10 Step Guide to Responsible Drinking

Alcohol companies always tell you to drink responsibly.  But what does it even mean to drink responsibly?  Seems like an oxymoron, right?  Well your mom is an oxymoron.  So here is a step by step guide to drinking responsibly.

1.  Climbing on things isn't a good idea.  It's a great idea. Trees, streetlights, statues, buildings, whatever.  Especially because it's attractive to women.  It goes back to the days when we were all monkeys.  Guy monkey would climb a tree, and girl monkey would be all like, "Damn, I want a piece of that monkey butt".  Same principle applies today.

Ladies?

2.  Drink lots of water.  This is good advice because water tastes great with alcohol.

3.  Don't start fights.  Finish them.  Your drunk-ness will give you Hulk-like strength, perfect for bringing any conflict to a speedy conclusion.

It'll make you green at least.

4.  Program the cab company's number into your phone.  This will provide you the opportunity to make some especially hilarious drunk dials when you forget that you are talking to a burly cab driver and not your ex.

5.  Don't break the seal.  Clubbing seals is illegal, and if you break one you could get in serious trouble.

6.  Don't drink alone.  If you pass out, your face isn't going to draw penises on itself.

7.  Pace yourself.  Drinking is a marathon, which is why a Kenyan will always beat you at it, no matter how much you try.

8.  Cover your drink.  The only purpose this serves is to keep flavor in, so it's not that important.

9.  Remember the rhyme "Beer then liquor, you're made out of wicker.  Liquor then beer... well that's good, too."  It's fun to say.

10.  Above all, don't talk to police.  They prefer to be yelled at, and it's best if you use violent hand gestures to get their attention.

Also, give them bones.
They love it.

Hope this helps.  Now go out there and get you some harmless, legal alcohol.  Drink responsibly.  And sorry about calling your mom an oxymoron.



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Making Fun of Silly Hats

I am amazed at how the media managed to get people to care about the royal wedding.  But I am even more amazed by pictures of the outrageous hats that attended the wedding.  So I've taken it upon myself to make fun of some of my favorites.  Here we go.


This person looks like she is crafted entirely out of wicker.  And like wicker, I’m guessing she’s very pretty to look at and very noisy when you sit on her.

This picture is deceptive because she’s wearing the hat right-side up.  The hat is so baller that it turns the rest of the world upside down.

Oh look, the black smoke monster from Lost showed up and attacked m’lady’s head.

Remember in The Brave Little Toaster when the giant electromagnet came to kill everyone?

The hat is actually normal sized, her head is just extremely tiny. 

“Here’s what I’m thinking.  We are going to turn your head into a battleaxe.  Brilliant?  Thought so.”

Captured on film:  the exact moment that Fawkes the Phoenix exploded in a cloud of ash to be reborn.

The barbed wire keeps the foreigners out of her hat.

Anakin Skywalker wouldn’t stand a chance in a pod race against that.

“Just  because I’m dressed like a river doesn’t mean you can park your canoe on my head."

This is what happens when even your brain is trying to escape your ridiculous headwear.

So PETA has no problem with wearing slugs on your head?

She is required to stand in front of railroad crossings to stop pedestrians.

Behold!  The Kraken!

“I murdered that purple dinosaur and wore his entrails upon my head as a crown.  I felt nothing.”