10 Step Guide to Responsible Drinking

Alcohol companies always tell you to drink responsibly.  But what does it even mean to drink responsibly?  Seems like an oxymoron, right?  Well your mom is an oxymoron.  So here is a step by step guide to drinking responsibly.

1.  Climbing on things isn't a good idea.  It's a great idea. Trees, streetlights, statues, buildings, whatever.  Especially because it's attractive to women.  It goes back to the days when we were all monkeys.  Guy monkey would climb a tree, and girl monkey would be all like, "Damn, I want a piece of that monkey butt".  Same principle applies today.

Ladies?

2.  Drink lots of water.  This is good advice because water tastes great with alcohol.

3.  Don't start fights.  Finish them.  Your drunk-ness will give you Hulk-like strength, perfect for bringing any conflict to a speedy conclusion.

It'll make you green at least.

4.  Program the cab company's number into your phone.  This will provide you the opportunity to make some especially hilarious drunk dials when you forget that you are talking to a burly cab driver and not your ex.

5.  Don't break the seal.  Clubbing seals is illegal, and if you break one you could get in serious trouble.

6.  Don't drink alone.  If you pass out, your face isn't going to draw penises on itself.

7.  Pace yourself.  Drinking is a marathon, which is why a Kenyan will always beat you at it, no matter how much you try.

8.  Cover your drink.  The only purpose this serves is to keep flavor in, so it's not that important.

9.  Remember the rhyme "Beer then liquor, you're made out of wicker.  Liquor then beer... well that's good, too."  It's fun to say.

10.  Above all, don't talk to police.  They prefer to be yelled at, and it's best if you use violent hand gestures to get their attention.

Also, give them bones.
They love it.

Hope this helps.  Now go out there and get you some harmless, legal alcohol.  Drink responsibly.  And sorry about calling your mom an oxymoron.



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You Know How I Know It's Not American?

I get a craving for a beer once in a while. So I decided to give Carlsberg a try (believe it or not, Miller and Bud are imports here in England). And as I put the can to my lips, I noticed the slogan of the Carlsberg brand in proud gold lettering. It said, "Probably the best lager in the world..."

Probably? Really?

Miller called itself "The Champagne of Bottled Beers". Bud had the self-proclaimed title of "King of Beers". What's with probably? It might as well be, "Eh, give it a try. Some people like it." It even trails off at the end with an ellipsis, like they left something off.

The original slogan most likely read, "Probably the best lager in the world. I mean let's be honest, best is a broad category. Some people would judge by taste, which is subjective to each individual, so it's hard to claim any one lager is the best. We make this claim solely on our own preferences. Well actually it's the preference of Bill. He works in accounting. But his preferences might be similar to yours, in which case you might judge this lager as the best."

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Even the owner of Men's Warehouse guarantees you'll like the way you look! If you're going to make a product, stand by it. Claim your beer is the best thing since God made sex! Claim it will make you look like Brad Pitt. Claim drinking it is the coolest thing since James Dean sat on an iceberg.

This is probably the best advice Carlsberg has ever gotten...

The Life Lessons of Beer

As I write this blog I am drinking an Apple-Cinnamon flavored Leinenkugel beer. Half of you are probably thinking, "hey that sounds disgusting," and the other half are probably thinking, "hey that might be good."

Well, that split opinion is a fairly accurate reflection of the actual taste because I haven't really decided how I feel about it. It seems that every other sip is delightful, but the sip in between is horrible.

That's kind of like life. You take the good with the bad, the ying with the yang, the sex with the teen pregnancy, etc.

Oh beer, you teach us so many life lessons.

Anyway, I figured this blog post would be more interactive than my other ones. What are some of the life lessons beer has taught you?

Leave a comment and let me know. If I think of anymore beer life lessons, I'll post them.