10 Step Guide to Responsible Drinking

Alcohol companies always tell you to drink responsibly.  But what does it even mean to drink responsibly?  Seems like an oxymoron, right?  Well your mom is an oxymoron.  So here is a step by step guide to drinking responsibly.

1.  Climbing on things isn't a good idea.  It's a great idea. Trees, streetlights, statues, buildings, whatever.  Especially because it's attractive to women.  It goes back to the days when we were all monkeys.  Guy monkey would climb a tree, and girl monkey would be all like, "Damn, I want a piece of that monkey butt".  Same principle applies today.

Ladies?

2.  Drink lots of water.  This is good advice because water tastes great with alcohol.

3.  Don't start fights.  Finish them.  Your drunk-ness will give you Hulk-like strength, perfect for bringing any conflict to a speedy conclusion.

It'll make you green at least.

4.  Program the cab company's number into your phone.  This will provide you the opportunity to make some especially hilarious drunk dials when you forget that you are talking to a burly cab driver and not your ex.

5.  Don't break the seal.  Clubbing seals is illegal, and if you break one you could get in serious trouble.

6.  Don't drink alone.  If you pass out, your face isn't going to draw penises on itself.

7.  Pace yourself.  Drinking is a marathon, which is why a Kenyan will always beat you at it, no matter how much you try.

8.  Cover your drink.  The only purpose this serves is to keep flavor in, so it's not that important.

9.  Remember the rhyme "Beer then liquor, you're made out of wicker.  Liquor then beer... well that's good, too."  It's fun to say.

10.  Above all, don't talk to police.  They prefer to be yelled at, and it's best if you use violent hand gestures to get their attention.

Also, give them bones.
They love it.

Hope this helps.  Now go out there and get you some harmless, legal alcohol.  Drink responsibly.  And sorry about calling your mom an oxymoron.



Like it on Facebook.