Ready, Aim, Push the B button!

Cnet reports that a study published in Nature Neuroscience shows that playing action videogames like Call of Duty can actually improve vision! Playing these games resulted in improvements in contrast sensitivity in the vision of the test group by up to 58%.
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I think too often the media reports the negative side effects of playing videogames. This report is a step in the right direction. How can we possibly expect videogames to teach kids how to commit murders if they can't see their targets? I'd like to see a book that can cause kids to become killers AND give them the precise vision they need to do it.
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Now if only Guitar Hero were able to influence not only our fashion sense, but our actual guitar playing ability...

Top 5 Majors that Should Exist

The Chicago Tribune, which is apparently the only paper that has noteworthy news lately, has reported that a class titled "Intensive Study of a Culture: Pirates" will be offered to students at the University of Chicago. A class about pirates? Are you serious?

It got me to thinking, what kind of classes would I like to see offered at my school? So I've come up with a list of the top majors that don't exist, but if they did I would drop English in a heartbeat.

5. Ninja-ology: Taking on the age-old internet debate of Pirates v. Ninjas, I'd say a major like this would be awesome. Imagine having Prof. Ra's Al Ghul teach your class.

4. Apocolypse-ology: Everything from the science of 2012 to the Book of Revelations to preparation for the Zombie apocolypse. Courses might include "Making Weapons out of Household Objects 101", or "Constructing Zombie-Proof Strongholds 300".

3. Super Hero-ing: Learn to be a super hero. Explore costume design, a superior sense of morality, and how to wear glasses in day to day life to disguise your identity.

2. Psychic-ology: Develop your psychic abilities and apply them to the real world. Tests would be a breeze because you'd already know the answers, right?

1. Paranormal Investigation: I want to be a ghost hunter so badly it's amazing. This major would prepare you for exploring the depths of Loch Ness, tracking Big Foot, searching for UFO's, and of course capturing evidence of spirit activity. Class subjects might include shaky photography, poor quality audio/video technology, and sounding like a complete nut.

There you have it. Those are the majors I would drop English for, no questions asked. Let's be honest, an English major is just as useless as the rest of these. Am I right or am I right?

Aww, Shoot!

This is the second post in a row having to do with guns, but this time it's about actual guns, not Michelle Obama's arm-cannons.

The Chicago Tribune has reported on two rather interesting shootings. Apparently a man in Elgin shot his wife in the leg around 5 A.M. on Saturday after "mistaking" her for a burglar when she tried to get into bed.

Yeah right! A burglar comes into the house at 5 in the morning and after a night of looting, burgling, and general mischief decides, "Hey, I'm kinda sleepy. I think I'll stop mid-caper and take a nap with the dude I'm stealing from." The guy was most likely pissed about his wife coming home at 5, decided to teach her a lesson, and busted a cap in her leg. He should have realized that the proper way to control a woman is to force her to wear sleeves (see post below).

The second shooting took place in New York on Sunday when a woman was hit by an arrow! (Who shoots an arrow?) She was hit in the stomach, but was in stable condition at the hospital. The police believe the arrow was shot at random.

My guess is Cupid had a little too much fun on St. Patrick's day weekend, thought it was Valentine's day again, and aimed a little low. Other suspects include Rambo, Atilla the Hun, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Drawing Her Guns

The Chicago Tribune reports that a comic book, titled Female Force, will feature Michelle Obama. The comic has also featured such influential women as Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin, the latter of which I can only assume is a satirical issue.

Michelle's story will be told through the comic from her days growing up in Chicago, to moving to the White House, to her famous advancement of women's right not to wear sleeves. I honestly don't know how women figured out that we men were keeping them down by forcing them to wear sleeves, but Michelle shattered that glass ceiling with those sexy guns. PEW PEW!

I'm just surprised Barack's knuckles didn't explode like an iPod Touch (look it up) when Michelle gave him the old fist bump.

Dress for the Video Game You Want

I am by no means a "fashionable" guy, but I like to look like I'm not a total slacker. But after my recent efforts to update my wardrobe, I must say that guys' fashion has taken a turn for the monotonous. Nearly every piece of clothing you will find in the men's department that isn't taken directly from the pages of the bro uniform handbook is adorned with guitars and skulls. Guitars and skulls are everywhere. I assume this is due to the growing popularity of the game Guitar Hero, which seems to be obsessed with guitars (obviously) and skulls. This presents a problem for me, since I don't play Guitar Hero nearly enough (or have the money to keep buying the games) to be good at it, or to advertise it on my clothing.

Therefore, I have come up with a solution on how to be stylin' without reaching so deep into my wallet. My plan is to wear the decaying corpse of Jimi Hendrix. I believe this will kill two birds with one skeleton, serving to fulfill both the skull and guitar requirements that society demands. I just hope he doesn't shrink in the wash.

Sure, it may smell a little foul, but the grungey, unshowered look is in nowadays as well. Plus, with the time previously spent on making sure I'm clean and smelling decent, I'll be able to play more Guitar Hero.

"DA Sears!" or "Whatchoo Talkin' 'bout Willis?"

The Sears Tower is to be renamed the "Willis Tower" after Willis Group Holdings moves in. This change has many Chicagoans up in arms. God (I mean Mike) forbid one commercial brand name be replaced by another. We all know it's just about who has the biggest phallus anyway. Thank you Freud.

Rumor has it that the largest building this side of the prime meridian will also be painted silver. I firmly believe this is an effort to create a deadly weapon that will reflect the sun's rays and fire a heat ray capable of wiping entire cities from the map. The only thing missing is the addition of Sauron's eye at the top of the tower. But in this economy, you work with what you've got.