Bump-Bump-Bump-Bumpit™ Up!

It's easy to blame MTV's The Jersey Shore for a lot of things. Racism, stupidity, sexism, abs. But perhaps most unforgivable of transgressions is the popularization of the Bumpit™.

No, the Bumpit™ is not a kinky sex move. It's a glorified hair band that makes it look like there's a giant malignant tumor on your head. If you don't know what I mean take a look at Snooki. On second thought, hers might actually be a tumor.

Best of all, the Bumpit™ website has testimonials. That's right, people who actually took the time to explain how the Bumpit™ has changed their lives. But what is interesting about these testimonials is that they don't really say anything positive about the product.

For example, one lady wrote, "Almost immediately they noticed our model." Not, "they loved the model" or "everyone complimented the turtle shell of hair on her head". Just "they noticed". Of course they did. She probably looked like John Merrick.

Also, note that this quote is from "P.K., Beauty Buyer, Large Corp." Ah yes, Large Corp. Where they make all the larges. Someone should trustbust that monopoly. I'm tired of buying larges from only one corporation.

Ladies, the sooner you can get it through your heads that the Bumpit™ is a ridiculous piece of headwear, the sooner we can get this country back on track.

Ashes to Ashes, Forehead to Toast

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, so I got up early to go to church and get some ashes on my forehead... bahahahaha. Kidding. Totally kidding. Come on. I'd burst into flames if something holy touched me.

But I did do laundry yesterday, and I like to think that Jesus was a fan of fresh linens.

Now I don't mean to make fun of Catholics. After all, I was baptized Catholic. But here we go.

So the priest has to spread ashes in the sign of the cross on people's foreheads on Ash Wednesday. He probably does it all morning, and over a lifetime probably does it hundreds and maybe thousands of times. So why in the name of Xenu does everyone look like they fell head first into their morning burnt toast?

It's a simple shape. Just a +, right? And these guys should be experts. Like the Da Vincis of crosses. But everyone just looks like they took a knock to the forehead from Ali's knuckles.

I'm not saying people shouldn't get ashes on their forehead. I can totally see the benefits. Like you could probably wear whatever you want that day. It doesn't matter how stupid you look because everyone will be focused on that black mark on your noggin. All I'm saying is that maybe these priests should take an art class at the community college. Like fingerpainting 101 or something?

Devil Went Down To Illinois

Few people are still around who remember way back to 2008. It was a simpler time for the students at the University of Illinois. A girl could stumble drunkenly through the streets with fairly little chance of incident. But something was missing. Edible dorm food.

So the students of U of I made a deal with the devil, and the devil provided them with the ultimate evil: California Medley Soup. If you doubt it's evil-ness, taste it. It might as well be the devil's own semen because nothing that delicious could possibly be any less evil.

Shortly after that, the earthquake came. A devastating 5.4 on the richter scale, it shook windows and doors really loudly. The death toll hasn't even been estimated to this date.

For the university, it has been a downhill spiral from there. The school has been rocked by scandal, and many of those in charge are still being investigated. Crime rates have skyrocketed, even taking place in broad daylight.

Pat Robertson is getting a lot of criticism for suggesting that Haiti's troubles are rooted in a deal that Haitian slaves made with the devil in order to end French rule in the country. But we students at U of I know the truth. The only way Pat Robertson could possibly know about this: Pat Robertson IS the devil!

AHHHHH! How about that for a Shyamalan twist?

Click here to donate to the Red Cross and help the relief effort in Haiti.

Drugs In SPAAAAAAACE

A maintenance worker in the hangar of the space shuttle Discovery found a bag of cocaine outside of the men's room. Reportedly, this is all part of NASA's plan to cut costs in this troubled economy. It's cheaper to buy everyone a dime bag and make them think they are in space than actually paying to send people into space.

This calls into question every other space mission NASA has been a part of. Did we really land on the moon, or was everyone involved just stoned? The late sixties were a time of tremendous drug experimentation. Maybe Neil and Buzz just crashed into the Rockies and felt like there was less gravity. Astronauts on the moon certainly walk like they're coked out.

And that water that scientists found on the moon? Who's to say that someone didn't just have a coke sneeze on a monitor and thought it was water?

Of course, it could all be an alien conspiracy to smuggle drugs off the planet. That could also be why they are probing our anals, to see how much blow we can hide up there.

And no, I wasn't stoned when I wrote this.

No Long Haired Freaky Deaky People

Delinquency is like virginity. It needs to be wiped out fast and hard, and the younger the better. But how young is too young? How about 4 years old? (I mean for delinquency, not virginity... yeah.)

Well 4 is old enough for school suspension, according to a school district in a suburb of Dallas. The school suspended a boy from his pre-k class for wearing his hair too long. This has put the boy in a hairy situation. OH MY GOD! HAHAHAH! GET IT? A HAIRY SITUATION? Someone call Conan and tell him I'm available if he needs new writers when he goes to Fox!

I applaud the efforts of the school district. How many times have you seen a pretty lady sitting in front of you only to find out when she turns around that it's a MAN. Plus, if that kid gets close to a jet engine, his head will be sucked in like beer into a Shamwow.

We have to stop this kind of behavior early. Perhaps if someone had taken the Jonas Brothers' virginity early on, no one would care about them and we'd all be better off. Wait... what was this post about?

The Sexiness of Toaster Ovens

With all the debate going on about gay marriage, Quiznos continues to push the borders with their campaign for human-toaster relationships.

We all remember the controversial commercial when the Quiznos toaster oven demanded that a man "put it in me", referring seductively to a sandwich. It seems Quiznos has done it again with a new commercial in which the sex-hungry toaster suggests that it and a woman "run away together" because it has a "long extension cord".

People, I don't feel like I need to explain the dangers of sexual relationships between people and toaster ovens. The one-man-one-woman relationship serves the important function of reproduction. The only thing a relationship with a toaster oven will produce is burnt genitals.

If we all fall in love with toaster ovens, our civilization is doomed to fall. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Kenmore.

By the way, this is the funniest Quiznos commercial I've seen since the Quiznos rats: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOkoA9aBkuw

Naked Pictures of You!

Big news from the Chicago Tribune. It seems O'Hare is getting full body scanners for security.

I'd like to personally volunteer to scan the 18-25 year old female demographic. I do that all the time for free, so getting paid for it would be fantastic.

This means that every passenger, not just the suspicious ones, every passenger, not just the muslim ones, every passenger, not just the non-white ones, every passenger will be scanned by a machine that shows your naughty bits to some security perv.

And all of this because some guy set his crotch on fire in a poor attempt at a terrorist attack. He may be going to jail, but at least he'll never have to shave his pubes again.

As for the rest of us, we have to get cancer from some radioactive x-ray machine that exposes our junk to the fuzz. Now all we need is the machine that gives a cavity search to everyone.

I can tell what you're thinking already. "But they don't let you bring lube through security!" I know. It's a pain in the butt... buh dum tshhhh.