Lern 2 Spel, Dooshbag!

Protests serve many purposes. The Civil Rights leaders protested against racism and inequality. The people of Iran protested an election they believed to be unfair. Tea partiers protest tea, or something.

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Yes, there are a great many worthy causes to protest for. But perhaps none so worthy as the cause that protestors outside of the Scripps National Spelling Bee in Washington are fighting for. They are simply asking that we change the spelling of words.

Yeah, there is an oil spill that is destroying all life in the Gulf, America is still at war, and Lady Gaga is still producing "music". But all of those tragedies of the day don't compare to our need to simplify the spelling of words that have been a part of our language for hundreds of years.

Nevermind the fact that thousands of texts in English exist across the globe that would have to be re-printed. Nevermind having to learn your own language all over again. Nevermind the fact that every dictionary in existence would be outdated. Our kids are failing spelling tests! Well, except for those nerds at the spelling bee.

A worthy cause indeed, protestors. Perhaps we could use all of those useless dictionaries to soak up the oil spill. And stuff Lady Gaga in the pipe for good measure. Brilliant.

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Suck It, Nature!

If you have allergies, then I don't need to tell you this is one of the worst allergy seasons on record in the country.

If you can manage to read this through your tear-filled eyes and booger-laden tissues, congratulations. The fact is that the trees and plants, much like in Shyamalan's The Happening, are trying to murder us.

This is the latest in a long line of attacks by nature on humanity. Volcanoes, global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, Lady Gaga, swine flu, the list of forces of nature that can and will kill you is on the rise.

My solution: stop breathing out. Plants need CO2 to survive, right? Well lets see how they like it when we stop spewing it from our lungs. Take that, nature!

Volcanoes? Just throw a virgin or two in them. Anime Central is coming up and I'm sure we can find a more than enough specimens to satisfy the bloodlust of volcanoes. Global warming? Well, since you stopped breathing there won't be any more CO2, which means no more global warming. That's what we call a classic two-birds-one-stone scenario.

Earthquakes? According to muslim cleric Sedighi, women showing too much cleavage causes earthquakes. So cover them up ladies.

On second thought, I think we can live with earthquakes.

So Long, Noughties!

Well, the decade started off with the election of George Bush and the horrors of 9/11. And judging by the state of the global economy, the environment, and the fact that Lady Gaga is at the top of the charts, we aren't ending on a much higher note.

Sadly, this is most likely the decade that will define my generation. And I, for one, am glad this decade is at an end. It means there are a few things for me to look forward to. First of all, VH1 will undoubtedly come out with another "I Love The..." series, which I'm willing to bet will be called "I Love the Noughties".

Second, the world is going to end in only 2 years. Which means all of my concerns about finding a job and a girlfriend and all that will be pretty much worthless.

And Obama is president, which means racism is over!

But don't make the mistake of saying "things can't possibly get any worse" in the next decade. If you've ever seen a movie with Chevy Chase, you know that the second you say it, the car will break down or the Christmas tree will catch fire or you'll be mauled by robots.

Good riddance, Noughties! See you in the history books and, eventually, on Nick at Nite.