More Zombies? Yes Please.

Four people have been charged with digging up graves to resell the plots at Chicago's Burr Oak Cemetery. They allegedly dug up quite a few graves, dismembered several bodies, and discarded the remains in an unused corner of the cemetery.

But you and I both know what really happened.

ZOMBIES!!!

The zombies have started rising from the dead. The government is just trying to cover it up by blaming these guys for digging up dead people.

The zombie apocalypse is coming. And with the recent string of celebrity deaths, the zombies are shoring up their numbers. We must be ready.

Those road signs that say "Zombies Ahead" must be taken seriously. We can't be making jokes anymore.

If we aren't careful Michael Jackson will be doing the moonwalk across the flesh of the living. Farah Fawcett will pose for the rising number of prepubescent boys with zombie fetishes. Ed McMahon will knock on doors and people will answer thinking he has a giant check only to find their faces being chewed off by a living corpse.

Although I really hope Oscar Mayer comes back from the dead. I loves me some hot dogs.

Is It Hot In Here or Is It Just Me? You're Right. It's Me.

Newscientist.com reports that a supervolcano may be forming under Mount St. Helens that could be capable of exploding harder than David Carradine's oxygen deprived death-orgasm.

Let me stop there for a moment and address some concerns that that joke may have caused. First, for those of you who cry "Too soon!", let me just say that you do not know David Carradine. Even if you did, he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation. There is nothing I can say that is any more offensive than that.

Second, some of you may ask "Why do most of your posts have to do with sexual innuendos and horrible apocolyptic news stories?". Let me answer that question with a question. Where is your psychology degree? Oh you don't have one? Interesting.

Scientists say that if Mount St. Helens erupts, it could spew enough ash into the atmosphere to cool the global climate by several degrees Celcius. Luckily we're still using Farenheit here in the U.S., so there's nothing to worry about.

However some speculate that the supervolcano could just be water and is relatively harmless. BORING. It's so much more entertaining when it rains fire and brings the world into global winter. I say bring on the Apocolypse.

Zomb-tronic Apocolypse

Scientific American reports that scientist have genetically engineered a virus that can be used to assemble batteries. The virus only infects bacteria and is not harmful to humans... yet.
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Clearly these scientists have never seen the movie I Am Legend. Once the virus mutates and goes airborne, it will most likely spread to all machines that use batteries. This will cause an outbreak of zombie electronics that will rise up and force the few surviving humans to live in enclosed shelters and seal themselves inside after dark.
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My advice, should this occur, is to stay away from Radio Shack and Brookstone (don't trust the massage chair, it won't be a 'nice' touch). Also, being Will Smith helps.

Top 5 Majors that Should Exist

The Chicago Tribune, which is apparently the only paper that has noteworthy news lately, has reported that a class titled "Intensive Study of a Culture: Pirates" will be offered to students at the University of Chicago. A class about pirates? Are you serious?

It got me to thinking, what kind of classes would I like to see offered at my school? So I've come up with a list of the top majors that don't exist, but if they did I would drop English in a heartbeat.

5. Ninja-ology: Taking on the age-old internet debate of Pirates v. Ninjas, I'd say a major like this would be awesome. Imagine having Prof. Ra's Al Ghul teach your class.

4. Apocolypse-ology: Everything from the science of 2012 to the Book of Revelations to preparation for the Zombie apocolypse. Courses might include "Making Weapons out of Household Objects 101", or "Constructing Zombie-Proof Strongholds 300".

3. Super Hero-ing: Learn to be a super hero. Explore costume design, a superior sense of morality, and how to wear glasses in day to day life to disguise your identity.

2. Psychic-ology: Develop your psychic abilities and apply them to the real world. Tests would be a breeze because you'd already know the answers, right?

1. Paranormal Investigation: I want to be a ghost hunter so badly it's amazing. This major would prepare you for exploring the depths of Loch Ness, tracking Big Foot, searching for UFO's, and of course capturing evidence of spirit activity. Class subjects might include shaky photography, poor quality audio/video technology, and sounding like a complete nut.

There you have it. Those are the majors I would drop English for, no questions asked. Let's be honest, an English major is just as useless as the rest of these. Am I right or am I right?