The End Just Got Nigher

Well ladies and gents, it's a new year and we're one step closer to the Apocalypse.  2012 is coming, and if the Mayan's were good for anything (were they?) it's doomsday prophesies.  Okay, maybe they dropped the ball on predicting their own demise, but let's look at the facts.

Thousands of birds and fish, and now crabs apparently (the water kind, not the pube kind), have died en masse in the U.S., Sweden, Brazil, New Zealand, and Britain.  Scientists say it can be the result of global warming, waste dumping, disease, or in the case of the birds who dropped dead on New Years Eve confusion and fear  over fireworks.

But what's more likely, those perfectly logical scientific explanations, or the end of days?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.

2010 saw a huge influx of high profile UFO sightings, including ones that shut down Chinese airports and produced weird lights and formations over Texas.  Aliens, or angels of death heralding the Rapture?  Californians reported seeing a possible missile launch off the west coast.  The government's response:  "Um...  I dunno.  A cloud I guess?"

Come on, government.  People, can we really trust a group where one of the most powerful people weeps openly all the time.  Like, all the time.  Look up "John Boehner crying".  There's 4000 more results on Google than "John Boehner not crying".  Also his name is pronounced "Bay-ner", not the way it looks like it should be pronounced.  You would think getting called "Boner" his whole life would toughen him up.

No, we can't trust the government.  We can't trust science.  All we can trust is that, come 2012, we're all checking out.  The last step?  Zombies.  Yeah.  Get ready for that.




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More Zombies? Yes Please.

Four people have been charged with digging up graves to resell the plots at Chicago's Burr Oak Cemetery. They allegedly dug up quite a few graves, dismembered several bodies, and discarded the remains in an unused corner of the cemetery.

But you and I both know what really happened.

ZOMBIES!!!

The zombies have started rising from the dead. The government is just trying to cover it up by blaming these guys for digging up dead people.

The zombie apocalypse is coming. And with the recent string of celebrity deaths, the zombies are shoring up their numbers. We must be ready.

Those road signs that say "Zombies Ahead" must be taken seriously. We can't be making jokes anymore.

If we aren't careful Michael Jackson will be doing the moonwalk across the flesh of the living. Farah Fawcett will pose for the rising number of prepubescent boys with zombie fetishes. Ed McMahon will knock on doors and people will answer thinking he has a giant check only to find their faces being chewed off by a living corpse.

Although I really hope Oscar Mayer comes back from the dead. I loves me some hot dogs.

Jackson Dead? Not a Chance.

Today Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital after going through cardiac arrest. Early reports have stated that the King of Pop passed away at age 50.

While he may be dead, Jacko is certainly not gone. I predict that Jackson will become the Elvis of pop. People will speculate that he didn't die, but went home in the mother ship to be number 1 on Mars's Top 40. Little boys will claim that Jackson probed them in his spaceship.

Much like those who prefer young, thin Elvis to old, fat Elvis, everyone will have an opinion as to whether young, black Michael was better than old, white Michael.

Hordes of Jacko looke-alikes will come crawling out of the woodwork for Michael Conventions. Maybe Michael Jacks-con 2010 is just around the corner.

Jackson will be to pop what Tupac is to rap. It will be speculated that he faked his own death, and people will search for clues in his posthumous albums. His zombie corpse will be spotted performing "Thriller" at nightclubs everywhere.

Dead? I think not.

Zombie Pilot Lands Plane, Eats Brain

The Wall Street Journal reports that a Continental Airlines flight from Brussels to Newark landed safely after the pilot was pronounced clinically dead by a cardiologist on board the plane. Not only that, the flight landed early on a day when most flights were delayed by rain and fog.

There was no evidence that the pilot was suffering from zombie-ism, so there is no chance that he rose from the dead to land the plane.

Now I'm not so callous as to suggest that killing your pilot will ensure your flight will get you to Disneyworld on time. If you include court and jail time, I'm sure it would have quite the opposite effect. .

Nor am I suggesting that a pilot dying is in any way humorous. All I am suggesting is that airlines consider hiring dead pilots to land flights on time.

If a dead man can out-perform you at your job and you aren't doing work playing a cadaver on CSI, then you may want to reconsider your profession.

Zomb-tronic Apocolypse

Scientific American reports that scientist have genetically engineered a virus that can be used to assemble batteries. The virus only infects bacteria and is not harmful to humans... yet.
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Clearly these scientists have never seen the movie I Am Legend. Once the virus mutates and goes airborne, it will most likely spread to all machines that use batteries. This will cause an outbreak of zombie electronics that will rise up and force the few surviving humans to live in enclosed shelters and seal themselves inside after dark.
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My advice, should this occur, is to stay away from Radio Shack and Brookstone (don't trust the massage chair, it won't be a 'nice' touch). Also, being Will Smith helps.