More Zombies? Yes Please.

Four people have been charged with digging up graves to resell the plots at Chicago's Burr Oak Cemetery. They allegedly dug up quite a few graves, dismembered several bodies, and discarded the remains in an unused corner of the cemetery.

But you and I both know what really happened.

ZOMBIES!!!

The zombies have started rising from the dead. The government is just trying to cover it up by blaming these guys for digging up dead people.

The zombie apocalypse is coming. And with the recent string of celebrity deaths, the zombies are shoring up their numbers. We must be ready.

Those road signs that say "Zombies Ahead" must be taken seriously. We can't be making jokes anymore.

If we aren't careful Michael Jackson will be doing the moonwalk across the flesh of the living. Farah Fawcett will pose for the rising number of prepubescent boys with zombie fetishes. Ed McMahon will knock on doors and people will answer thinking he has a giant check only to find their faces being chewed off by a living corpse.

Although I really hope Oscar Mayer comes back from the dead. I loves me some hot dogs.

Death By Chocolate

The Philadelphia Inquirer says a temp worker at a chocolate processing plant died when he fell into a vat of melted chocolate.

Now that's a sweet way to die. Buh-dum-tshh!

Unfortunately, unlike Augustus Gloop, the Oompa Loompas couldn't save him. By the time the chocolate mixer was shut down, one of the giant paddles hit the man and the 120 degree chocolate had covered his lungs in a delightful chocolate coating.

The autopsy determined that the man died of asphyxiation. It was the most delicious autopsy ever, as the man had basically been turned into a human Snickers bar.

The family plans to cremate the body, mix it with some milk, and have a lovely after-funeral dessert.

My deepest sympathies to his loved ones.

Really Science? Really?

Scientists have created human sperm in a laboratory for the first time, according to BBC. The scientists took some embryos, derived stem cells, encouraged growth... blah blah blah, meiosis... blah blah blah, sperm took four to six weeks to grow.

Again scientists have shown the virtually limitless possibilities of useless crap that science is capable of. It only took four to six weeks to grow what takes any guy five minutes with a sock and the lingerie section of the Sears catalogue to make.

Also, isn't destroying an embryo to create sperm kinda like making a ham sandwich, licking off the mayonnaise, and throwing the rest away? It just seems like we're moving backwards. If all you want is the mayonnaise, why bother to make the sandwich?

Need I quote Jeff Goldblum again?

Taxi Cab Confessions That You'd Rather Not Hear

A Chicago Trib story caught my eye today. A woman has accused a cab driver of sexually abusing her. She claims the man brought her to a deserted road, then asked her to spit in his face and rub his chest. He then began to suck her toes and feet. Eventually he brought her to her destination.

Gross.

Don't knock it 'til you try it I guess...

Sometimes you end up in the Cash Cab, sometimes you get your toes sucked. Is it worth the risk?

The cab driver asked her if she wanted to go double or nothing on a video bonus fetish, but the woman decided to play it safe and walk away with moist feet.

M-I-C-K-E-Why Does God Let This Happen?

The Happiest Place on Earth just got a little sadder. The New York Times reports that two monorails collided at the Magic Kingdom of Disney World, killing one of the train operators.

.

It was the first fatal crash in the monorail's 38 years of hauling screaming children to 2-minute rides with 4-hour lines.

That fact surprises me considering they will make anyone a monorail conductor. I was four years old and had no monorail training when Mickey gave me a monorail conductor's license.

Said Goofy, "This is the worst accident since someone thought it would be funny to put a real giant squid in the 20,000 Leages Under the Sea ride."

Donald Duck also commented on the accident, but who can tell what the hell he's saying?

The Sexiness of Murder-Threesomes

A local Fox station in Colorado opened a news report with this statement: "A three-way sex encounter ended in a bloody mess early Monday morning".

Is there any other way for a threesome to end?

Apparently a guy brought home another guy to have a threesome with his girlfriend. The two gentlemen (term loosely used (like the dude's girlfriend)) started to fight, and the girlfriend, in order to break up the fight, stabbed them both in their respective backs.

As we all know, the only way to break up a fight is to kill both fighters.

But the men did not die. Instead they drove to the hospital together and were treated for their wounds. So the would-be ménage à death had a happy ending (pun intended) after all. By giving the men a common enemy, the girlfriend brought them together, and everyone emerged a little wiser.

Especially the woman's son who was in the house during the incident. Let's see that kid try to have a normal, healthy relationship.

The moral of this story is BROS BEFORE HOES.

The Subliminal Messages of Walgreens

Today I went to Walgreens, and the more I walked around the store, the more I realized that the Walgreens itself was speaking to its customers. Not in the creepy Son of Sam I-hear-voices-everywhere-I-go type of speaking, but a more subtle yet no less suggestive way of conveying messages.

I will translate some of the Walgreens' hidden messages so that everyone can understand.

Walgreens: The candy isle is the skinniest isle in the store.

Message: If you can't fit down this isle you have no business being in it, fatty.

Walgreens: The soap isle is super wide and far back in the corner of the store.

Message: Hey smelly, stay as far away from everyone as possible.

Walgreens: The condoms are in the back next to glucose meters for diabetics.

Message: Have fun trying to get aroused after picking up condoms next to the old lady who looks like your Grandma. And while you're at it, enjoy the walk of shame up to the front of the store because the drunk bar ho you pick up tonight will probably be taking the walk tomorrow.

Walgreens: The gum and breath mints are right at the counter.

Message: Here's a back-up if you can't afford toothpaste. Or if you forgot it and you're too lazy to go back and get it.

Walgreens: Open 24-hours.

Message: For when you absolutely need the pill that kills the baby inside of you RIGHT NOW.

Walgreens: One-hour photo.

Message: You mean you don't have a digital camera? Then you can shuffle around the store for a while. Have fun playing with the kids' toys, dummy. At least it's technology you'll probably understand.

Stay tuned for more subliminal message translations.