Like a Bandit

Every see a movie like Heist or Ocean's Eleven and think "No way that could happen in real life"?

Guess again, sucker. According to USA Today, four armed robbers made off with millions of dollars from a company responsible for resupplying ATMs throughout the midwest. The best part? No hostages, no violence, and no turning on each other because someone is planning on getting out of the game (cuz once you're in, ain't no getting out).

These god dang ninja-vikings pulled up in a homemade armored van (for only the most serious soccer moms), snuck in behind one of the workers and disarmed him, then waited for the next employee to show up because they knew it takes two codes to open the vault. They packed up the money, left the employees in the vault, and drove off like freaking Road Warriors.

I'm not saying a life of crime is a good thing. But who hasn't had the thought that if it weren't for the whole getting caught and gunned down in a blaze of glory thing, robbing a bank would be awesome. And indeed it is awesome, as these mysterious masters of banditry proved.

Suspects include George Clooney, the ghost of Robin Hood, and Nightcrawler from X-Men.

"Hi, I'm Wearing 50 Pairs of Underwear"

Inspired by an event that took place not five minutes ago:

A knock on my door. I open it.

Girl: Hi. I'm wearing 50 pairs of underwear. I'm raising 50 pounds for [whatever cause she was supporting]. Will you... pay me?

My inner thoughts: I'd rather you weren't wearing any underwear. In fact, I'd be more likely to pay you for that.

What I actually said: Sure.

Gave her 4 pounds. Didn't bother to count the pairs of underwear.

I'm all for raising money for causes. Usually I support causes without even knowing what causes they are (see instance above). What I am not for is doing stupid things to "raise awareness" for something.

Just ask me for money. I'm supporting the cause, not you wearing 50 articles of clothing or walking 5 k or attempting to fit as many popsicles into every orifice of your body as possible. Don't cause more suffering to eliminate suffering.

Must Be The Money

Recently, the Chicago Tribune broke the story that the University of Illinois has been accepting some students based on their financial prosperity, rather than the merits of their scholastic accomplishments. The Chancellor of the school found the need to send an e-mail of explanation to the students explaining the situation.

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I don't know why people are complaining. Ivy League schools do this all the time. How can we expect to be the Harvard of the Midwest if we have a bunch of smart poor people coming to our school? We need the economic elite! We need people who walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment and superiority if we ever expect to compete with schools of higher reputation!

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A school cannot live on the funds of alumni alone. And these same complainers whine about a bell tower being built on the south quad when Lincoln Hall or the English Building are falling apart. People, we clearly need a large phallic object to satisfy the huge, old, blown-out vagina that is the Undergrad Library!

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So quit your whining! Intelligence never got anybody anywhere. Money, on the other hand, buys moving sidewalks on the quad. Think about that.