There Were, Like, THIS Many

If you don't pay any attention to anything anymore, then you might not know that Glenn Beck, conservative talk radio personality and crazy person on television, held a rally to "restore honor" to America. No easy task for a country that invented the krispy kream doughnut bacon cheeseburger.

And to drive home the point, he scheduled the rally for the same place, the Lincoln Memorial, on the same date that Martin Luther King Jr. gave his "I Have a Dream" speech. He claims that he didn't know it was the same date. You might say, "What kind of god dang idiot wouldn't check up on something like that?", but let's be honest. This is Glenn Beck. Racist extrordinaire.

And how did this rally honor King's memory? By fighting for equality, human rights, dignity for all people? Nope. Lower taxes.

But the hilarity doesn't stop there. CBS News commissioned an independent company to analyze images from the rally to determine how many people showed up to the event. After a scientific analysis of the data backed by years of experience, the company said that 87,000 people showed up with a margin of error of 9,000. That was the generous estimate.

Sarah Palin said there must have been over 100,000 people. Glenn Beck said there must have been over 500,000 people. His proof? He took a picture from the Washington Monument and put it on his show and told his viewers to look for themselves. Doesn't it LOOK like that many? There's tons of people. Come on, there can't be less than, like, a bajillion, right?

The company that analyzed the images said that taking Glenn's photo and making an estimate based on that is "like trying to guess how many people are in a line by just looking at them through a doorway".

This has happened all throughout history. Even in the bible there are stories about armies in the hundreds of thousands attacking cities when even the biggest cities at the time barely would have had a million people (the population of the whole world didn't even reach one billion until the 1800s). That is either a staggering percentage of the population devoted to being military personel or a completely inaccurate record made by some guy who was like "Aw man, did you see that? Must have been a million guys with armor and swords and stuff. Write that down. A million. Sounds good."

When you're in the moment, it seems like there are a ton of people with you. They sweat, and stink, and breathe on you, and push, and shove, and whine, and complain. Humans are very good at being a far bigger annoyance than they seem capable of. Glenn Beck is a perfect example of this.

So let Glenn tell you what it feels like, I'll take my facts extra-sciencey please. Maybe I'm in the wrong. After all, what has science given us but the internet and the vaccine for polio?

4 Movies That Are Better if You Approach Them Differently

Some movies are awesome, and some are terrible. But even a terrible movie can be made better if you approach it differently. The following movies are not all abominations, nor are they all masterpieces. But if you approach them in a way that is different than what was probably intended, they become far better. If you've seen them already, watch them again with a different attitude and you'll see what I mean.

Twilight: This definitely fits in the category of "abomination" if you approach it in the way the advertisements would make you believe. They say it's a teenage romantic-horror-drama or some such nonsense.

The way you should approach it? As a comedy. The copious amounts of awkward staring, the stupid voiceovers, the ridiculous dialogue, and the obvious pandering to a certain audience (ahem, awkward teenage girls) are hilarious if you accept that it is meant to be funny. If you don't believe me, watch the scene where Bella gets on Edwards back and they go running up the mountain. It's comedic genius. And indeed the entire movie would be a work of genius if it were intended to be a comedy.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off: This is not an abomination. In fact, it is one of the greatest teen movies of the 80s, and perhaps all time. And if you approach it in the way it was intended to be approached, as a comedy, you will enjoy it. But...

The way you should approach it? As a psychological thriller. One of the fan theories surrounding this movie is that Ferris is the product of Cameron's imagination. If you think about it, Ferries convinces Cameron to get out of bed, break out of his shell, and confront his overbearing father in the course of one day. He is the opposite of Cameron; popular, fun, successful with women, and the entire town seems to rally behind him when he gets "sick". The fact that he is, perhaps, Cameron's alter-ego is not so difficult to believe if you watch the movie with this theory in mind. And it makes a great teen comedy into a film with depth and meaning.

2012: If you watch this movie as an apocolyptic thriller, the way it was most likely intended, you will realize what a piece of garbage it is. Yes, there is some entertainment value in the senseless destruction of the earth and the constant suspenseful moments. But the whole movie is a cliched premise with cliched dialogue and cliche moral lessons. You might assume at the beginning of the movie that the girl who wets the bed will overcome her embarrassing problem, that the main character's divorced wife will get back together with him after her new husband is killed, and that the bad people will all be dead by the end. And indeed you would be right.

The way you should approach it? As a parody. The cliches are so incredibly obvious that you can't help but find humor in them. It's like they just took lines from all apocolyptic and catastrophic thrillers and recycled them into one movie. My favorite was when some scientist says something along the lines of, "For all our advanced scientific equipment, we couldn't predict what the Mayans did thousands of years ago". Oh, the hubris of man. To think that our science makes us invulnerable. Surely the heavens must open up and teach us a lesson in humility. And they do. And that is why this movie is hilarious. The predictability has to be a parody of all these movies. Laughing at this movie is the only way to make it tollerable.

Inception: Okay, we get it. The guy who directed The Dark Knight, with almost the exact same cast of actors, made another great movie. Big freaking deal. And it has an ending that is a bit ambiguous and will keep you thinking for a long time. Woop-de-doo. You know it's a good movie, I know it's a good movie, so let's approach it this way...

The way you should approach it? Watch it, spend one night talking about it with your friends, then NEVER talk about it again. I'm so sick of the speculation about the ending, the fan theories, and all the stupid conversations about how you had that dream that one time where you woke up and you were still dreaming. Oh my God, put a bullet right in my cerebellum before you talk about this movie to me again. Seriously, I get it. It's fun to speculate and bring your own ideas to the plot. That's why I allow for one night of talking it over. But seriously, as an English major I have to analyze things all the time, and your analysis is probably (no offense) pretty basic and far less interesting to everyone else than you believe. Watch it, talk about it, write about it in your diary, then shut up and leave it alone. You are ruining a good movie for me and everyone else.

Watch these films again in the way I am telling you to. There will be no need to get down on your knees and worship me in thanks, just post a comment. And know that you are welcome. You are welcome.

Like a Bandit

Every see a movie like Heist or Ocean's Eleven and think "No way that could happen in real life"?

Guess again, sucker. According to USA Today, four armed robbers made off with millions of dollars from a company responsible for resupplying ATMs throughout the midwest. The best part? No hostages, no violence, and no turning on each other because someone is planning on getting out of the game (cuz once you're in, ain't no getting out).

These god dang ninja-vikings pulled up in a homemade armored van (for only the most serious soccer moms), snuck in behind one of the workers and disarmed him, then waited for the next employee to show up because they knew it takes two codes to open the vault. They packed up the money, left the employees in the vault, and drove off like freaking Road Warriors.

I'm not saying a life of crime is a good thing. But who hasn't had the thought that if it weren't for the whole getting caught and gunned down in a blaze of glory thing, robbing a bank would be awesome. And indeed it is awesome, as these mysterious masters of banditry proved.

Suspects include George Clooney, the ghost of Robin Hood, and Nightcrawler from X-Men.