Naked Pictures of You!

Big news from the Chicago Tribune. It seems O'Hare is getting full body scanners for security.

I'd like to personally volunteer to scan the 18-25 year old female demographic. I do that all the time for free, so getting paid for it would be fantastic.

This means that every passenger, not just the suspicious ones, every passenger, not just the muslim ones, every passenger, not just the non-white ones, every passenger will be scanned by a machine that shows your naughty bits to some security perv.

And all of this because some guy set his crotch on fire in a poor attempt at a terrorist attack. He may be going to jail, but at least he'll never have to shave his pubes again.

As for the rest of us, we have to get cancer from some radioactive x-ray machine that exposes our junk to the fuzz. Now all we need is the machine that gives a cavity search to everyone.

I can tell what you're thinking already. "But they don't let you bring lube through security!" I know. It's a pain in the butt... buh dum tshhhh.

So Long, Noughties!

Well, the decade started off with the election of George Bush and the horrors of 9/11. And judging by the state of the global economy, the environment, and the fact that Lady Gaga is at the top of the charts, we aren't ending on a much higher note.

Sadly, this is most likely the decade that will define my generation. And I, for one, am glad this decade is at an end. It means there are a few things for me to look forward to. First of all, VH1 will undoubtedly come out with another "I Love The..." series, which I'm willing to bet will be called "I Love the Noughties".

Second, the world is going to end in only 2 years. Which means all of my concerns about finding a job and a girlfriend and all that will be pretty much worthless.

And Obama is president, which means racism is over!

But don't make the mistake of saying "things can't possibly get any worse" in the next decade. If you've ever seen a movie with Chevy Chase, you know that the second you say it, the car will break down or the Christmas tree will catch fire or you'll be mauled by robots.

Good riddance, Noughties! See you in the history books and, eventually, on Nick at Nite.