Must Be The Money

Recently, the Chicago Tribune broke the story that the University of Illinois has been accepting some students based on their financial prosperity, rather than the merits of their scholastic accomplishments. The Chancellor of the school found the need to send an e-mail of explanation to the students explaining the situation.

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I don't know why people are complaining. Ivy League schools do this all the time. How can we expect to be the Harvard of the Midwest if we have a bunch of smart poor people coming to our school? We need the economic elite! We need people who walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment and superiority if we ever expect to compete with schools of higher reputation!

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A school cannot live on the funds of alumni alone. And these same complainers whine about a bell tower being built on the south quad when Lincoln Hall or the English Building are falling apart. People, we clearly need a large phallic object to satisfy the huge, old, blown-out vagina that is the Undergrad Library!

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So quit your whining! Intelligence never got anybody anywhere. Money, on the other hand, buys moving sidewalks on the quad. Think about that.

Gonna Have You Naked By the End of This Blog

The New York Times reports that the Supreme Court has asked that the Third Appeals Court give "further consideration" to their overturning of the fines from the F.C.C. that resulted from Janet Jackson's exposed breast during the halftime performance with Justin Timberlake at the 2004 Super Bowl.

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The unexpected partial nudity lasted nine sixteenths of a second during halftime, but stayed in the mammary, ehem, memory of America more than the entire game.  Hey, some guys only need nine sixteenths of a second (right JohnO?  That's right, you got a shoutout on my blog).

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For God sakes, people, can't we just let the boobs go?  (Your "that's what she said" responses are duly noted.)  I mean damn America, haven't we milked this for long enough?  

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Is anyone even still offended by boobs?

High School Can Be Murder

The Chicago Tribune reports that producers of a remake of Nightmare on Elm Street are negotiating with Chicago school district 214 to do some filming at Elk Grove and John Hersey High School (my high school)!
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I can't think of a more perfect place for a horror movie to be filmed. High school is very much like a torture chamber, and my school certainly serves as a great example of suburban hell.
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It would be SO cool if Freddy killed someone in one of my former classrooms! If it is shot at Hersey, chances are good he'll be putting some unfortunate soul out of his misery.

Temptation Island, but Seriously No Means No

The Chicago Tribune reports that actor Henry Ian Cusick, better known as Desmond from Lost, is being sued along with ABC by a woman who claims she was sexually harassed, then fired when she reported the incident to her superiors.
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Here are some excuses that could possibly work for Desmond to get out of this.
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1) It was the black smoke monster.
2) Desmond needs to grab some boobs every 108 minutes or the world will end.
3) He's Scottish.
4) Desmond had a vision of the woman's death and grabbed her to prevent her from walking into traffic.
5) Desmond was traveling back in time from a moment in the future in which he and the woman are happily married. Not realizing that he was in the past, he started to... oh forget it, he's guilty.
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Really, ladies, if you were sexually harassed by Desmond, would you complain?

Sorry for the lack of posts, but my computer is broken again (surprise surprise). I'll post when I can.

If Ash Ketchum Lived in the Real World

Police apprehended Ash Ketchum, a self-declared “Pokemon Trainer” from Pallet Town, yesterday evening at approximately 6:00 PM. Ketchum has been indicted under charges of capturing and training Pokemon for fighting, as well as participating in an international Pokemon fighting ring. Ketchum was found in possession of six Pokemon at the time of his arrest, but it is believed that he has caught and trained several more Pokemon since becoming a trainer years ago.

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Officer Jenny of the Cerulean City police said, “It’s hard to believe anyone can be so cruel. These Pokemon are carried around in tiny Pokeballs without having enough room to move or even lie down. Then they are forced to fight for people’s amusement.”

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One eyewitness says that Ketchum admitted, as he was being dragged away, that he desired to, “Catch ‘em [the Pokemon] all”, and “To train them is [his] cause”.

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“It’s just sick”, says Officer Jenny. “We think we live in a civilized age, and things like this happen all the time.”

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Officer Jenny led efforts to collect Ketchum’s Pokemon and take them to a local shelter. It is hoped that these Pokemon may be retrained and that suitable families may be found to adopt them and give them a good home.

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Ketchum is currently being held without bail until his hearing on Saturday. He has declined to comment about the allegations against him.

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Police believe that Ketchum may be working under the direction of mob boss Oak, also known as the “Pokemon Prof.”. It has been alleged that Ketchum may have been supplying Oak with Pokemon over the web, using a program known as Bill’s PC. Whether or not this will be brought to light in the upcoming trial remains to be seen.

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Ketchum’s partners in crime, Misty and Brock, are both former leaders of gyms where these Pokemon fights took place. They remain at large.

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Officer Jenny advises anyone with knowledge of the whereabouts of these two criminals to contact local police immediately.

Pain in the Butt? Not Any More.

Consider your ass saved!
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WebMD reports that a new prostate cancer vaccine called Provenge has met its goal, increasing the survival rate of prostate cancer patients who weren't responding to other forms of treatment.
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In the fight against butt cancer, this smells like a success! Now if only they would get to work on a more dignified way of testing for prostate cancer than getting a finger in the pooper.
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We wonder why the aliens come and probe anals on Earth, but clearly we haven't even figured out our own asses. It's no wonder the human rectum is so baffling to outer space visitors.

Also, in the process of looking up this story, I came across one of the funniest and most horrifying medical diagrams I've ever seen. Enjoy:

Zomb-tronic Apocolypse

Scientific American reports that scientist have genetically engineered a virus that can be used to assemble batteries. The virus only infects bacteria and is not harmful to humans... yet.
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Clearly these scientists have never seen the movie I Am Legend. Once the virus mutates and goes airborne, it will most likely spread to all machines that use batteries. This will cause an outbreak of zombie electronics that will rise up and force the few surviving humans to live in enclosed shelters and seal themselves inside after dark.
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My advice, should this occur, is to stay away from Radio Shack and Brookstone (don't trust the massage chair, it won't be a 'nice' touch). Also, being Will Smith helps.