WTF is Going on? 2nd edition

I was surfing the intarwebz when I noticed an advertisement on the side of my page that dripped of wtf-iness. A picture of what I could only describe as a vampire fish caused me to turn my gaze faster than Perez Hilton's face after connecting with a crazed roadie's fist.

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Turns out, the fish is actually called a "vampire fish", and is featured on National Geographic's new show Hooked.

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Vampirism has become particularly fashionable after the recent popularity of Twilight and HBO's True Blood, among others. But now there is officially no safe place to hide from vampires. On land, Dracula; in the air, vampire bats; now in the water, vampire fish!

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I realize this is the second post in a row dealing with scary fish. I think the main idea that I want to convey is that a war between man and fish is coming. And with 70% of Earth covered in water, which is bound to increase with global warming, we are at a disadvantage.

The age of fish is coming if we don't act soon. In the prophetic words from the musical Hair, "This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius".

You Know What Would Make Great White Sharks Scarier?

They're big, fast, have rows of sharp teeth, and eat people. The only problem? They aren't scary enough.

Science to the rescue! Studiers of Great White Shark behavior have compared the hunting techniques of the vicious fish to those of human serial killers. Oh, science.

The sharks stalk their prey from out of sight, often returning to the same places to find their next kill and learning from past attempts.

An entire series of Jaws movies wasn't enough to keep people out of the ocean. We needed to group the animal with the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, and John Wayne Gacy.

In the wise words of the sagely Jeff Goldblum, "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."

If only we all stopped to listen to the wisdom of Jeff Goldblum...

The Future is Now... No Wait, Now... No Now...

Where do you like to go on vacation? Somewhere warm and sunny? Somewhere perfect for skiing and snowboarding? Somewhere off the planet?

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Well New Mexico has begun construction of the world's first commercial spaceport. That means space tourism, as well as commercial scientific endeavours, may soon be available to the public. Well, the rich public anyway.

Since the aliens have already crashed in New Mexico, I'd say a spaceport is long overdue. At least they will have a place to land. So long as they agree to stop probing our anals...

Pictures of the spaceport's proposed design look like something George Lucas would be proud of. (Picture above from BBC News)

At least movies like The Fifth Element and Back to the Future are starting to look more and more realistic in their portrayals of the future. I'm already pretty pissed that they haven't started on the flying cars yet.

I can't wait for my own X-Wing!

If Your Boyfriend Says He's Got Beef, Well Good. KFC Is Out of Chicken

The Chicago Tribune reports that KFC offered a free meal to customers, which was promoted on The Oprah Winfrey Show. The trouble was that demand was so high that the company had to scale back it's offer, allowing some people who had printed out the coupon to come to the restaurant for an IOU.

Two individuals took the only logical course of action. They sued KFC for not forking over the fowl, claiming false advertising, among other charges.

Some crass racists might make a joke about getting between people of a certain race and their fried chicken. But let's be honest, who doesn't love fried chicken? This does not concern one race, but the entire human race.

That is why I applaud the efforts of these heroes who realize that, although KFC has changed it's name from Kentucky Fried Chicken, the "C" still stands for CHICKEN!

Colonel Sanders, I await an apology... and reparations for the slaves... and biscuits.

Filthy Downloaders

Holy grossly excessive punitive damage awards, Batman! PCWorld reports that the RIAA has won a court case against a mother from Minnesota who uploaded 24 songs to the internet. The verdict is that the woman must pay $1.92 million in fines for committing this heinous crime

Why stop there, RIAA? Why not press for $2 billion, or $Schfourteen-teen gazillion, or all the tea in China? While we're living in this fantasy world, let's all ride our dragons and unicorns to the rivers of maple syrup that flow from the Jellybean mountains.

I'm glad to see we're cracking down on piracy. These people capture innocent civilians and hold them for ransom on the seas and... oh wait. They're not the same pirates? The mother never killed anyone? Never held anyone for ransom? She just let people listen to some music?

Close enough. Obama, send the snipers after her! $1.92 in fines is being too soft on this hardened criminal.

Zombie Pilot Lands Plane, Eats Brain

The Wall Street Journal reports that a Continental Airlines flight from Brussels to Newark landed safely after the pilot was pronounced clinically dead by a cardiologist on board the plane. Not only that, the flight landed early on a day when most flights were delayed by rain and fog.

There was no evidence that the pilot was suffering from zombie-ism, so there is no chance that he rose from the dead to land the plane.

Now I'm not so callous as to suggest that killing your pilot will ensure your flight will get you to Disneyworld on time. If you include court and jail time, I'm sure it would have quite the opposite effect. .

Nor am I suggesting that a pilot dying is in any way humorous. All I am suggesting is that airlines consider hiring dead pilots to land flights on time.

If a dead man can out-perform you at your job and you aren't doing work playing a cadaver on CSI, then you may want to reconsider your profession.

Obama Shows his Pimp Hand

In news that made me chuckle, the Associated Press reports that PETA is sending Barack Obama a humane fly-catching device after he swatted a fly during an interview for CNBC.

Seriously PETA?

Obama gave the fly fair warning, saying "Get out of here." When the fly failed to heed his warning, he pimp-slapped it with the lightning fast reflexes of a presidential ninja.

Some may claim that the fly cannot understand English and was therefore an innocent victim. I call BS. I can't speak to dogs, but if one growls at me I'm going to move in the opposite direction. I don't speak Parseltongue, but if a rattlesnake shakes it's ass I know I'll get hurt if I go near it. (Oddly, I take similar caution when human females shake their asses.)

The fly was picking a fight with our president, and was therefore picking a fight with America. The Japanese or the Taliban could have advised the fly on the consequences of its actions.

You mess with Obama, he's gonna bring the smackdown. Lesson learned.