10 Step Guide to Responsible Drinking

Alcohol companies always tell you to drink responsibly.  But what does it even mean to drink responsibly?  Seems like an oxymoron, right?  Well your mom is an oxymoron.  So here is a step by step guide to drinking responsibly.

1.  Climbing on things isn't a good idea.  It's a great idea. Trees, streetlights, statues, buildings, whatever.  Especially because it's attractive to women.  It goes back to the days when we were all monkeys.  Guy monkey would climb a tree, and girl monkey would be all like, "Damn, I want a piece of that monkey butt".  Same principle applies today.

Ladies?

2.  Drink lots of water.  This is good advice because water tastes great with alcohol.

3.  Don't start fights.  Finish them.  Your drunk-ness will give you Hulk-like strength, perfect for bringing any conflict to a speedy conclusion.

It'll make you green at least.

4.  Program the cab company's number into your phone.  This will provide you the opportunity to make some especially hilarious drunk dials when you forget that you are talking to a burly cab driver and not your ex.

5.  Don't break the seal.  Clubbing seals is illegal, and if you break one you could get in serious trouble.

6.  Don't drink alone.  If you pass out, your face isn't going to draw penises on itself.

7.  Pace yourself.  Drinking is a marathon, which is why a Kenyan will always beat you at it, no matter how much you try.

8.  Cover your drink.  The only purpose this serves is to keep flavor in, so it's not that important.

9.  Remember the rhyme "Beer then liquor, you're made out of wicker.  Liquor then beer... well that's good, too."  It's fun to say.

10.  Above all, don't talk to police.  They prefer to be yelled at, and it's best if you use violent hand gestures to get their attention.

Also, give them bones.
They love it.

Hope this helps.  Now go out there and get you some harmless, legal alcohol.  Drink responsibly.  And sorry about calling your mom an oxymoron.



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Brilliant Idea: Barstucks

Sometimes you have an idea so good you just have to share it before it slips away.  This is one of those ideas.

My idea is to open a chain of bars called Barstucks Coffee.  They will look like Starbucks Coffee in every way, except the sign says "Barstucks Coffee".  You may be thinking, "Hey Mike, won't people get confused and end up walking into your bar looking for coffee?"  Shut up right now and stop interrupting my blog with your stupid thoughts.

Yes, people will walk into my bars by mistake.  That's part of the point.  They will walk in and ask for a tall chai mocha latte, and the bartender will say, "We don't serve coffee."  But the customers won't be upset once they find out they don't have to deal with the whiny, douchey, better-than-you cumstains who work at Starbucks and they can get a trenta of vodka.  And you can get it in a to-go cup!

Now, you may be thinking, "Won't to-go cups of alcohol encourage drunk driving?"  I thought I told you to shut up.  Interrupt my blog with your thoughts one more time and see what happens.

The cups won't encourage drunk driving because the bartender will write "Don't drink and drive" on each cup in Sharpie.  And once you accept something written in Sharpie, you have to accept it as law.  It's called "Sharpie Law".

Barstucks Coffee may infringe on some copyrights and trademarks, may include false advertising, and may increase alcoholism.  But is it that much worse than elitist snobs correcting you when you order a small, medium, or large and having a bunch of caffeine-crazed drivers road-raging to work every morning?


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Jumping Brooks is Jumping Off Bridges

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you? Of course you would.

Well one brave student is starting the trend. According to the Chicago Tribune a 22 year-old dove off the North Avenue pier and fell head-first into shallow water faster than a fat kid onto a fried twinkie. A few days later he died from serious injuries. The police believe his death was an accident.

He was walking on the pier with a girlfriend at 4:40 AM when he decided to take the plunge. So chalk up another death to drunk men doing stupid things to impress women.

To all you drunks out there who are trying to show off for girls after 3 in the morning, you don't look cool climbing that tree. You don't look cool doing a poorly executed hand-stand. You don't look cool jumping off a bridge. And you definitely don't look cool dead. So while you struggle to haul yourself up onto the Alma Mater, I'll be the one hanging back with the girls and laughing at you.

Now let's all jump on the band wagon and jump off bridges!

You're Welcome, Mickey's

I've decided to create some advertisements for companies who I feel don't do enough to promote their products. This one is for Mickey's and is inspired by a drunk conversation with friends.

All I have to say is, you are welcome, Mickey's.