New Ice Cream Flavors?

BBC News reports that police in West Yorkshire are being criticized for improperly labeling and storing DNA, blood, and urine samples in a freezer that they also use for ice cream.

That seems like an unfortunate midnight snack catastrophe waiting to happen. Who wants ice cream that has been stored next to criminal urine?

Although if it catches on, we could be looking at blood or even semen flavored ice cream in the future! And who doesn't love the taste of delicious frozen semen?

Ben & Jerry, I have to say if you're working on that flavor... stop.

The Sexiness of Lightbulbs

The Chicago Tribune reports that Obama, in addition to addressing other climate change concerns, has proposed legislation regarding lamps and lightbulbs. He is quoted as saying "I know light bulbs may not seem sexy, but this simple action holds enormous promise...".

Lightbulbs not sexy, Mr. President? Well I did some digging, and if this picture has anything to add to the discussion, I'd say Obama should do his research before he speaks.

Either lightbulbs are sexy, or this person needed some lighting to go with his or her colon's feng shui.

More Web-Ad Shenanigans

This time an ad for Nestea caught my eye while I was web-drifting. The ad for Green Tea proudly proclaimed "Like a punch in the mouth that feels good."

Who comes up with this garbage? I can imagine the meeting where they came up with ideas for new ads.

Ad writer 1: We need to compare our Green Tea to something enjoyable and pleasureable.

Writer 2: How about a punch in the mouth?

Writer 1: That doesn't sound very enjoyable.

Writer 2: No no, this would be like a punch in the mouth, but it feels good.

Writer 1: "Like a punch in the mouth that feels good." That's brilliant!

Writer 2: I've got some other ideas. We could say it's like a kick to the crotch...

Writer 1: Quit drilling, you've struck oil! Let's run it!

Any clown that comes off the street is apparently able to write advertisements for multi-million dollar corporations. How about this: "Like Hitler but kills thirst instead of Jews"? Eh?

You're right, I probably put too much effort into that ad. It would never work.

Jackson Dead? Not a Chance.

Today Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital after going through cardiac arrest. Early reports have stated that the King of Pop passed away at age 50.

While he may be dead, Jacko is certainly not gone. I predict that Jackson will become the Elvis of pop. People will speculate that he didn't die, but went home in the mother ship to be number 1 on Mars's Top 40. Little boys will claim that Jackson probed them in his spaceship.

Much like those who prefer young, thin Elvis to old, fat Elvis, everyone will have an opinion as to whether young, black Michael was better than old, white Michael.

Hordes of Jacko looke-alikes will come crawling out of the woodwork for Michael Conventions. Maybe Michael Jacks-con 2010 is just around the corner.

Jackson will be to pop what Tupac is to rap. It will be speculated that he faked his own death, and people will search for clues in his posthumous albums. His zombie corpse will be spotted performing "Thriller" at nightclubs everywhere.

Dead? I think not.

WTF is Going on? 2nd edition

I was surfing the intarwebz when I noticed an advertisement on the side of my page that dripped of wtf-iness. A picture of what I could only describe as a vampire fish caused me to turn my gaze faster than Perez Hilton's face after connecting with a crazed roadie's fist.

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Turns out, the fish is actually called a "vampire fish", and is featured on National Geographic's new show Hooked.

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Vampirism has become particularly fashionable after the recent popularity of Twilight and HBO's True Blood, among others. But now there is officially no safe place to hide from vampires. On land, Dracula; in the air, vampire bats; now in the water, vampire fish!

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I realize this is the second post in a row dealing with scary fish. I think the main idea that I want to convey is that a war between man and fish is coming. And with 70% of Earth covered in water, which is bound to increase with global warming, we are at a disadvantage.

The age of fish is coming if we don't act soon. In the prophetic words from the musical Hair, "This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius".

You Know What Would Make Great White Sharks Scarier?

They're big, fast, have rows of sharp teeth, and eat people. The only problem? They aren't scary enough.

Science to the rescue! Studiers of Great White Shark behavior have compared the hunting techniques of the vicious fish to those of human serial killers. Oh, science.

The sharks stalk their prey from out of sight, often returning to the same places to find their next kill and learning from past attempts.

An entire series of Jaws movies wasn't enough to keep people out of the ocean. We needed to group the animal with the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, and John Wayne Gacy.

In the wise words of the sagely Jeff Goldblum, "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."

If only we all stopped to listen to the wisdom of Jeff Goldblum...

The Future is Now... No Wait, Now... No Now...

Where do you like to go on vacation? Somewhere warm and sunny? Somewhere perfect for skiing and snowboarding? Somewhere off the planet?

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Well New Mexico has begun construction of the world's first commercial spaceport. That means space tourism, as well as commercial scientific endeavours, may soon be available to the public. Well, the rich public anyway.

Since the aliens have already crashed in New Mexico, I'd say a spaceport is long overdue. At least they will have a place to land. So long as they agree to stop probing our anals...

Pictures of the spaceport's proposed design look like something George Lucas would be proud of. (Picture above from BBC News)

At least movies like The Fifth Element and Back to the Future are starting to look more and more realistic in their portrayals of the future. I'm already pretty pissed that they haven't started on the flying cars yet.

I can't wait for my own X-Wing!

If Your Boyfriend Says He's Got Beef, Well Good. KFC Is Out of Chicken

The Chicago Tribune reports that KFC offered a free meal to customers, which was promoted on The Oprah Winfrey Show. The trouble was that demand was so high that the company had to scale back it's offer, allowing some people who had printed out the coupon to come to the restaurant for an IOU.

Two individuals took the only logical course of action. They sued KFC for not forking over the fowl, claiming false advertising, among other charges.

Some crass racists might make a joke about getting between people of a certain race and their fried chicken. But let's be honest, who doesn't love fried chicken? This does not concern one race, but the entire human race.

That is why I applaud the efforts of these heroes who realize that, although KFC has changed it's name from Kentucky Fried Chicken, the "C" still stands for CHICKEN!

Colonel Sanders, I await an apology... and reparations for the slaves... and biscuits.

Filthy Downloaders

Holy grossly excessive punitive damage awards, Batman! PCWorld reports that the RIAA has won a court case against a mother from Minnesota who uploaded 24 songs to the internet. The verdict is that the woman must pay $1.92 million in fines for committing this heinous crime

Why stop there, RIAA? Why not press for $2 billion, or $Schfourteen-teen gazillion, or all the tea in China? While we're living in this fantasy world, let's all ride our dragons and unicorns to the rivers of maple syrup that flow from the Jellybean mountains.

I'm glad to see we're cracking down on piracy. These people capture innocent civilians and hold them for ransom on the seas and... oh wait. They're not the same pirates? The mother never killed anyone? Never held anyone for ransom? She just let people listen to some music?

Close enough. Obama, send the snipers after her! $1.92 in fines is being too soft on this hardened criminal.

Zombie Pilot Lands Plane, Eats Brain

The Wall Street Journal reports that a Continental Airlines flight from Brussels to Newark landed safely after the pilot was pronounced clinically dead by a cardiologist on board the plane. Not only that, the flight landed early on a day when most flights were delayed by rain and fog.

There was no evidence that the pilot was suffering from zombie-ism, so there is no chance that he rose from the dead to land the plane.

Now I'm not so callous as to suggest that killing your pilot will ensure your flight will get you to Disneyworld on time. If you include court and jail time, I'm sure it would have quite the opposite effect. .

Nor am I suggesting that a pilot dying is in any way humorous. All I am suggesting is that airlines consider hiring dead pilots to land flights on time.

If a dead man can out-perform you at your job and you aren't doing work playing a cadaver on CSI, then you may want to reconsider your profession.

Obama Shows his Pimp Hand

In news that made me chuckle, the Associated Press reports that PETA is sending Barack Obama a humane fly-catching device after he swatted a fly during an interview for CNBC.

Seriously PETA?

Obama gave the fly fair warning, saying "Get out of here." When the fly failed to heed his warning, he pimp-slapped it with the lightning fast reflexes of a presidential ninja.

Some may claim that the fly cannot understand English and was therefore an innocent victim. I call BS. I can't speak to dogs, but if one growls at me I'm going to move in the opposite direction. I don't speak Parseltongue, but if a rattlesnake shakes it's ass I know I'll get hurt if I go near it. (Oddly, I take similar caution when human females shake their asses.)

The fly was picking a fight with our president, and was therefore picking a fight with America. The Japanese or the Taliban could have advised the fly on the consequences of its actions.

You mess with Obama, he's gonna bring the smackdown. Lesson learned.

The Chronic Debate

Rhode Island just became the third state in the union to legalize the sale of medical marijuana, joining California and New Mexico. In other news, jokes about Michael Phelps smoking pot suck, so stop it. Everyone does them, they aren't original. Stop.

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The wacky tobaccy is still illegal under federal law, but Obama's people say they won't interfere in stores that obey state law.

Sales of icky sticky in Rhode Island are still limited to the chronic-ally (get it?) ill. So if you're thinking of taking a trip to the itsy bitsy state just for the good stuff you may want to pick up cancer along the way.

So three down and 47 states to go, though it will likely take a long time before Americans can bust out the blunts and bongs in celebration. On the bright side, if you're high it'll seem like no time at all!

Until then, enjoy watching Planet Earth under your Bob Marley poster in your parents' basement while stuffing your face with Cool Ranch Doritos, you stereotype.

Too Late to 'Pologize

David Letterman recently apologized for his joke about Sarah Palin's daughter being knocked-up by A-Rod. He claimed the joke was aimed at her 18-year old daughter, but was taken to mean that it was addressed to her 14-year old daughter. He takes full responsibility for his words.

I think it's great that Letterman apologized, but in my opinion he apologized for the wrong reason. What he should have apologized for is the fact that his joke was about as funny as a clitoridectomy with a rusty butter knife.

If Letterman's long and successful career proves anything, it's that he is better than this and fully capable of writing hilarious material. But a comedian who tells jokes that aren't funny is like a supermodel who has no gag reflex. You can't be a supermodel without puking up your Funyons and you can't be a comedian without good jokes.

Then again Seinfeld has made a career out of being an unfunny comedian, so I could be wrong.

I'm a Conan fan anyway.

Send your hate mail to John Obler.

Is It Hot In Here or Is It Just Me? You're Right. It's Me.

Newscientist.com reports that a supervolcano may be forming under Mount St. Helens that could be capable of exploding harder than David Carradine's oxygen deprived death-orgasm.

Let me stop there for a moment and address some concerns that that joke may have caused. First, for those of you who cry "Too soon!", let me just say that you do not know David Carradine. Even if you did, he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation. There is nothing I can say that is any more offensive than that.

Second, some of you may ask "Why do most of your posts have to do with sexual innuendos and horrible apocolyptic news stories?". Let me answer that question with a question. Where is your psychology degree? Oh you don't have one? Interesting.

Scientists say that if Mount St. Helens erupts, it could spew enough ash into the atmosphere to cool the global climate by several degrees Celcius. Luckily we're still using Farenheit here in the U.S., so there's nothing to worry about.

However some speculate that the supervolcano could just be water and is relatively harmless. BORING. It's so much more entertaining when it rains fire and brings the world into global winter. I say bring on the Apocolypse.

WTF is Going On? 1st edition

In news that makes even scientists say "wtf?", National Geographic News reports that the star known as Betelgeuse has been shrinking in size. Scientists currently have no explanation for this. They also have no explanation for what happens when you say the name of the star 3 times.

Astronomers observed an unusual red spot on the star three years ago. Some believe that this spot has to do with Betelgeuse's stellar shrinkage.

I think it's pretty obvious what happened here. Betelgeuse got intimate with the misnamed constellation Virgo, actually the whore of the zodiac, and caught a severe case of cosmic herpes.

At only 8.5 million years old, the star is young in comparison to our 4.5 billion year old sun. Some scientists speculate that the star may be ready to explode, which may seem premature considering the star's relative youth, but I'd like to see you last 8.5 million years.

They're On A Boat

My cousins, Katie and Elizabeth McPhail, are spending their summer riding their Duroboat around the Great Loop, a journey that begins on Lake Michigan and winds along the Chicago River, eventually down the Mississippi, into the Gulf of Mexico, along the east coast of the U.S. and into Canada, then back through the Great Lakes to Chicago. They will be the first women ever to complete this trip.

Traditionally, having women on a boat has been seen as bad luck. The McPhail sisters intend to show that hard work and determination can overcome this handicap.

The two will also be braving the recent outbreak of pirates all over the globe. But they are confident that Hil-dawg Clinton will have their backs.

You may recognize the Duroboat brand from its brief appearance in the movie Free Willy. Hopefully the siblings will have better luck. They don't expect to see whales on the trip, but the occasional alligator or water moccasin may cause some trouble.

I may join them for a bit on the east coast, perhaps meeting them near DC and heading up to New York!

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