Like a Bandit

Every see a movie like Heist or Ocean's Eleven and think "No way that could happen in real life"?

Guess again, sucker. According to USA Today, four armed robbers made off with millions of dollars from a company responsible for resupplying ATMs throughout the midwest. The best part? No hostages, no violence, and no turning on each other because someone is planning on getting out of the game (cuz once you're in, ain't no getting out).

These god dang ninja-vikings pulled up in a homemade armored van (for only the most serious soccer moms), snuck in behind one of the workers and disarmed him, then waited for the next employee to show up because they knew it takes two codes to open the vault. They packed up the money, left the employees in the vault, and drove off like freaking Road Warriors.

I'm not saying a life of crime is a good thing. But who hasn't had the thought that if it weren't for the whole getting caught and gunned down in a blaze of glory thing, robbing a bank would be awesome. And indeed it is awesome, as these mysterious masters of banditry proved.

Suspects include George Clooney, the ghost of Robin Hood, and Nightcrawler from X-Men.

Obama Shows his Pimp Hand

In news that made me chuckle, the Associated Press reports that PETA is sending Barack Obama a humane fly-catching device after he swatted a fly during an interview for CNBC.

Seriously PETA?

Obama gave the fly fair warning, saying "Get out of here." When the fly failed to heed his warning, he pimp-slapped it with the lightning fast reflexes of a presidential ninja.

Some may claim that the fly cannot understand English and was therefore an innocent victim. I call BS. I can't speak to dogs, but if one growls at me I'm going to move in the opposite direction. I don't speak Parseltongue, but if a rattlesnake shakes it's ass I know I'll get hurt if I go near it. (Oddly, I take similar caution when human females shake their asses.)

The fly was picking a fight with our president, and was therefore picking a fight with America. The Japanese or the Taliban could have advised the fly on the consequences of its actions.

You mess with Obama, he's gonna bring the smackdown. Lesson learned.

Top 5 Majors that Should Exist

The Chicago Tribune, which is apparently the only paper that has noteworthy news lately, has reported that a class titled "Intensive Study of a Culture: Pirates" will be offered to students at the University of Chicago. A class about pirates? Are you serious?

It got me to thinking, what kind of classes would I like to see offered at my school? So I've come up with a list of the top majors that don't exist, but if they did I would drop English in a heartbeat.

5. Ninja-ology: Taking on the age-old internet debate of Pirates v. Ninjas, I'd say a major like this would be awesome. Imagine having Prof. Ra's Al Ghul teach your class.

4. Apocolypse-ology: Everything from the science of 2012 to the Book of Revelations to preparation for the Zombie apocolypse. Courses might include "Making Weapons out of Household Objects 101", or "Constructing Zombie-Proof Strongholds 300".

3. Super Hero-ing: Learn to be a super hero. Explore costume design, a superior sense of morality, and how to wear glasses in day to day life to disguise your identity.

2. Psychic-ology: Develop your psychic abilities and apply them to the real world. Tests would be a breeze because you'd already know the answers, right?

1. Paranormal Investigation: I want to be a ghost hunter so badly it's amazing. This major would prepare you for exploring the depths of Loch Ness, tracking Big Foot, searching for UFO's, and of course capturing evidence of spirit activity. Class subjects might include shaky photography, poor quality audio/video technology, and sounding like a complete nut.

There you have it. Those are the majors I would drop English for, no questions asked. Let's be honest, an English major is just as useless as the rest of these. Am I right or am I right?