In My Family, We Don't Need Fireworks

On the 4th of July, many families like to blow off fireworks in celebration. My family doesn't need to. Why, you ask? Well because we are perfectly capable of getting seriously injured and destroying stuff without them.

My aunt, who has a bad knee to begin with, came to our 4th party. So already she was having trouble getting around. But her family decided to bring their 120-150 pound dog, who has torn both of his ACLs and has been knocking on death's door for a solid 3 years to the party. Meanwhile, my dog, a dog of the same age but much smaller and more lively, is in attendence with a 7 month old puppy that my other family members brought.

So old, big dog needs his medicine, which my aunt sticks in a piece of cheese to feed to him. Of course the other two dogs jump for it, and the big dog, sensing he might lose the opportunity to chomp some cheddar, snaps at it, biting my aunt to the bone. The wound became infected. So not only is she on one leg, but now she has only one hand to operate with.

Not long after she got home from the party we got a call from her. She will be starting a new antibiotic regiment in the hopes of avoiding surgery on her hand. In the mean time, my cousin (her son) left his bike in the garage and didn't pull it in far enough. So the garage door slammed down on it, crushing the new bike and somehow blowing out all of the windows in the garage (don't bother to ask me how, I have no idea).

Meanwhile, my other cousin (my aunts daughter) calls from a police station in Madison. Apparently she lost her purse and someone has been using her debit card all night.

So my family managed to injur a hand, destroy a bike and several windows, and lose a lot of money without fireworks. A happy 4th of July indeed.

America the Baby-ful

Chances are good that if you've heard any news at all lately, it's been about the "town hall" meeting protests that have been going on. People sneek into these meetings and shout down speakers who are trying to explain the benefits of Obama's health care plan.

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Well a new survey by an independent research organization shows that 61% of Americans actually agree with the methods taken by protestors, and many of them claim that these crazies have changed their opinion on health care.

At this point it seems like America is a four year old and Obama is a concerned parent trying to console it. I imagine the conversation going like this:

Obama: Don't you want affordable health care?

America: NO! I don't wanna go to the doctor!

Obama: But it'll be good for you.

America: NO! Canada says it hurts. And they said the doctor is going to kill Grandma!

Obama: They won't kill Grandma and it will hurt less than paying for insurance companies that will drop you anyway. I promise.

America: You're lying!

Obama: Don't you want to grow big and strong like the other industrialized nations?

America: NO NO NO! You're a socialist! I want my Hummers and SUVs! NOW!

Grow the eff up, America.

Boredom is Illegal

The Chicago Tribune reports that a man in Joliet has been sentenced to six months in jail for yawning too loudly. The man was at his cousin's court hearing and yawned just as the judge was passing the sentence. The judge then ordered that the sleepy spectator be held in contempt of court.

Yes, let's forget that the jails are overcrowded as it is. Forget that the government doesn't have a dollar to spare for more prisons. Forget that there are thieves, murderers, and worst of all pot smokers wandering the streets.

What we need is to crack down on yawning. And for that matter, let's crack down on all bodily functions. Blinking? That won't fly, sucker. Breathing? Cut it out. Gotta pee? Not in my town.

Last time I checked, this was America. Home of the brave, not the bored. If you want to yawn willy-nilly why don't you go back to Cuba, communist?