I Answer Stupid Questions Part 4

Ever wonder what you'll name your kids one day?  Why not turn to the World Wide Interwebs for suggestions?

Well... because you might get suggestions from me.

As always, click the pics to enlarge.  Enjoy.

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Other Things On Obama's Plate

You may think that being the president is all about fighting wars, having sex with Marilyn Monroe, and other general everyday bad-assery.  And believe me, Obama is keeping up with all of that.  But what about the other stuff?  The boring minutia of the day-to-day life in the White Black House?  Well rest assured.  Barack-out-with-your-crocs-out has that nonsense on lock, too.

Here's an example.  Look at the top of your screen.  See that URL?  There's a good old fashioned American ".com" in that address, isn't there?  Well since Thomas Jefferson created the internet back in the day (it was Jefferson, right?) you've probably noticed that a ton of new dot somethings are floating around.  Not just ".org" or ".net", but a bunch of other flibbity-bibbity.  In fact, 115 new domains are under consideration as you read this, including ".car", ".movie", and my favorite, ".gay".  I haven't read the Bible in some time, but I'm pretty sure I remember something about a gay domain being an abomination.

And who has the power to say which of these domains flies or dies?  A California based company under a US government contract.  In other words, our Kill Switch wielding, basketball shooting, 44th president holds the power to give it the ol' left-handed John Hancock.  I mean his signature, not masturbation.

So next time you think about saying this president doesn't do anything, keep in mind he's the only thing standing between you and gay web domains.

You know what else has a ".com"?  The blog's Facebook page.  Like it.

So Long, Noughties!

Well, the decade started off with the election of George Bush and the horrors of 9/11. And judging by the state of the global economy, the environment, and the fact that Lady Gaga is at the top of the charts, we aren't ending on a much higher note.

Sadly, this is most likely the decade that will define my generation. And I, for one, am glad this decade is at an end. It means there are a few things for me to look forward to. First of all, VH1 will undoubtedly come out with another "I Love The..." series, which I'm willing to bet will be called "I Love the Noughties".

Second, the world is going to end in only 2 years. Which means all of my concerns about finding a job and a girlfriend and all that will be pretty much worthless.

And Obama is president, which means racism is over!

But don't make the mistake of saying "things can't possibly get any worse" in the next decade. If you've ever seen a movie with Chevy Chase, you know that the second you say it, the car will break down or the Christmas tree will catch fire or you'll be mauled by robots.

Good riddance, Noughties! See you in the history books and, eventually, on Nick at Nite.

America the Baby-ful

Chances are good that if you've heard any news at all lately, it's been about the "town hall" meeting protests that have been going on. People sneek into these meetings and shout down speakers who are trying to explain the benefits of Obama's health care plan.

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Well a new survey by an independent research organization shows that 61% of Americans actually agree with the methods taken by protestors, and many of them claim that these crazies have changed their opinion on health care.

At this point it seems like America is a four year old and Obama is a concerned parent trying to console it. I imagine the conversation going like this:

Obama: Don't you want affordable health care?

America: NO! I don't wanna go to the doctor!

Obama: But it'll be good for you.

America: NO! Canada says it hurts. And they said the doctor is going to kill Grandma!

Obama: They won't kill Grandma and it will hurt less than paying for insurance companies that will drop you anyway. I promise.

America: You're lying!

Obama: Don't you want to grow big and strong like the other industrialized nations?

America: NO NO NO! You're a socialist! I want my Hummers and SUVs! NOW!

Grow the eff up, America.

Obama is Such a Joker

After Heath Ledger's stunning performance as the Joker, who could possibly do the character justice in future Batman movies? It would have to be a man who could do anything. A man who captures the imaginations of his audience. A man who projects power and confidence. In short, it would take a hero to play this villain. It would take... President Barack Hussein Obama.

Well, at least that's how he is being portrayed by a few posters that have been spotted around the Los Angeles area. The posters feature the President as the Joker with the word socialism beneath him.

As anyone who has seen The Dark Knight knows, the irony of these posters is that the Joker is an anarchist, which is about as far from socialism as you can get (nnneeerrrrdddd alert).

Plus, you can tell the picture has been photoshopped. Just look at the pixels!

If anything about the posters is offensive, it's a Black man painted in White face. That wouldn't fly if it were a White dude in Black face.

The Sexiness of Lightbulbs

The Chicago Tribune reports that Obama, in addition to addressing other climate change concerns, has proposed legislation regarding lamps and lightbulbs. He is quoted as saying "I know light bulbs may not seem sexy, but this simple action holds enormous promise...".

Lightbulbs not sexy, Mr. President? Well I did some digging, and if this picture has anything to add to the discussion, I'd say Obama should do his research before he speaks.

Either lightbulbs are sexy, or this person needed some lighting to go with his or her colon's feng shui.

Obama Shows his Pimp Hand

In news that made me chuckle, the Associated Press reports that PETA is sending Barack Obama a humane fly-catching device after he swatted a fly during an interview for CNBC.

Seriously PETA?

Obama gave the fly fair warning, saying "Get out of here." When the fly failed to heed his warning, he pimp-slapped it with the lightning fast reflexes of a presidential ninja.

Some may claim that the fly cannot understand English and was therefore an innocent victim. I call BS. I can't speak to dogs, but if one growls at me I'm going to move in the opposite direction. I don't speak Parseltongue, but if a rattlesnake shakes it's ass I know I'll get hurt if I go near it. (Oddly, I take similar caution when human females shake their asses.)

The fly was picking a fight with our president, and was therefore picking a fight with America. The Japanese or the Taliban could have advised the fly on the consequences of its actions.

You mess with Obama, he's gonna bring the smackdown. Lesson learned.

The Chronic Debate

Rhode Island just became the third state in the union to legalize the sale of medical marijuana, joining California and New Mexico. In other news, jokes about Michael Phelps smoking pot suck, so stop it. Everyone does them, they aren't original. Stop.

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The wacky tobaccy is still illegal under federal law, but Obama's people say they won't interfere in stores that obey state law.

Sales of icky sticky in Rhode Island are still limited to the chronic-ally (get it?) ill. So if you're thinking of taking a trip to the itsy bitsy state just for the good stuff you may want to pick up cancer along the way.

So three down and 47 states to go, though it will likely take a long time before Americans can bust out the blunts and bongs in celebration. On the bright side, if you're high it'll seem like no time at all!

Until then, enjoy watching Planet Earth under your Bob Marley poster in your parents' basement while stuffing your face with Cool Ranch Doritos, you stereotype.