Underpants in the News

It's no secret that people have moon fever thanks to the anniversary of the historic Apollo 11 moon landing. But anyone who has ever dropped their pants in a public area knows the best thing after a mooning is a solid pair of underpants.

An article by the Associated Press says a Japanese astronaut is coming back to Earth after wearing the same pair of underwear for the past month. The underwear is part of a Japanese developed clothing line for astronauts that is supposedly anti-bacterial, water absorbant, and odor-eliminating.

One must wonder exactly how much ball-sweat the underwear can hold. Even if it were sterilized and odor free, I can't say I'd want the same swamp-ass laden briefs hugging my luscious curves for a whole month.

The best part of the story is that scientists are going to examine the underwear when the astronaut comes back. Now, I've heard of some crappy experiments... (buh-dum tshhh).

Someone should notify Mike Rowe that there is another Dirty Jobs episode on the way.

A Trip to Taco Bell

Glory Hallelujah! Today I took a trip to the most disgusting fast food joint on the planet, Taco Bell! The faux Mexican, diarrhea inducing, just-add-water slop they call food always leaves a horrifying taste in my mouth.
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But perhaps the most disgusting (and hilarious) thing I experienced at this hell hole was a sign above the job applications on the counter. Look familiar? I put it next to the sign near the Mexico-U.S. border, just in case you aren't aware of the warning to oncoming traffic.
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I know Taco Bell tries to pass itself off as a Mexican food place, but seriously? A mexican guy in the same position as the guy in the border sign next to a soccer ball?
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All that's missing in Taco Bell's sign is a sombrero and a car full of undocumented workers.
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Even Colonel Sanders would say "Damn, that's racist".

Taser Leads to Spontaneous Combustion

"Don't tase me, bro!" The plea is all too familiar. But an aboriginee man in Australia apparently wasn't familiar with the phrase.

According to the BBC, the police tasered the man after he ran out of his home, brandishing a can of petrol and a lighter. He had allegedly been sniffing the petrol and became violent. Apparently all that gas-huffing greatly increased his flammability because once tasered, the man burst into flames like a campfire marshmallow! One of the officers smothered the fire, and the man was brought to the hospital in critical condition with third degree burns.

Now I don't mean to be insensitive but... awesome.

The police suggest that the fire was most likely caused by the lighter that the man was holding, not the taser.

We finally have technology that can perform the same job as an "Incendio" spell from Harry Potter's wand!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see HP6! Accio broom!

Jumping Brooks is Jumping Off Bridges

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you? Of course you would.

Well one brave student is starting the trend. According to the Chicago Tribune a 22 year-old dove off the North Avenue pier and fell head-first into shallow water faster than a fat kid onto a fried twinkie. A few days later he died from serious injuries. The police believe his death was an accident.

He was walking on the pier with a girlfriend at 4:40 AM when he decided to take the plunge. So chalk up another death to drunk men doing stupid things to impress women.

To all you drunks out there who are trying to show off for girls after 3 in the morning, you don't look cool climbing that tree. You don't look cool doing a poorly executed hand-stand. You don't look cool jumping off a bridge. And you definitely don't look cool dead. So while you struggle to haul yourself up onto the Alma Mater, I'll be the one hanging back with the girls and laughing at you.

Now let's all jump on the band wagon and jump off bridges!

I Believe You Left Your Tool in my Colon

A Chicago Tribune story claims that a dentist is being sued for dropping tools down a patient's throat. The 90 year old patient swallowed the tools on two separate occassions, the second time resulting in death.

During the first incident, the man swallowed some kind of screwdriver or something. He then recieved a colonoscopy and the tool was removed from his intestines.

Now you would think after getting a camera shoved into his rectum and having a tool forcibly removed, the man would have looked for a new dentist.

But no, the patient went back to the same dentist, who again dropped a tool down the man's throat. The patient had to undergo surgery from which he never fully recovered and died.

Everyone knows dentists are sadists. I have survived a few murder attempts by these tooth-fetishizing exectutioners.

What's the difference between a dominatrix and a dentist? There's no joke there, I'm really asking.

WTF is Going on? 3rd edition

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, there was Jaws 2. So perhaps you considered moving as far away from fish as possible, like the Sahara desert. Bad news, fellow fish-haters.

NBC reports that the sandfish, a small critter that lives in the Sahara desert, is able to swim through the sand by undulating it's body.

Hehe, undulating bodies.

Now the sandfish is not technically a fish, but a small lizard about four inches long. Yeah right. The vampire fish isn't technically a vampire, but it will still try to bite your neck and suck the essence from your body.

Darwin needs to be stopped. Fish belong in the water, camels belong in the sand, and cows belong on my plate. Evolution is out of control! WTF?

You're Welcome, Mickey's

I've decided to create some advertisements for companies who I feel don't do enough to promote their products. This one is for Mickey's and is inspired by a drunk conversation with friends.

All I have to say is, you are welcome, Mickey's.

Love Kills, but Sex Saves

The BBC presented two stories of interest concerning the cost of love and the benefits of sex.

First, at an Italian Wedding, the bride requested that her bouquet be tossed out of a moving airplane to a line of waiting women. The bouquet was immediately sucked into the plane's engine, causing it to explode. The plane crashed into a hospital. Only one person was injured, and everyone else survived.

In the second story, Japan's love hotels, where couples can go for some "alone time", are apparently doing very well despite the economic situation. This has led investors to put money into the hotels, boosting the Japanese economy.

The moral of these two stories is that love is dangerous. Avoid it if at all possible. But sex can single-handedly save the economy. So get busy getting busy!

If history has taught us anything, it's that we can always count on sex to ensure the continuation of the species. Selling sex has been around since God made Adam and Steve... ehem, Eve. That's why they call prostitution the oldest profession.

So in order to fix this economy, follow Nike's advice and "Just Do It."

Pickle You, Kumquat!

You stub your toe. You get a papercut. You slip while shaving the downstairs region. Immediately and almost uncontrolably you cuss like Blagojevich trying to sell a Senate seat. Well, according to emerging research, swearing actually may help reduce pain.

It's cheaper than Vicodin, and almost as fun!

Next thing you know, hospital halls will be filled with profanity as the economic downturn will lead physicians to find cheaper means of pain relief. Kids will present doctor's notes to teachers allowing them to cuss in the middle of class.

And people with Tourette's will finally be accepted by society. Not only that, they will become valuable medical consultants.

But be careful. Swearing is addictive. Before you know it, you'll need to swear more and more just to get the same high. Case in point, just try to play Mario Kart with Veronica Steege.

You Owe Us More Than Money, California!

You know that guy who always hangs around and drinks your booze and generally mooches off you, claiming, "I'll pay you back, dude. You know I'm good for it."?

Well the state of California is taking a page directly out of that guy's Moocher Handbook. The state government is issuing IOU's to everyone from businesses to college students who are owed money by the state because California is essentially broke. The IOU's claim that the holder can exchange them in October with 3.75% interest.

It's time we let California fall into the sea. What has California done for you lately? Produced shows like The Hills? That show is like a cancer on our society's intelligence. Watch it and you'll feel your IQ drop like a texter down a New York City manhole.

The new 90210? Who even liked the old one?

And honestly when is the last time something really good came out of Hollywood? It's all been sequels and remakes for a long time. Nothing original.

Before California goes, we'll take back Conan. The rest of it, we'll kick like a bad habit.

Moocher friends gotta go, and moocher states are no exception. Unless they can pay us back with all that weed they've been hoarding.

Arrested for Sex? Who Hasn't Been There?

Who doesn't love noisy sex? Well whoever's not having it, that's who.

A woman in England has been arrested for being too loud during sex, according to the BBC. Last month she was given a court order banning her from making excessively loud noise anywhere in England after neighbors complained of her raucous love-making.

Well she just couldn't keep her mouth, or her legs, shut.

The police disregarded the "If the room's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'" sign on the door. The woman was fined, arrested, and now has a court date to plead her case. The tragedy is that this could have been prevented with a simple ball gag, or even a strategically placed pillow.

Her husband, Steve, the proudest man alive, now has enough points on his man-card to be ranked just a notch below the likes of Burt Reynolds and Steve Irwin.

Ladies, I have to advise that some guys do like a screamer in bed, but there is a limit. Usually you should take the hint the first time the cops knock on your door. If not, the court order should be another sign that maybe you need to tone it down.

More Zombies? Yes Please.

Four people have been charged with digging up graves to resell the plots at Chicago's Burr Oak Cemetery. They allegedly dug up quite a few graves, dismembered several bodies, and discarded the remains in an unused corner of the cemetery.

But you and I both know what really happened.

ZOMBIES!!!

The zombies have started rising from the dead. The government is just trying to cover it up by blaming these guys for digging up dead people.

The zombie apocalypse is coming. And with the recent string of celebrity deaths, the zombies are shoring up their numbers. We must be ready.

Those road signs that say "Zombies Ahead" must be taken seriously. We can't be making jokes anymore.

If we aren't careful Michael Jackson will be doing the moonwalk across the flesh of the living. Farah Fawcett will pose for the rising number of prepubescent boys with zombie fetishes. Ed McMahon will knock on doors and people will answer thinking he has a giant check only to find their faces being chewed off by a living corpse.

Although I really hope Oscar Mayer comes back from the dead. I loves me some hot dogs.

Death By Chocolate

The Philadelphia Inquirer says a temp worker at a chocolate processing plant died when he fell into a vat of melted chocolate.

Now that's a sweet way to die. Buh-dum-tshh!

Unfortunately, unlike Augustus Gloop, the Oompa Loompas couldn't save him. By the time the chocolate mixer was shut down, one of the giant paddles hit the man and the 120 degree chocolate had covered his lungs in a delightful chocolate coating.

The autopsy determined that the man died of asphyxiation. It was the most delicious autopsy ever, as the man had basically been turned into a human Snickers bar.

The family plans to cremate the body, mix it with some milk, and have a lovely after-funeral dessert.

My deepest sympathies to his loved ones.

Really Science? Really?

Scientists have created human sperm in a laboratory for the first time, according to BBC. The scientists took some embryos, derived stem cells, encouraged growth... blah blah blah, meiosis... blah blah blah, sperm took four to six weeks to grow.

Again scientists have shown the virtually limitless possibilities of useless crap that science is capable of. It only took four to six weeks to grow what takes any guy five minutes with a sock and the lingerie section of the Sears catalogue to make.

Also, isn't destroying an embryo to create sperm kinda like making a ham sandwich, licking off the mayonnaise, and throwing the rest away? It just seems like we're moving backwards. If all you want is the mayonnaise, why bother to make the sandwich?

Need I quote Jeff Goldblum again?

Taxi Cab Confessions That You'd Rather Not Hear

A Chicago Trib story caught my eye today. A woman has accused a cab driver of sexually abusing her. She claims the man brought her to a deserted road, then asked her to spit in his face and rub his chest. He then began to suck her toes and feet. Eventually he brought her to her destination.

Gross.

Don't knock it 'til you try it I guess...

Sometimes you end up in the Cash Cab, sometimes you get your toes sucked. Is it worth the risk?

The cab driver asked her if she wanted to go double or nothing on a video bonus fetish, but the woman decided to play it safe and walk away with moist feet.

M-I-C-K-E-Why Does God Let This Happen?

The Happiest Place on Earth just got a little sadder. The New York Times reports that two monorails collided at the Magic Kingdom of Disney World, killing one of the train operators.

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It was the first fatal crash in the monorail's 38 years of hauling screaming children to 2-minute rides with 4-hour lines.

That fact surprises me considering they will make anyone a monorail conductor. I was four years old and had no monorail training when Mickey gave me a monorail conductor's license.

Said Goofy, "This is the worst accident since someone thought it would be funny to put a real giant squid in the 20,000 Leages Under the Sea ride."

Donald Duck also commented on the accident, but who can tell what the hell he's saying?

The Sexiness of Murder-Threesomes

A local Fox station in Colorado opened a news report with this statement: "A three-way sex encounter ended in a bloody mess early Monday morning".

Is there any other way for a threesome to end?

Apparently a guy brought home another guy to have a threesome with his girlfriend. The two gentlemen (term loosely used (like the dude's girlfriend)) started to fight, and the girlfriend, in order to break up the fight, stabbed them both in their respective backs.

As we all know, the only way to break up a fight is to kill both fighters.

But the men did not die. Instead they drove to the hospital together and were treated for their wounds. So the would-be ménage à death had a happy ending (pun intended) after all. By giving the men a common enemy, the girlfriend brought them together, and everyone emerged a little wiser.

Especially the woman's son who was in the house during the incident. Let's see that kid try to have a normal, healthy relationship.

The moral of this story is BROS BEFORE HOES.

The Subliminal Messages of Walgreens

Today I went to Walgreens, and the more I walked around the store, the more I realized that the Walgreens itself was speaking to its customers. Not in the creepy Son of Sam I-hear-voices-everywhere-I-go type of speaking, but a more subtle yet no less suggestive way of conveying messages.

I will translate some of the Walgreens' hidden messages so that everyone can understand.

Walgreens: The candy isle is the skinniest isle in the store.

Message: If you can't fit down this isle you have no business being in it, fatty.

Walgreens: The soap isle is super wide and far back in the corner of the store.

Message: Hey smelly, stay as far away from everyone as possible.

Walgreens: The condoms are in the back next to glucose meters for diabetics.

Message: Have fun trying to get aroused after picking up condoms next to the old lady who looks like your Grandma. And while you're at it, enjoy the walk of shame up to the front of the store because the drunk bar ho you pick up tonight will probably be taking the walk tomorrow.

Walgreens: The gum and breath mints are right at the counter.

Message: Here's a back-up if you can't afford toothpaste. Or if you forgot it and you're too lazy to go back and get it.

Walgreens: Open 24-hours.

Message: For when you absolutely need the pill that kills the baby inside of you RIGHT NOW.

Walgreens: One-hour photo.

Message: You mean you don't have a digital camera? Then you can shuffle around the store for a while. Have fun playing with the kids' toys, dummy. At least it's technology you'll probably understand.

Stay tuned for more subliminal message translations.