Last-Minute Costume Ideas

It’s Halloween.  And since I assume this blog’s main demographic is made up of children under the age of twelve, you’re probably going Trick-Or-Treating tonight.  “But oh noes!” you might be saying.  “I forgetted to make teh costumezz!”

Well first of all, learn English.  You sound like a cat meme.  Next, follow my simple guide to creative, last-minute costume ideas.

Something like this.

- Tons of people are going as Steve Jobs because it’s topical.  These too-sooners are a bunch of insensitive jerks.  Instead, you should go as the Cancer that killed Steve Jobs.  Here’s what you’ll need:  a pack of pink balloons (these will be the cancer cells), some tubing, and some tape. 

Take the balloons and tape them all over your body.  Then, affix one end of the tubing to each of the mouthpieces on the balloons, and put the other end to your mouth.  Then, whenever you are feeling particularly malignant in the night, blow into the tubes.  Surprise!  You’re a budding baby tumor.  If you feel especially infectious, find someone dressed as Steve Jobs and spread to his lymph nodes.

Tragically hilarious.

- If you want a costume that’s topical and simple to make, try this one.  Go to your favorite grocery store and pick up some turkey.  You can settle for lunch meat, but turkey on the bone is probably better.  Next rip apart the turkey and spread it haphazardly all over your body.  Now take a look in the mirror and see your awesome Turkey After An Earthquake costume.

- Let’s say you actually have friends (because you’re not a horribly offensive douche) and you just want to dress up with them as something moderately annoying instead of soul-crushing.  Well, this is simple.  Grab two of your friends, three white t-shirts, a dictionary, and a Sharpie.

In Sharpie, write down the word “there” on one shirt, “their” on another, and “they’re” on the third.  Look up the definition of each and supply it to the respective word.  Then head out for the night.  Try to look as pompous and arrogant as possible.  Then, whenever you are talking to someone and they use some form of “there” in conversation, interrupt them and tell them they are using the wrong word and they should consult your shirts.

Hope this helps.  Happy Halloween.

Brilliant Idea: Barstucks

Sometimes you have an idea so good you just have to share it before it slips away.  This is one of those ideas.

My idea is to open a chain of bars called Barstucks Coffee.  They will look like Starbucks Coffee in every way, except the sign says "Barstucks Coffee".  You may be thinking, "Hey Mike, won't people get confused and end up walking into your bar looking for coffee?"  Shut up right now and stop interrupting my blog with your stupid thoughts.

Yes, people will walk into my bars by mistake.  That's part of the point.  They will walk in and ask for a tall chai mocha latte, and the bartender will say, "We don't serve coffee."  But the customers won't be upset once they find out they don't have to deal with the whiny, douchey, better-than-you cumstains who work at Starbucks and they can get a trenta of vodka.  And you can get it in a to-go cup!

Now, you may be thinking, "Won't to-go cups of alcohol encourage drunk driving?"  I thought I told you to shut up.  Interrupt my blog with your thoughts one more time and see what happens.

The cups won't encourage drunk driving because the bartender will write "Don't drink and drive" on each cup in Sharpie.  And once you accept something written in Sharpie, you have to accept it as law.  It's called "Sharpie Law".

Barstucks Coffee may infringe on some copyrights and trademarks, may include false advertising, and may increase alcoholism.  But is it that much worse than elitist snobs correcting you when you order a small, medium, or large and having a bunch of caffeine-crazed drivers road-raging to work every morning?


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