Jumping Brooks is Jumping Off Bridges

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you? Of course you would.

Well one brave student is starting the trend. According to the Chicago Tribune a 22 year-old dove off the North Avenue pier and fell head-first into shallow water faster than a fat kid onto a fried twinkie. A few days later he died from serious injuries. The police believe his death was an accident.

He was walking on the pier with a girlfriend at 4:40 AM when he decided to take the plunge. So chalk up another death to drunk men doing stupid things to impress women.

To all you drunks out there who are trying to show off for girls after 3 in the morning, you don't look cool climbing that tree. You don't look cool doing a poorly executed hand-stand. You don't look cool jumping off a bridge. And you definitely don't look cool dead. So while you struggle to haul yourself up onto the Alma Mater, I'll be the one hanging back with the girls and laughing at you.

Now let's all jump on the band wagon and jump off bridges!

Death By Chocolate

The Philadelphia Inquirer says a temp worker at a chocolate processing plant died when he fell into a vat of melted chocolate.

Now that's a sweet way to die. Buh-dum-tshh!

Unfortunately, unlike Augustus Gloop, the Oompa Loompas couldn't save him. By the time the chocolate mixer was shut down, one of the giant paddles hit the man and the 120 degree chocolate had covered his lungs in a delightful chocolate coating.

The autopsy determined that the man died of asphyxiation. It was the most delicious autopsy ever, as the man had basically been turned into a human Snickers bar.

The family plans to cremate the body, mix it with some milk, and have a lovely after-funeral dessert.

My deepest sympathies to his loved ones.

The Sexiness of Murder-Threesomes

A local Fox station in Colorado opened a news report with this statement: "A three-way sex encounter ended in a bloody mess early Monday morning".

Is there any other way for a threesome to end?

Apparently a guy brought home another guy to have a threesome with his girlfriend. The two gentlemen (term loosely used (like the dude's girlfriend)) started to fight, and the girlfriend, in order to break up the fight, stabbed them both in their respective backs.

As we all know, the only way to break up a fight is to kill both fighters.

But the men did not die. Instead they drove to the hospital together and were treated for their wounds. So the would-be ménage à death had a happy ending (pun intended) after all. By giving the men a common enemy, the girlfriend brought them together, and everyone emerged a little wiser.

Especially the woman's son who was in the house during the incident. Let's see that kid try to have a normal, healthy relationship.

The moral of this story is BROS BEFORE HOES.