Suck It, Nature!

If you have allergies, then I don't need to tell you this is one of the worst allergy seasons on record in the country.

If you can manage to read this through your tear-filled eyes and booger-laden tissues, congratulations. The fact is that the trees and plants, much like in Shyamalan's The Happening, are trying to murder us.

This is the latest in a long line of attacks by nature on humanity. Volcanoes, global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, Lady Gaga, swine flu, the list of forces of nature that can and will kill you is on the rise.

My solution: stop breathing out. Plants need CO2 to survive, right? Well lets see how they like it when we stop spewing it from our lungs. Take that, nature!

Volcanoes? Just throw a virgin or two in them. Anime Central is coming up and I'm sure we can find a more than enough specimens to satisfy the bloodlust of volcanoes. Global warming? Well, since you stopped breathing there won't be any more CO2, which means no more global warming. That's what we call a classic two-birds-one-stone scenario.

Earthquakes? According to muslim cleric Sedighi, women showing too much cleavage causes earthquakes. So cover them up ladies.

On second thought, I think we can live with earthquakes.

Come Fly With Me... Or Whatever, I Guess

The FAA just said it will allow depressed pilots who are on antidepressants to fly again.

Why wouldn't you want your depressed pilot to be on antidepressants? Can you imagine flying with a depressed pilot who wasn't medicated?

"We'll be flying at 32,000 feet today, which luckily no one is going to be limping away from if we crash. An oxygen mask will come down, but why bother? It's all pointless anyway. The bag will appear to be empty... like my soul... but air will still come through. But really, we all have to die sometime. So might as well just suffocate and die. Meh. See you in hell."

No thank you. I'll take my pilots highly medicated please. Anything you can do to keep them happy and wanting to live is fine with me.