OMG You So Stupid!

Ever hear people complaining that youngsters, especially American kids, can't identify such and such on a map?  Old people love to do this.  Then they wave that fact around like it proves the sad state of our knowledge of the rest of the world.

But that's not the problem.  The problem is, why can't people just read a freaking map?  There are words on most maps, right?  Ask me to identify Zimbabwe on a map.  Well there it is, under the word "Zimbabwe".  This seems more like a literacy problem than an ignorance problem.

If you took the words off a map, I couldn't identify the state of Delaware, let alone a tiny country on the other side of the planet.  Yes, I know which ones are Russia and China because they're big.  I know Australia because it's a continent with one country of the same name.  I know Italy because it's shaped like a stripper boot.  I know Canada because it's America's hat and Mexico because it's America's pants.  Beyond that, I'm mostly clueless.

Is a lack of geographical knowledge really so tragic in this day and age?  You can ask an old person to point to a country on a map, or you could ask a young person to do a google search.  In the time it takes the old guy to raise his boney, decrepit finger to point to the map, I could give you satellite imagery, road maps, and travel plans to anywhere in the entire world, and maybe even the moon.

I'm not saying Americans aren't ignorant of other cultures.  Hell, we went to war with Iraq because we thought it was the same thing as Afghanistan.  But really, who makes maps without words on them?  And, who would buy those maps?  Isn't that the point of a map?  To identify stuff?

 

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Excuse Me, There is a Fly in My Unknown Lizard

It's a headline right out of the Simcity news ticker.  Scientists discovered an unknown species of lizard being served in a restaraunt in Vietnam.  Yeah, Vietnam serves lizards.  Luckily in America we have real food.

A scientist recognized that the lizards that were being served were all female.  So he called his American scientist friend and told the restaraunt owner to put some lizards to the side for study.  Which he agreed to do.  And then he got drunk and cooked the lizards up for his customers (that's not a joke, he did that).

So the scientists paid some local kids to find some more lizards for them because this is science, damn it!  Only the most sophisticated data collection can be used.  And Vietnamese children work cheap.

Well, the scientists found out that the reason all the lizards were female is because they reproduce by cloning themselves.  All the lizards are direct clones of their mothers.  They aren't the only creatures with that ability, but it sure is neato.

You may be thinking that the Vietnamese should stop eating these lizards.  You know, for science and all.  But anyone who has seen a Godzilla movie can tell you that if Asians aren't eating lizards, lizards are eating Asians.

Oh, that's Japan, you say?  It's not the same as Vietnam, you say?  Well good for you.  Next time you see an Asian you can tell him that you're one of the "good" white people.  Maybe he'll share his lizard dinner with you.



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CA I Love You, But You're Bringing Me Down

Hey California.  I think we need to talk.

We've had some great times.  Remember when you gave us Tupac and West Coast rap?  And Disneyland?  So many good memories.

But I feel like we've grown apart these last few years.  To be honest, we made a lot of excuses for you.  Like when you elected Arnold Schwarzenegger governor.  We thought you were trying to be hipster-ironic.  And it was pretty funny.  The Terminator?  What's up with that?

Even when you voted on Prop 8.  I mean, you have San Fransisco, the gayest place in the universe.  We were confused, but maybe it was just self-depricating humor.  Like "Ha ha, I'm so gay I couldn't possibly be with just one other man".

But you've gone too far with voting no on Prop 19.  California, I thought we were cool.  You were willing to allow people to get medical marijuana.  But you're standing in the way of stoners?  Who make up one fourth of your population?  And yes, I did make that number up for the sake of this blog.

California, I'm sorry, but I think we have to break up.  I feel like we're drifting further and further apart.  Literally, the San Andreas fault is moving us further and further apart.

You can keep Hollywood.  We'll find a way to adjust.  I'm sure you'll bounce back, too.  I hear Mexico is nice this time of year.  I'm sure they'd be happy to take you back.

We're keeping the rap, though.

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