1) Australopithecus: His feet were made for walking, and that's just what they did. His major advancement was the ability to walk upright, which in turn led to the ability to spot predators from far away, to do the cha-cha slide, and eventually to dunk a basketball. Before you know it, every day he was shuffling. Ultimately, he died out when potential mates grew sick of him complaining about how his "dogs were barking" and his constant requests for foot massages.
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| Shuffled into non-existence. Also there were robots. |
2) Homo habilis (no homo): The first of the evolutionary chain to get all "handsy". His new opposable thumbs allowed him to be the first to make the joke, "What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? This guy! Seriously, I'm the first one to have thumbs. You should be impressed." Eventually his cocky attitude got the best of him when constant thumbs-up gestures to his buddies distracted him from predators and made him virtually undateable.
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| Also, he wrote jokes for Scrubs, which has been cancelled several times since the Pleistocene. |
3) Homo erectus (okay, totes homo): The brainiac of the family tree, and the one with the most hilarious name, Homo erectus never had a chance in high school. But being a nerd has its advantages. While Homo habilis was busy poking cheerleaders, H. erectus was busy developing better tools and finding a stable job with a higher salary. Though they lived at the same time for a while, H. erectus outlived H. habilis, proving that the nerds always win eventually.
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| An arsenal of stone tools and six figures, ladies. |
4) Homo neanderthalensis: The Neanderthal is like that uncle that your brother suspiciously resembles more than your actual father. He lived at the same time as Homo sapiens, and even managed to bang one or two. In fact, many people alive today have a little Neanderthal DNA floating around in them (not in the sexual way, just... nevermind). Despite his constant efforts to convince mates that his pronounced forehead was a sign of sexual fertility, the Neanderthal was far too fugly to be a long-term mate.
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| Above: Fuggo. Too ugly to love. |
5) Homo sapiens: That's you! You're an upright-walking, thumb-having, language-speaking, building... building, television-watching consumer thanks to all the junk that happened before you. We've spread out over the whole world, launched people at the moon, and flung our garbage out into space, hoping to find anyone in the universe like us. So far, no luck. Scientists say that this is it. No more evolving for humans, barring some natural global catastrophe, which is unlikely. Although, Snooki is having a child in December of 2012...
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| Above: The end of all things. |
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