Must Be The Money

Recently, the Chicago Tribune broke the story that the University of Illinois has been accepting some students based on their financial prosperity, rather than the merits of their scholastic accomplishments. The Chancellor of the school found the need to send an e-mail of explanation to the students explaining the situation.

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I don't know why people are complaining. Ivy League schools do this all the time. How can we expect to be the Harvard of the Midwest if we have a bunch of smart poor people coming to our school? We need the economic elite! We need people who walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment and superiority if we ever expect to compete with schools of higher reputation!

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A school cannot live on the funds of alumni alone. And these same complainers whine about a bell tower being built on the south quad when Lincoln Hall or the English Building are falling apart. People, we clearly need a large phallic object to satisfy the huge, old, blown-out vagina that is the Undergrad Library!

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So quit your whining! Intelligence never got anybody anywhere. Money, on the other hand, buys moving sidewalks on the quad. Think about that.