Magic Luck Bird Makes Baseball Tolerable

In terms of sports that are fun to watch, baseball ranks somewhere above Chess and somewhere below Paper Sailboat races.  But you know what can make baseball interesting?  Live flying monster beasts blazing out of the sky granting wishes to the home team.

Well guess what happened Easter Sunday, sports fans.  Exactly that.

Some said it was a red-tailed hawk, some said it was a peregrine falcon that fired down from the roof of Miller Park during the Brewers game.  The bird-creature took a chomp on a pigeon on the way down, most likely just for the hell of it, then landed on the grass about 50 feet from the right fielder.

And there it sat with the kind of couldn't-give-a-good-god-damn attitude that bordered on James-Dean-after-a-blunt levels.  Excessive hyphens?  You bet I just did that.

He sat there throughout a three run Milwaukee rally with celebratory fireworks, looking bored by the whole thing.  Then it decided Milwaukee was unworthy of its luck-bringing demon powers and took off, presumably to go place a few bets at the track and bang some super models.

If you could guarantee that the magic luck bird would show up to sporting events, I'd actually watch games.  If that ornithic beast were a Pokemon, it would be a Chansey and a Moltres combined, and you wouldn't be able to catch it because it would eat your pokeballs and poop out nightmares.

Perhaps one day the bird shall return and fulfill the prophecy.  You know the one I'm talking about.  Yeah, that prophecy.

Like it on Facebook.

If Ash Ketchum Lived in the Real World

Police apprehended Ash Ketchum, a self-declared “Pokemon Trainer” from Pallet Town, yesterday evening at approximately 6:00 PM. Ketchum has been indicted under charges of capturing and training Pokemon for fighting, as well as participating in an international Pokemon fighting ring. Ketchum was found in possession of six Pokemon at the time of his arrest, but it is believed that he has caught and trained several more Pokemon since becoming a trainer years ago.

.

Officer Jenny of the Cerulean City police said, “It’s hard to believe anyone can be so cruel. These Pokemon are carried around in tiny Pokeballs without having enough room to move or even lie down. Then they are forced to fight for people’s amusement.”

.

One eyewitness says that Ketchum admitted, as he was being dragged away, that he desired to, “Catch ‘em [the Pokemon] all”, and “To train them is [his] cause”.

.

“It’s just sick”, says Officer Jenny. “We think we live in a civilized age, and things like this happen all the time.”

.

Officer Jenny led efforts to collect Ketchum’s Pokemon and take them to a local shelter. It is hoped that these Pokemon may be retrained and that suitable families may be found to adopt them and give them a good home.

.

Ketchum is currently being held without bail until his hearing on Saturday. He has declined to comment about the allegations against him.

.

Police believe that Ketchum may be working under the direction of mob boss Oak, also known as the “Pokemon Prof.”. It has been alleged that Ketchum may have been supplying Oak with Pokemon over the web, using a program known as Bill’s PC. Whether or not this will be brought to light in the upcoming trial remains to be seen.

.

Ketchum’s partners in crime, Misty and Brock, are both former leaders of gyms where these Pokemon fights took place. They remain at large.

.

Officer Jenny advises anyone with knowledge of the whereabouts of these two criminals to contact local police immediately.