It's All In A Name

A killer whale killed its trainer at SeaWorld last week in front of a full audience. This has led to speculation about how this tragedy could have been prevented, but no one has suggested the obvious. Stop calling them KILLER WHALES!

Are you going to leave your kid in a room alone with some guy named Muderer Von Kiddierape? No, of course not. Chances are good he's a murderer and/or kiddie rapist.

No one gets killed by the bottlenose dolphin. Do you know why? Because we call them bottlenose! They hear that and think, "Well I'm not going to mess with humans. They just make fun of my nose."

Do you know what the killer whale thinks when he hears us call him a killer whale? He thinks, "I have to kill someone." It's basic psychology.

Sad thing is, this particular whale has already been involved in two other killings. That means this is a serial killer whale. So it's time we start taking it serial and change its name to something like "cowface" whale, or "fatty-fat-fat". If you put someone down enough, there's no way he's going to snap and start killing people... right?

You Know What Would Make Great White Sharks Scarier?

They're big, fast, have rows of sharp teeth, and eat people. The only problem? They aren't scary enough.

Science to the rescue! Studiers of Great White Shark behavior have compared the hunting techniques of the vicious fish to those of human serial killers. Oh, science.

The sharks stalk their prey from out of sight, often returning to the same places to find their next kill and learning from past attempts.

An entire series of Jaws movies wasn't enough to keep people out of the ocean. We needed to group the animal with the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, and John Wayne Gacy.

In the wise words of the sagely Jeff Goldblum, "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."

If only we all stopped to listen to the wisdom of Jeff Goldblum...