Naked Pictures of You!

Big news from the Chicago Tribune. It seems O'Hare is getting full body scanners for security.

I'd like to personally volunteer to scan the 18-25 year old female demographic. I do that all the time for free, so getting paid for it would be fantastic.

This means that every passenger, not just the suspicious ones, every passenger, not just the muslim ones, every passenger, not just the non-white ones, every passenger will be scanned by a machine that shows your naughty bits to some security perv.

And all of this because some guy set his crotch on fire in a poor attempt at a terrorist attack. He may be going to jail, but at least he'll never have to shave his pubes again.

As for the rest of us, we have to get cancer from some radioactive x-ray machine that exposes our junk to the fuzz. Now all we need is the machine that gives a cavity search to everyone.

I can tell what you're thinking already. "But they don't let you bring lube through security!" I know. It's a pain in the butt... buh dum tshhhh.

So Long, Noughties!

Well, the decade started off with the election of George Bush and the horrors of 9/11. And judging by the state of the global economy, the environment, and the fact that Lady Gaga is at the top of the charts, we aren't ending on a much higher note.

Sadly, this is most likely the decade that will define my generation. And I, for one, am glad this decade is at an end. It means there are a few things for me to look forward to. First of all, VH1 will undoubtedly come out with another "I Love The..." series, which I'm willing to bet will be called "I Love the Noughties".

Second, the world is going to end in only 2 years. Which means all of my concerns about finding a job and a girlfriend and all that will be pretty much worthless.

And Obama is president, which means racism is over!

But don't make the mistake of saying "things can't possibly get any worse" in the next decade. If you've ever seen a movie with Chevy Chase, you know that the second you say it, the car will break down or the Christmas tree will catch fire or you'll be mauled by robots.

Good riddance, Noughties! See you in the history books and, eventually, on Nick at Nite.

"Hi, I'm Wearing 50 Pairs of Underwear"

Inspired by an event that took place not five minutes ago:

A knock on my door. I open it.

Girl: Hi. I'm wearing 50 pairs of underwear. I'm raising 50 pounds for [whatever cause she was supporting]. Will you... pay me?

My inner thoughts: I'd rather you weren't wearing any underwear. In fact, I'd be more likely to pay you for that.

What I actually said: Sure.

Gave her 4 pounds. Didn't bother to count the pairs of underwear.

I'm all for raising money for causes. Usually I support causes without even knowing what causes they are (see instance above). What I am not for is doing stupid things to "raise awareness" for something.

Just ask me for money. I'm supporting the cause, not you wearing 50 articles of clothing or walking 5 k or attempting to fit as many popsicles into every orifice of your body as possible. Don't cause more suffering to eliminate suffering.

Oh Come On, Youtube!

If you have an account with Youtube, you've probably noticed that there are recommended videos on your home page when you log on. Evidently, these videos are selected for you based on your viewing history, your favorites, your ratings, etc.

So today I saw this in my recommended videos section:

I've watched thousands, literally thousands, of videos on Youtube. I can't recall a single one that would make youtube think I would want to watch lions bumping uglies. I mean I've never watched a Lil Wayne video either (nor, God willing, will I ever), but at least I could understand how that would slip in. I've watched a lot of music videos, so it's not that far off.

But the video that would make Youtube recommend I watch this horizontal jungle boogie eludes my memory. Maybe I've been drunk Youtube-ing again...

I've Been...

I haven't posted anything in a while. I'd like to say I've been busy, but I haven't. I should have been, but nope.

So, apologies all around for not keeping up with my blogs, your blogs, all blogs, current events, anything happening outside of my room, etc.

But I HAVE done something. I set up a deviantART account. I've been putting up some of the drawings I've done lately (which are also on facebook). I probably won't be putting my pastels on that account, but let me know if you want to see them.

The link is here: http://jumpingbrooks.deviantart.com/

Just to get you interested, here's one of my drawings. Hope you like it. I'll try to do more creative stuff soon.

The Balloon Boy Reality TV Show

When I first heard the term "Balloon Boy", I was hoping to be treated to a heart-warming story of a Pinocchio made out of balloons that just wanted to be a real boy. I was deflated when I found out the truth. Get it? Deflated? Because of balloons. They get deflated when they... forget it.

By now you've probably heard about the boy whom everyone thought was trapped in a UFO-shaped balloon flying over Colorado, but was really hiding in his attic or garage or something. You've probably also heard that the whole thing was a hoax.

The family had pitched a reality TV show to TLC (which TLC rejected), and the hoax was most likely intended to draw attention to the family and the show. How did they figure out it was a hoax? Balloon Boy said on CNN that he thought "we did it for the show".

Many people are outraged. Don't get me wrong, I think this was a terrible thing to do. But GIVE THAT FAMILY A SHOW! I mean they were willing to fake their son's disappearance and possible death. Can you ask for better television?

Every episode they could douse their son in pig blood and throw him in a shark tank, or dip him in gasoline and set him on fire, or cover him in sunflower seeds and set thousands of starving hamsters on him. Then someone would try to rescue him, and after they get chomped or burnt or gnawed, the kid would pop out of some box like David Blaine, unharmed.

It has violence. It has suspense. It has magic. It has hamsters. What more could you want?

You Know How I Know It's Not American?

I get a craving for a beer once in a while. So I decided to give Carlsberg a try (believe it or not, Miller and Bud are imports here in England). And as I put the can to my lips, I noticed the slogan of the Carlsberg brand in proud gold lettering. It said, "Probably the best lager in the world..."

Probably? Really?

Miller called itself "The Champagne of Bottled Beers". Bud had the self-proclaimed title of "King of Beers". What's with probably? It might as well be, "Eh, give it a try. Some people like it." It even trails off at the end with an ellipsis, like they left something off.

The original slogan most likely read, "Probably the best lager in the world. I mean let's be honest, best is a broad category. Some people would judge by taste, which is subjective to each individual, so it's hard to claim any one lager is the best. We make this claim solely on our own preferences. Well actually it's the preference of Bill. He works in accounting. But his preferences might be similar to yours, in which case you might judge this lager as the best."

.

Even the owner of Men's Warehouse guarantees you'll like the way you look! If you're going to make a product, stand by it. Claim your beer is the best thing since God made sex! Claim it will make you look like Brad Pitt. Claim drinking it is the coolest thing since James Dean sat on an iceberg.

This is probably the best advice Carlsberg has ever gotten...

WTF is Going On? 4th Edition

I was in the car today and I heard a commercial for the new movie Sorority Row. It sounds like the typical teen horror/slasher flick, nothing special. But that wasn't my problem with the commercial.

My issue with the ad came at the end when the announcer claimed that the film was rated R for "Some sexuality, nudity, and party".

Party? What? You can't rate something obscene for "Party". What the hell does that even mean? Is it supposed to be a euphamism for drugs or drinking?

Party is a pretty general term. I mean is this party like a four-year old's birthday at Chuck E. Cheese's or is it a party where people are wearing masks, throwing their keys in a jar, and snorting crack off someone's junk?

So long as we're using generalities in our rating system, why not rate a movie R for Eating. It could mean someone is enjoying a BLT in the film, or it could mean two girls are eating each other's poop.

Eventually no one under 17 will be allowed to see any movie ever. Disney/Pixar's new family film? Rated R. A Dora the Explorer movie? R. A flick featuring The Wiggles? We'll give that one an NC-17.

Jumping Ponds

For those of you who just can't get enough of me, I'm setting up a blog that I will update during my study abroad in England. Don't worry, I'll still update this blog. The other blog will just be more focused on my time at the University of Nottingham.

Here's the URL: http://jumpingponds.blogspot.com/

Follow it if you want to keep up with me.

Sorry I haven't kept up with this blog, I've just been really busy lately with all the preparations for the trip.

Peace!

A Trip to Wal-Mart

I've been really busy, but here's a quickie to satisfy your innuendo desires. I took a trip to Wal-Mart today and took this picture of some kind of bedding.

In response to this picture, I am going to take the high road and say "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID".

Warehouse 13 and El Kabong

I love the new show Warehouse 13 on SciFi (I refuse to call it Syfy. Poor spelling is NOT cool.).

.

If you haven't seen it, the basic plot of the show is that these secret government agents go out and recover artifacts with strange and dangerous powers to lock them away in the titular warehouse. Each episode is a new search for new artifacts.

I was delighted when Lewis Carroll's looking glass made an appearance on the show. Other artifacts that have been featured on the show are Houdini's wallet and the Guillotine blade that that killed Marie Antionette.

The website for the show is fun, too. You can look up other artifacts in the warehouse like Agatha Christie's typewriter and John Dillinger's pistol.

You can also consign your own artifact (really any object you have laying around the house) to the website as a warehouse artifact. Here is what I submitted:

Object: El Kabong's Kabonger

Effect: This four string guitar was primarily used as a weapon. It has the ability to repair itself by the next episode and be held without the aid of opposable thumbs.

The Life Lessons of Beer

As I write this blog I am drinking an Apple-Cinnamon flavored Leinenkugel beer. Half of you are probably thinking, "hey that sounds disgusting," and the other half are probably thinking, "hey that might be good."

Well, that split opinion is a fairly accurate reflection of the actual taste because I haven't really decided how I feel about it. It seems that every other sip is delightful, but the sip in between is horrible.

That's kind of like life. You take the good with the bad, the ying with the yang, the sex with the teen pregnancy, etc.

Oh beer, you teach us so many life lessons.

Anyway, I figured this blog post would be more interactive than my other ones. What are some of the life lessons beer has taught you?

Leave a comment and let me know. If I think of anymore beer life lessons, I'll post them.

America the Baby-ful

Chances are good that if you've heard any news at all lately, it's been about the "town hall" meeting protests that have been going on. People sneek into these meetings and shout down speakers who are trying to explain the benefits of Obama's health care plan.

.

Well a new survey by an independent research organization shows that 61% of Americans actually agree with the methods taken by protestors, and many of them claim that these crazies have changed their opinion on health care.

At this point it seems like America is a four year old and Obama is a concerned parent trying to console it. I imagine the conversation going like this:

Obama: Don't you want affordable health care?

America: NO! I don't wanna go to the doctor!

Obama: But it'll be good for you.

America: NO! Canada says it hurts. And they said the doctor is going to kill Grandma!

Obama: They won't kill Grandma and it will hurt less than paying for insurance companies that will drop you anyway. I promise.

America: You're lying!

Obama: Don't you want to grow big and strong like the other industrialized nations?

America: NO NO NO! You're a socialist! I want my Hummers and SUVs! NOW!

Grow the eff up, America.

Boredom is Illegal

The Chicago Tribune reports that a man in Joliet has been sentenced to six months in jail for yawning too loudly. The man was at his cousin's court hearing and yawned just as the judge was passing the sentence. The judge then ordered that the sleepy spectator be held in contempt of court.

Yes, let's forget that the jails are overcrowded as it is. Forget that the government doesn't have a dollar to spare for more prisons. Forget that there are thieves, murderers, and worst of all pot smokers wandering the streets.

What we need is to crack down on yawning. And for that matter, let's crack down on all bodily functions. Blinking? That won't fly, sucker. Breathing? Cut it out. Gotta pee? Not in my town.

Last time I checked, this was America. Home of the brave, not the bored. If you want to yawn willy-nilly why don't you go back to Cuba, communist?

An Anticlimactic Day in My Life 1

I was sitting on the couch in the living room the other evening with the front door open. Suddenly a dark shape whizzed past from the door, through the living room, and into the kitchen.
.
I had seen this before and knew exactly what it was. A bat. At first my mom and my friend didn't believe me, but we could see its shadow darting about in the kitchen. So I ran outside and grabbed the fishing net from the shed. By the time I came back, the bat was back in the living room, my mom was hiding in the kitchen, and my friend was outside.
.
So I walked through the front door, net in hand. The bat instantly swooped at my head. I was caught of guard and fell back against the wall. The ladies laughed at me.
.
I shook off the embarassment and prepared myself. The bat flew around the room. I could sense an impending battle. The room would surely be destroyed in the fray, which might go on for hours.
.
As I reached up with my net, prepared to cast the almighty first blow... the bat flew straight into the net.
.
I took it outside, shook it free, and it flew away.
.
I put my net away, but not before performing a few heroic poses for the women.

Obama is Such a Joker

After Heath Ledger's stunning performance as the Joker, who could possibly do the character justice in future Batman movies? It would have to be a man who could do anything. A man who captures the imaginations of his audience. A man who projects power and confidence. In short, it would take a hero to play this villain. It would take... President Barack Hussein Obama.

Well, at least that's how he is being portrayed by a few posters that have been spotted around the Los Angeles area. The posters feature the President as the Joker with the word socialism beneath him.

As anyone who has seen The Dark Knight knows, the irony of these posters is that the Joker is an anarchist, which is about as far from socialism as you can get (nnneeerrrrdddd alert).

Plus, you can tell the picture has been photoshopped. Just look at the pixels!

If anything about the posters is offensive, it's a Black man painted in White face. That wouldn't fly if it were a White dude in Black face.

Underpants in the News

It's no secret that people have moon fever thanks to the anniversary of the historic Apollo 11 moon landing. But anyone who has ever dropped their pants in a public area knows the best thing after a mooning is a solid pair of underpants.

An article by the Associated Press says a Japanese astronaut is coming back to Earth after wearing the same pair of underwear for the past month. The underwear is part of a Japanese developed clothing line for astronauts that is supposedly anti-bacterial, water absorbant, and odor-eliminating.

One must wonder exactly how much ball-sweat the underwear can hold. Even if it were sterilized and odor free, I can't say I'd want the same swamp-ass laden briefs hugging my luscious curves for a whole month.

The best part of the story is that scientists are going to examine the underwear when the astronaut comes back. Now, I've heard of some crappy experiments... (buh-dum tshhh).

Someone should notify Mike Rowe that there is another Dirty Jobs episode on the way.

A Trip to Taco Bell

Glory Hallelujah! Today I took a trip to the most disgusting fast food joint on the planet, Taco Bell! The faux Mexican, diarrhea inducing, just-add-water slop they call food always leaves a horrifying taste in my mouth.
.
But perhaps the most disgusting (and hilarious) thing I experienced at this hell hole was a sign above the job applications on the counter. Look familiar? I put it next to the sign near the Mexico-U.S. border, just in case you aren't aware of the warning to oncoming traffic.
.
I know Taco Bell tries to pass itself off as a Mexican food place, but seriously? A mexican guy in the same position as the guy in the border sign next to a soccer ball?
.
All that's missing in Taco Bell's sign is a sombrero and a car full of undocumented workers.
.
Even Colonel Sanders would say "Damn, that's racist".

Taser Leads to Spontaneous Combustion

"Don't tase me, bro!" The plea is all too familiar. But an aboriginee man in Australia apparently wasn't familiar with the phrase.

According to the BBC, the police tasered the man after he ran out of his home, brandishing a can of petrol and a lighter. He had allegedly been sniffing the petrol and became violent. Apparently all that gas-huffing greatly increased his flammability because once tasered, the man burst into flames like a campfire marshmallow! One of the officers smothered the fire, and the man was brought to the hospital in critical condition with third degree burns.

Now I don't mean to be insensitive but... awesome.

The police suggest that the fire was most likely caused by the lighter that the man was holding, not the taser.

We finally have technology that can perform the same job as an "Incendio" spell from Harry Potter's wand!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see HP6! Accio broom!

Jumping Brooks is Jumping Off Bridges

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you? Of course you would.

Well one brave student is starting the trend. According to the Chicago Tribune a 22 year-old dove off the North Avenue pier and fell head-first into shallow water faster than a fat kid onto a fried twinkie. A few days later he died from serious injuries. The police believe his death was an accident.

He was walking on the pier with a girlfriend at 4:40 AM when he decided to take the plunge. So chalk up another death to drunk men doing stupid things to impress women.

To all you drunks out there who are trying to show off for girls after 3 in the morning, you don't look cool climbing that tree. You don't look cool doing a poorly executed hand-stand. You don't look cool jumping off a bridge. And you definitely don't look cool dead. So while you struggle to haul yourself up onto the Alma Mater, I'll be the one hanging back with the girls and laughing at you.

Now let's all jump on the band wagon and jump off bridges!

I Believe You Left Your Tool in my Colon

A Chicago Tribune story claims that a dentist is being sued for dropping tools down a patient's throat. The 90 year old patient swallowed the tools on two separate occassions, the second time resulting in death.

During the first incident, the man swallowed some kind of screwdriver or something. He then recieved a colonoscopy and the tool was removed from his intestines.

Now you would think after getting a camera shoved into his rectum and having a tool forcibly removed, the man would have looked for a new dentist.

But no, the patient went back to the same dentist, who again dropped a tool down the man's throat. The patient had to undergo surgery from which he never fully recovered and died.

Everyone knows dentists are sadists. I have survived a few murder attempts by these tooth-fetishizing exectutioners.

What's the difference between a dominatrix and a dentist? There's no joke there, I'm really asking.

WTF is Going on? 3rd edition

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, there was Jaws 2. So perhaps you considered moving as far away from fish as possible, like the Sahara desert. Bad news, fellow fish-haters.

NBC reports that the sandfish, a small critter that lives in the Sahara desert, is able to swim through the sand by undulating it's body.

Hehe, undulating bodies.

Now the sandfish is not technically a fish, but a small lizard about four inches long. Yeah right. The vampire fish isn't technically a vampire, but it will still try to bite your neck and suck the essence from your body.

Darwin needs to be stopped. Fish belong in the water, camels belong in the sand, and cows belong on my plate. Evolution is out of control! WTF?

You're Welcome, Mickey's

I've decided to create some advertisements for companies who I feel don't do enough to promote their products. This one is for Mickey's and is inspired by a drunk conversation with friends.

All I have to say is, you are welcome, Mickey's.

Love Kills, but Sex Saves

The BBC presented two stories of interest concerning the cost of love and the benefits of sex.

First, at an Italian Wedding, the bride requested that her bouquet be tossed out of a moving airplane to a line of waiting women. The bouquet was immediately sucked into the plane's engine, causing it to explode. The plane crashed into a hospital. Only one person was injured, and everyone else survived.

In the second story, Japan's love hotels, where couples can go for some "alone time", are apparently doing very well despite the economic situation. This has led investors to put money into the hotels, boosting the Japanese economy.

The moral of these two stories is that love is dangerous. Avoid it if at all possible. But sex can single-handedly save the economy. So get busy getting busy!

If history has taught us anything, it's that we can always count on sex to ensure the continuation of the species. Selling sex has been around since God made Adam and Steve... ehem, Eve. That's why they call prostitution the oldest profession.

So in order to fix this economy, follow Nike's advice and "Just Do It."

Pickle You, Kumquat!

You stub your toe. You get a papercut. You slip while shaving the downstairs region. Immediately and almost uncontrolably you cuss like Blagojevich trying to sell a Senate seat. Well, according to emerging research, swearing actually may help reduce pain.

It's cheaper than Vicodin, and almost as fun!

Next thing you know, hospital halls will be filled with profanity as the economic downturn will lead physicians to find cheaper means of pain relief. Kids will present doctor's notes to teachers allowing them to cuss in the middle of class.

And people with Tourette's will finally be accepted by society. Not only that, they will become valuable medical consultants.

But be careful. Swearing is addictive. Before you know it, you'll need to swear more and more just to get the same high. Case in point, just try to play Mario Kart with Veronica Steege.

You Owe Us More Than Money, California!

You know that guy who always hangs around and drinks your booze and generally mooches off you, claiming, "I'll pay you back, dude. You know I'm good for it."?

Well the state of California is taking a page directly out of that guy's Moocher Handbook. The state government is issuing IOU's to everyone from businesses to college students who are owed money by the state because California is essentially broke. The IOU's claim that the holder can exchange them in October with 3.75% interest.

It's time we let California fall into the sea. What has California done for you lately? Produced shows like The Hills? That show is like a cancer on our society's intelligence. Watch it and you'll feel your IQ drop like a texter down a New York City manhole.

The new 90210? Who even liked the old one?

And honestly when is the last time something really good came out of Hollywood? It's all been sequels and remakes for a long time. Nothing original.

Before California goes, we'll take back Conan. The rest of it, we'll kick like a bad habit.

Moocher friends gotta go, and moocher states are no exception. Unless they can pay us back with all that weed they've been hoarding.

Arrested for Sex? Who Hasn't Been There?

Who doesn't love noisy sex? Well whoever's not having it, that's who.

A woman in England has been arrested for being too loud during sex, according to the BBC. Last month she was given a court order banning her from making excessively loud noise anywhere in England after neighbors complained of her raucous love-making.

Well she just couldn't keep her mouth, or her legs, shut.

The police disregarded the "If the room's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'" sign on the door. The woman was fined, arrested, and now has a court date to plead her case. The tragedy is that this could have been prevented with a simple ball gag, or even a strategically placed pillow.

Her husband, Steve, the proudest man alive, now has enough points on his man-card to be ranked just a notch below the likes of Burt Reynolds and Steve Irwin.

Ladies, I have to advise that some guys do like a screamer in bed, but there is a limit. Usually you should take the hint the first time the cops knock on your door. If not, the court order should be another sign that maybe you need to tone it down.

More Zombies? Yes Please.

Four people have been charged with digging up graves to resell the plots at Chicago's Burr Oak Cemetery. They allegedly dug up quite a few graves, dismembered several bodies, and discarded the remains in an unused corner of the cemetery.

But you and I both know what really happened.

ZOMBIES!!!

The zombies have started rising from the dead. The government is just trying to cover it up by blaming these guys for digging up dead people.

The zombie apocalypse is coming. And with the recent string of celebrity deaths, the zombies are shoring up their numbers. We must be ready.

Those road signs that say "Zombies Ahead" must be taken seriously. We can't be making jokes anymore.

If we aren't careful Michael Jackson will be doing the moonwalk across the flesh of the living. Farah Fawcett will pose for the rising number of prepubescent boys with zombie fetishes. Ed McMahon will knock on doors and people will answer thinking he has a giant check only to find their faces being chewed off by a living corpse.

Although I really hope Oscar Mayer comes back from the dead. I loves me some hot dogs.

Death By Chocolate

The Philadelphia Inquirer says a temp worker at a chocolate processing plant died when he fell into a vat of melted chocolate.

Now that's a sweet way to die. Buh-dum-tshh!

Unfortunately, unlike Augustus Gloop, the Oompa Loompas couldn't save him. By the time the chocolate mixer was shut down, one of the giant paddles hit the man and the 120 degree chocolate had covered his lungs in a delightful chocolate coating.

The autopsy determined that the man died of asphyxiation. It was the most delicious autopsy ever, as the man had basically been turned into a human Snickers bar.

The family plans to cremate the body, mix it with some milk, and have a lovely after-funeral dessert.

My deepest sympathies to his loved ones.

Really Science? Really?

Scientists have created human sperm in a laboratory for the first time, according to BBC. The scientists took some embryos, derived stem cells, encouraged growth... blah blah blah, meiosis... blah blah blah, sperm took four to six weeks to grow.

Again scientists have shown the virtually limitless possibilities of useless crap that science is capable of. It only took four to six weeks to grow what takes any guy five minutes with a sock and the lingerie section of the Sears catalogue to make.

Also, isn't destroying an embryo to create sperm kinda like making a ham sandwich, licking off the mayonnaise, and throwing the rest away? It just seems like we're moving backwards. If all you want is the mayonnaise, why bother to make the sandwich?

Need I quote Jeff Goldblum again?

Taxi Cab Confessions That You'd Rather Not Hear

A Chicago Trib story caught my eye today. A woman has accused a cab driver of sexually abusing her. She claims the man brought her to a deserted road, then asked her to spit in his face and rub his chest. He then began to suck her toes and feet. Eventually he brought her to her destination.

Gross.

Don't knock it 'til you try it I guess...

Sometimes you end up in the Cash Cab, sometimes you get your toes sucked. Is it worth the risk?

The cab driver asked her if she wanted to go double or nothing on a video bonus fetish, but the woman decided to play it safe and walk away with moist feet.

M-I-C-K-E-Why Does God Let This Happen?

The Happiest Place on Earth just got a little sadder. The New York Times reports that two monorails collided at the Magic Kingdom of Disney World, killing one of the train operators.

.

It was the first fatal crash in the monorail's 38 years of hauling screaming children to 2-minute rides with 4-hour lines.

That fact surprises me considering they will make anyone a monorail conductor. I was four years old and had no monorail training when Mickey gave me a monorail conductor's license.

Said Goofy, "This is the worst accident since someone thought it would be funny to put a real giant squid in the 20,000 Leages Under the Sea ride."

Donald Duck also commented on the accident, but who can tell what the hell he's saying?

The Sexiness of Murder-Threesomes

A local Fox station in Colorado opened a news report with this statement: "A three-way sex encounter ended in a bloody mess early Monday morning".

Is there any other way for a threesome to end?

Apparently a guy brought home another guy to have a threesome with his girlfriend. The two gentlemen (term loosely used (like the dude's girlfriend)) started to fight, and the girlfriend, in order to break up the fight, stabbed them both in their respective backs.

As we all know, the only way to break up a fight is to kill both fighters.

But the men did not die. Instead they drove to the hospital together and were treated for their wounds. So the would-be ménage à death had a happy ending (pun intended) after all. By giving the men a common enemy, the girlfriend brought them together, and everyone emerged a little wiser.

Especially the woman's son who was in the house during the incident. Let's see that kid try to have a normal, healthy relationship.

The moral of this story is BROS BEFORE HOES.

The Subliminal Messages of Walgreens

Today I went to Walgreens, and the more I walked around the store, the more I realized that the Walgreens itself was speaking to its customers. Not in the creepy Son of Sam I-hear-voices-everywhere-I-go type of speaking, but a more subtle yet no less suggestive way of conveying messages.

I will translate some of the Walgreens' hidden messages so that everyone can understand.

Walgreens: The candy isle is the skinniest isle in the store.

Message: If you can't fit down this isle you have no business being in it, fatty.

Walgreens: The soap isle is super wide and far back in the corner of the store.

Message: Hey smelly, stay as far away from everyone as possible.

Walgreens: The condoms are in the back next to glucose meters for diabetics.

Message: Have fun trying to get aroused after picking up condoms next to the old lady who looks like your Grandma. And while you're at it, enjoy the walk of shame up to the front of the store because the drunk bar ho you pick up tonight will probably be taking the walk tomorrow.

Walgreens: The gum and breath mints are right at the counter.

Message: Here's a back-up if you can't afford toothpaste. Or if you forgot it and you're too lazy to go back and get it.

Walgreens: Open 24-hours.

Message: For when you absolutely need the pill that kills the baby inside of you RIGHT NOW.

Walgreens: One-hour photo.

Message: You mean you don't have a digital camera? Then you can shuffle around the store for a while. Have fun playing with the kids' toys, dummy. At least it's technology you'll probably understand.

Stay tuned for more subliminal message translations.

New Ice Cream Flavors?

BBC News reports that police in West Yorkshire are being criticized for improperly labeling and storing DNA, blood, and urine samples in a freezer that they also use for ice cream.

That seems like an unfortunate midnight snack catastrophe waiting to happen. Who wants ice cream that has been stored next to criminal urine?

Although if it catches on, we could be looking at blood or even semen flavored ice cream in the future! And who doesn't love the taste of delicious frozen semen?

Ben & Jerry, I have to say if you're working on that flavor... stop.

The Sexiness of Lightbulbs

The Chicago Tribune reports that Obama, in addition to addressing other climate change concerns, has proposed legislation regarding lamps and lightbulbs. He is quoted as saying "I know light bulbs may not seem sexy, but this simple action holds enormous promise...".

Lightbulbs not sexy, Mr. President? Well I did some digging, and if this picture has anything to add to the discussion, I'd say Obama should do his research before he speaks.

Either lightbulbs are sexy, or this person needed some lighting to go with his or her colon's feng shui.

More Web-Ad Shenanigans

This time an ad for Nestea caught my eye while I was web-drifting. The ad for Green Tea proudly proclaimed "Like a punch in the mouth that feels good."

Who comes up with this garbage? I can imagine the meeting where they came up with ideas for new ads.

Ad writer 1: We need to compare our Green Tea to something enjoyable and pleasureable.

Writer 2: How about a punch in the mouth?

Writer 1: That doesn't sound very enjoyable.

Writer 2: No no, this would be like a punch in the mouth, but it feels good.

Writer 1: "Like a punch in the mouth that feels good." That's brilliant!

Writer 2: I've got some other ideas. We could say it's like a kick to the crotch...

Writer 1: Quit drilling, you've struck oil! Let's run it!

Any clown that comes off the street is apparently able to write advertisements for multi-million dollar corporations. How about this: "Like Hitler but kills thirst instead of Jews"? Eh?

You're right, I probably put too much effort into that ad. It would never work.

Jackson Dead? Not a Chance.

Today Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital after going through cardiac arrest. Early reports have stated that the King of Pop passed away at age 50.

While he may be dead, Jacko is certainly not gone. I predict that Jackson will become the Elvis of pop. People will speculate that he didn't die, but went home in the mother ship to be number 1 on Mars's Top 40. Little boys will claim that Jackson probed them in his spaceship.

Much like those who prefer young, thin Elvis to old, fat Elvis, everyone will have an opinion as to whether young, black Michael was better than old, white Michael.

Hordes of Jacko looke-alikes will come crawling out of the woodwork for Michael Conventions. Maybe Michael Jacks-con 2010 is just around the corner.

Jackson will be to pop what Tupac is to rap. It will be speculated that he faked his own death, and people will search for clues in his posthumous albums. His zombie corpse will be spotted performing "Thriller" at nightclubs everywhere.

Dead? I think not.

WTF is Going on? 2nd edition

I was surfing the intarwebz when I noticed an advertisement on the side of my page that dripped of wtf-iness. A picture of what I could only describe as a vampire fish caused me to turn my gaze faster than Perez Hilton's face after connecting with a crazed roadie's fist.

.

Turns out, the fish is actually called a "vampire fish", and is featured on National Geographic's new show Hooked.

.

Vampirism has become particularly fashionable after the recent popularity of Twilight and HBO's True Blood, among others. But now there is officially no safe place to hide from vampires. On land, Dracula; in the air, vampire bats; now in the water, vampire fish!

.

I realize this is the second post in a row dealing with scary fish. I think the main idea that I want to convey is that a war between man and fish is coming. And with 70% of Earth covered in water, which is bound to increase with global warming, we are at a disadvantage.

The age of fish is coming if we don't act soon. In the prophetic words from the musical Hair, "This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius".

You Know What Would Make Great White Sharks Scarier?

They're big, fast, have rows of sharp teeth, and eat people. The only problem? They aren't scary enough.

Science to the rescue! Studiers of Great White Shark behavior have compared the hunting techniques of the vicious fish to those of human serial killers. Oh, science.

The sharks stalk their prey from out of sight, often returning to the same places to find their next kill and learning from past attempts.

An entire series of Jaws movies wasn't enough to keep people out of the ocean. We needed to group the animal with the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, and John Wayne Gacy.

In the wise words of the sagely Jeff Goldblum, "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."

If only we all stopped to listen to the wisdom of Jeff Goldblum...

The Future is Now... No Wait, Now... No Now...

Where do you like to go on vacation? Somewhere warm and sunny? Somewhere perfect for skiing and snowboarding? Somewhere off the planet?

.

Well New Mexico has begun construction of the world's first commercial spaceport. That means space tourism, as well as commercial scientific endeavours, may soon be available to the public. Well, the rich public anyway.

Since the aliens have already crashed in New Mexico, I'd say a spaceport is long overdue. At least they will have a place to land. So long as they agree to stop probing our anals...

Pictures of the spaceport's proposed design look like something George Lucas would be proud of. (Picture above from BBC News)

At least movies like The Fifth Element and Back to the Future are starting to look more and more realistic in their portrayals of the future. I'm already pretty pissed that they haven't started on the flying cars yet.

I can't wait for my own X-Wing!

If Your Boyfriend Says He's Got Beef, Well Good. KFC Is Out of Chicken

The Chicago Tribune reports that KFC offered a free meal to customers, which was promoted on The Oprah Winfrey Show. The trouble was that demand was so high that the company had to scale back it's offer, allowing some people who had printed out the coupon to come to the restaurant for an IOU.

Two individuals took the only logical course of action. They sued KFC for not forking over the fowl, claiming false advertising, among other charges.

Some crass racists might make a joke about getting between people of a certain race and their fried chicken. But let's be honest, who doesn't love fried chicken? This does not concern one race, but the entire human race.

That is why I applaud the efforts of these heroes who realize that, although KFC has changed it's name from Kentucky Fried Chicken, the "C" still stands for CHICKEN!

Colonel Sanders, I await an apology... and reparations for the slaves... and biscuits.

Filthy Downloaders

Holy grossly excessive punitive damage awards, Batman! PCWorld reports that the RIAA has won a court case against a mother from Minnesota who uploaded 24 songs to the internet. The verdict is that the woman must pay $1.92 million in fines for committing this heinous crime

Why stop there, RIAA? Why not press for $2 billion, or $Schfourteen-teen gazillion, or all the tea in China? While we're living in this fantasy world, let's all ride our dragons and unicorns to the rivers of maple syrup that flow from the Jellybean mountains.

I'm glad to see we're cracking down on piracy. These people capture innocent civilians and hold them for ransom on the seas and... oh wait. They're not the same pirates? The mother never killed anyone? Never held anyone for ransom? She just let people listen to some music?

Close enough. Obama, send the snipers after her! $1.92 in fines is being too soft on this hardened criminal.

Zombie Pilot Lands Plane, Eats Brain

The Wall Street Journal reports that a Continental Airlines flight from Brussels to Newark landed safely after the pilot was pronounced clinically dead by a cardiologist on board the plane. Not only that, the flight landed early on a day when most flights were delayed by rain and fog.

There was no evidence that the pilot was suffering from zombie-ism, so there is no chance that he rose from the dead to land the plane.

Now I'm not so callous as to suggest that killing your pilot will ensure your flight will get you to Disneyworld on time. If you include court and jail time, I'm sure it would have quite the opposite effect. .

Nor am I suggesting that a pilot dying is in any way humorous. All I am suggesting is that airlines consider hiring dead pilots to land flights on time.

If a dead man can out-perform you at your job and you aren't doing work playing a cadaver on CSI, then you may want to reconsider your profession.

Obama Shows his Pimp Hand

In news that made me chuckle, the Associated Press reports that PETA is sending Barack Obama a humane fly-catching device after he swatted a fly during an interview for CNBC.

Seriously PETA?

Obama gave the fly fair warning, saying "Get out of here." When the fly failed to heed his warning, he pimp-slapped it with the lightning fast reflexes of a presidential ninja.

Some may claim that the fly cannot understand English and was therefore an innocent victim. I call BS. I can't speak to dogs, but if one growls at me I'm going to move in the opposite direction. I don't speak Parseltongue, but if a rattlesnake shakes it's ass I know I'll get hurt if I go near it. (Oddly, I take similar caution when human females shake their asses.)

The fly was picking a fight with our president, and was therefore picking a fight with America. The Japanese or the Taliban could have advised the fly on the consequences of its actions.

You mess with Obama, he's gonna bring the smackdown. Lesson learned.

The Chronic Debate

Rhode Island just became the third state in the union to legalize the sale of medical marijuana, joining California and New Mexico. In other news, jokes about Michael Phelps smoking pot suck, so stop it. Everyone does them, they aren't original. Stop.

.

The wacky tobaccy is still illegal under federal law, but Obama's people say they won't interfere in stores that obey state law.

Sales of icky sticky in Rhode Island are still limited to the chronic-ally (get it?) ill. So if you're thinking of taking a trip to the itsy bitsy state just for the good stuff you may want to pick up cancer along the way.

So three down and 47 states to go, though it will likely take a long time before Americans can bust out the blunts and bongs in celebration. On the bright side, if you're high it'll seem like no time at all!

Until then, enjoy watching Planet Earth under your Bob Marley poster in your parents' basement while stuffing your face with Cool Ranch Doritos, you stereotype.

Too Late to 'Pologize

David Letterman recently apologized for his joke about Sarah Palin's daughter being knocked-up by A-Rod. He claimed the joke was aimed at her 18-year old daughter, but was taken to mean that it was addressed to her 14-year old daughter. He takes full responsibility for his words.

I think it's great that Letterman apologized, but in my opinion he apologized for the wrong reason. What he should have apologized for is the fact that his joke was about as funny as a clitoridectomy with a rusty butter knife.

If Letterman's long and successful career proves anything, it's that he is better than this and fully capable of writing hilarious material. But a comedian who tells jokes that aren't funny is like a supermodel who has no gag reflex. You can't be a supermodel without puking up your Funyons and you can't be a comedian without good jokes.

Then again Seinfeld has made a career out of being an unfunny comedian, so I could be wrong.

I'm a Conan fan anyway.

Send your hate mail to John Obler.

Is It Hot In Here or Is It Just Me? You're Right. It's Me.

Newscientist.com reports that a supervolcano may be forming under Mount St. Helens that could be capable of exploding harder than David Carradine's oxygen deprived death-orgasm.

Let me stop there for a moment and address some concerns that that joke may have caused. First, for those of you who cry "Too soon!", let me just say that you do not know David Carradine. Even if you did, he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation. There is nothing I can say that is any more offensive than that.

Second, some of you may ask "Why do most of your posts have to do with sexual innuendos and horrible apocolyptic news stories?". Let me answer that question with a question. Where is your psychology degree? Oh you don't have one? Interesting.

Scientists say that if Mount St. Helens erupts, it could spew enough ash into the atmosphere to cool the global climate by several degrees Celcius. Luckily we're still using Farenheit here in the U.S., so there's nothing to worry about.

However some speculate that the supervolcano could just be water and is relatively harmless. BORING. It's so much more entertaining when it rains fire and brings the world into global winter. I say bring on the Apocolypse.

WTF is Going On? 1st edition

In news that makes even scientists say "wtf?", National Geographic News reports that the star known as Betelgeuse has been shrinking in size. Scientists currently have no explanation for this. They also have no explanation for what happens when you say the name of the star 3 times.

Astronomers observed an unusual red spot on the star three years ago. Some believe that this spot has to do with Betelgeuse's stellar shrinkage.

I think it's pretty obvious what happened here. Betelgeuse got intimate with the misnamed constellation Virgo, actually the whore of the zodiac, and caught a severe case of cosmic herpes.

At only 8.5 million years old, the star is young in comparison to our 4.5 billion year old sun. Some scientists speculate that the star may be ready to explode, which may seem premature considering the star's relative youth, but I'd like to see you last 8.5 million years.

They're On A Boat

My cousins, Katie and Elizabeth McPhail, are spending their summer riding their Duroboat around the Great Loop, a journey that begins on Lake Michigan and winds along the Chicago River, eventually down the Mississippi, into the Gulf of Mexico, along the east coast of the U.S. and into Canada, then back through the Great Lakes to Chicago. They will be the first women ever to complete this trip.

Traditionally, having women on a boat has been seen as bad luck. The McPhail sisters intend to show that hard work and determination can overcome this handicap.

The two will also be braving the recent outbreak of pirates all over the globe. But they are confident that Hil-dawg Clinton will have their backs.

You may recognize the Duroboat brand from its brief appearance in the movie Free Willy. Hopefully the siblings will have better luck. They don't expect to see whales on the trip, but the occasional alligator or water moccasin may cause some trouble.

I may join them for a bit on the east coast, perhaps meeting them near DC and heading up to New York!

You can follow the McPhails on YouTube, Facebook, or Twitter.

Must Be The Money

Recently, the Chicago Tribune broke the story that the University of Illinois has been accepting some students based on their financial prosperity, rather than the merits of their scholastic accomplishments. The Chancellor of the school found the need to send an e-mail of explanation to the students explaining the situation.

.

I don't know why people are complaining. Ivy League schools do this all the time. How can we expect to be the Harvard of the Midwest if we have a bunch of smart poor people coming to our school? We need the economic elite! We need people who walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment and superiority if we ever expect to compete with schools of higher reputation!

.

A school cannot live on the funds of alumni alone. And these same complainers whine about a bell tower being built on the south quad when Lincoln Hall or the English Building are falling apart. People, we clearly need a large phallic object to satisfy the huge, old, blown-out vagina that is the Undergrad Library!

.

So quit your whining! Intelligence never got anybody anywhere. Money, on the other hand, buys moving sidewalks on the quad. Think about that.

Gonna Have You Naked By the End of This Blog

The New York Times reports that the Supreme Court has asked that the Third Appeals Court give "further consideration" to their overturning of the fines from the F.C.C. that resulted from Janet Jackson's exposed breast during the halftime performance with Justin Timberlake at the 2004 Super Bowl.

.

The unexpected partial nudity lasted nine sixteenths of a second during halftime, but stayed in the mammary, ehem, memory of America more than the entire game.  Hey, some guys only need nine sixteenths of a second (right JohnO?  That's right, you got a shoutout on my blog).

.

For God sakes, people, can't we just let the boobs go?  (Your "that's what she said" responses are duly noted.)  I mean damn America, haven't we milked this for long enough?  

.

Is anyone even still offended by boobs?