The Chronic Debate

Rhode Island just became the third state in the union to legalize the sale of medical marijuana, joining California and New Mexico. In other news, jokes about Michael Phelps smoking pot suck, so stop it. Everyone does them, they aren't original. Stop.

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The wacky tobaccy is still illegal under federal law, but Obama's people say they won't interfere in stores that obey state law.

Sales of icky sticky in Rhode Island are still limited to the chronic-ally (get it?) ill. So if you're thinking of taking a trip to the itsy bitsy state just for the good stuff you may want to pick up cancer along the way.

So three down and 47 states to go, though it will likely take a long time before Americans can bust out the blunts and bongs in celebration. On the bright side, if you're high it'll seem like no time at all!

Until then, enjoy watching Planet Earth under your Bob Marley poster in your parents' basement while stuffing your face with Cool Ranch Doritos, you stereotype.

Too Late to 'Pologize

David Letterman recently apologized for his joke about Sarah Palin's daughter being knocked-up by A-Rod. He claimed the joke was aimed at her 18-year old daughter, but was taken to mean that it was addressed to her 14-year old daughter. He takes full responsibility for his words.

I think it's great that Letterman apologized, but in my opinion he apologized for the wrong reason. What he should have apologized for is the fact that his joke was about as funny as a clitoridectomy with a rusty butter knife.

If Letterman's long and successful career proves anything, it's that he is better than this and fully capable of writing hilarious material. But a comedian who tells jokes that aren't funny is like a supermodel who has no gag reflex. You can't be a supermodel without puking up your Funyons and you can't be a comedian without good jokes.

Then again Seinfeld has made a career out of being an unfunny comedian, so I could be wrong.

I'm a Conan fan anyway.

Send your hate mail to John Obler.

Is It Hot In Here or Is It Just Me? You're Right. It's Me.

Newscientist.com reports that a supervolcano may be forming under Mount St. Helens that could be capable of exploding harder than David Carradine's oxygen deprived death-orgasm.

Let me stop there for a moment and address some concerns that that joke may have caused. First, for those of you who cry "Too soon!", let me just say that you do not know David Carradine. Even if you did, he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation. There is nothing I can say that is any more offensive than that.

Second, some of you may ask "Why do most of your posts have to do with sexual innuendos and horrible apocolyptic news stories?". Let me answer that question with a question. Where is your psychology degree? Oh you don't have one? Interesting.

Scientists say that if Mount St. Helens erupts, it could spew enough ash into the atmosphere to cool the global climate by several degrees Celcius. Luckily we're still using Farenheit here in the U.S., so there's nothing to worry about.

However some speculate that the supervolcano could just be water and is relatively harmless. BORING. It's so much more entertaining when it rains fire and brings the world into global winter. I say bring on the Apocolypse.

WTF is Going On? 1st edition

In news that makes even scientists say "wtf?", National Geographic News reports that the star known as Betelgeuse has been shrinking in size. Scientists currently have no explanation for this. They also have no explanation for what happens when you say the name of the star 3 times.

Astronomers observed an unusual red spot on the star three years ago. Some believe that this spot has to do with Betelgeuse's stellar shrinkage.

I think it's pretty obvious what happened here. Betelgeuse got intimate with the misnamed constellation Virgo, actually the whore of the zodiac, and caught a severe case of cosmic herpes.

At only 8.5 million years old, the star is young in comparison to our 4.5 billion year old sun. Some scientists speculate that the star may be ready to explode, which may seem premature considering the star's relative youth, but I'd like to see you last 8.5 million years.

They're On A Boat

My cousins, Katie and Elizabeth McPhail, are spending their summer riding their Duroboat around the Great Loop, a journey that begins on Lake Michigan and winds along the Chicago River, eventually down the Mississippi, into the Gulf of Mexico, along the east coast of the U.S. and into Canada, then back through the Great Lakes to Chicago. They will be the first women ever to complete this trip.

Traditionally, having women on a boat has been seen as bad luck. The McPhail sisters intend to show that hard work and determination can overcome this handicap.

The two will also be braving the recent outbreak of pirates all over the globe. But they are confident that Hil-dawg Clinton will have their backs.

You may recognize the Duroboat brand from its brief appearance in the movie Free Willy. Hopefully the siblings will have better luck. They don't expect to see whales on the trip, but the occasional alligator or water moccasin may cause some trouble.

I may join them for a bit on the east coast, perhaps meeting them near DC and heading up to New York!

You can follow the McPhails on YouTube, Facebook, or Twitter.

Must Be The Money

Recently, the Chicago Tribune broke the story that the University of Illinois has been accepting some students based on their financial prosperity, rather than the merits of their scholastic accomplishments. The Chancellor of the school found the need to send an e-mail of explanation to the students explaining the situation.

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I don't know why people are complaining. Ivy League schools do this all the time. How can we expect to be the Harvard of the Midwest if we have a bunch of smart poor people coming to our school? We need the economic elite! We need people who walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment and superiority if we ever expect to compete with schools of higher reputation!

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A school cannot live on the funds of alumni alone. And these same complainers whine about a bell tower being built on the south quad when Lincoln Hall or the English Building are falling apart. People, we clearly need a large phallic object to satisfy the huge, old, blown-out vagina that is the Undergrad Library!

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So quit your whining! Intelligence never got anybody anywhere. Money, on the other hand, buys moving sidewalks on the quad. Think about that.

Gonna Have You Naked By the End of This Blog

The New York Times reports that the Supreme Court has asked that the Third Appeals Court give "further consideration" to their overturning of the fines from the F.C.C. that resulted from Janet Jackson's exposed breast during the halftime performance with Justin Timberlake at the 2004 Super Bowl.

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The unexpected partial nudity lasted nine sixteenths of a second during halftime, but stayed in the mammary, ehem, memory of America more than the entire game.  Hey, some guys only need nine sixteenths of a second (right JohnO?  That's right, you got a shoutout on my blog).

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For God sakes, people, can't we just let the boobs go?  (Your "that's what she said" responses are duly noted.)  I mean damn America, haven't we milked this for long enough?  

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Is anyone even still offended by boobs?