The End Just Got Nigher

Well ladies and gents, it's a new year and we're one step closer to the Apocalypse.  2012 is coming, and if the Mayan's were good for anything (were they?) it's doomsday prophesies.  Okay, maybe they dropped the ball on predicting their own demise, but let's look at the facts.

Thousands of birds and fish, and now crabs apparently (the water kind, not the pube kind), have died en masse in the U.S., Sweden, Brazil, New Zealand, and Britain.  Scientists say it can be the result of global warming, waste dumping, disease, or in the case of the birds who dropped dead on New Years Eve confusion and fear  over fireworks.

But what's more likely, those perfectly logical scientific explanations, or the end of days?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.

2010 saw a huge influx of high profile UFO sightings, including ones that shut down Chinese airports and produced weird lights and formations over Texas.  Aliens, or angels of death heralding the Rapture?  Californians reported seeing a possible missile launch off the west coast.  The government's response:  "Um...  I dunno.  A cloud I guess?"

Come on, government.  People, can we really trust a group where one of the most powerful people weeps openly all the time.  Like, all the time.  Look up "John Boehner crying".  There's 4000 more results on Google than "John Boehner not crying".  Also his name is pronounced "Bay-ner", not the way it looks like it should be pronounced.  You would think getting called "Boner" his whole life would toughen him up.

No, we can't trust the government.  We can't trust science.  All we can trust is that, come 2012, we're all checking out.  The last step?  Zombies.  Yeah.  Get ready for that.




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"DA Sears!" or "Whatchoo Talkin' 'bout Willis?"

The Sears Tower is to be renamed the "Willis Tower" after Willis Group Holdings moves in. This change has many Chicagoans up in arms. God (I mean Mike) forbid one commercial brand name be replaced by another. We all know it's just about who has the biggest phallus anyway. Thank you Freud.

Rumor has it that the largest building this side of the prime meridian will also be painted silver. I firmly believe this is an effort to create a deadly weapon that will reflect the sun's rays and fire a heat ray capable of wiping entire cities from the map. The only thing missing is the addition of Sauron's eye at the top of the tower. But in this economy, you work with what you've got.