Suck It, Nature!

If you have allergies, then I don't need to tell you this is one of the worst allergy seasons on record in the country.

If you can manage to read this through your tear-filled eyes and booger-laden tissues, congratulations. The fact is that the trees and plants, much like in Shyamalan's The Happening, are trying to murder us.

This is the latest in a long line of attacks by nature on humanity. Volcanoes, global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, Lady Gaga, swine flu, the list of forces of nature that can and will kill you is on the rise.

My solution: stop breathing out. Plants need CO2 to survive, right? Well lets see how they like it when we stop spewing it from our lungs. Take that, nature!

Volcanoes? Just throw a virgin or two in them. Anime Central is coming up and I'm sure we can find a more than enough specimens to satisfy the bloodlust of volcanoes. Global warming? Well, since you stopped breathing there won't be any more CO2, which means no more global warming. That's what we call a classic two-birds-one-stone scenario.

Earthquakes? According to muslim cleric Sedighi, women showing too much cleavage causes earthquakes. So cover them up ladies.

On second thought, I think we can live with earthquakes.

Is It Hot In Here or Is It Just Me? You're Right. It's Me.

Newscientist.com reports that a supervolcano may be forming under Mount St. Helens that could be capable of exploding harder than David Carradine's oxygen deprived death-orgasm.

Let me stop there for a moment and address some concerns that that joke may have caused. First, for those of you who cry "Too soon!", let me just say that you do not know David Carradine. Even if you did, he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation. There is nothing I can say that is any more offensive than that.

Second, some of you may ask "Why do most of your posts have to do with sexual innuendos and horrible apocolyptic news stories?". Let me answer that question with a question. Where is your psychology degree? Oh you don't have one? Interesting.

Scientists say that if Mount St. Helens erupts, it could spew enough ash into the atmosphere to cool the global climate by several degrees Celcius. Luckily we're still using Farenheit here in the U.S., so there's nothing to worry about.

However some speculate that the supervolcano could just be water and is relatively harmless. BORING. It's so much more entertaining when it rains fire and brings the world into global winter. I say bring on the Apocolypse.