Suck It, Nature!

If you have allergies, then I don't need to tell you this is one of the worst allergy seasons on record in the country.

If you can manage to read this through your tear-filled eyes and booger-laden tissues, congratulations. The fact is that the trees and plants, much like in Shyamalan's The Happening, are trying to murder us.

This is the latest in a long line of attacks by nature on humanity. Volcanoes, global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, Lady Gaga, swine flu, the list of forces of nature that can and will kill you is on the rise.

My solution: stop breathing out. Plants need CO2 to survive, right? Well lets see how they like it when we stop spewing it from our lungs. Take that, nature!

Volcanoes? Just throw a virgin or two in them. Anime Central is coming up and I'm sure we can find a more than enough specimens to satisfy the bloodlust of volcanoes. Global warming? Well, since you stopped breathing there won't be any more CO2, which means no more global warming. That's what we call a classic two-birds-one-stone scenario.

Earthquakes? According to muslim cleric Sedighi, women showing too much cleavage causes earthquakes. So cover them up ladies.

On second thought, I think we can live with earthquakes.

Devil Went Down To Illinois

Few people are still around who remember way back to 2008. It was a simpler time for the students at the University of Illinois. A girl could stumble drunkenly through the streets with fairly little chance of incident. But something was missing. Edible dorm food.

So the students of U of I made a deal with the devil, and the devil provided them with the ultimate evil: California Medley Soup. If you doubt it's evil-ness, taste it. It might as well be the devil's own semen because nothing that delicious could possibly be any less evil.

Shortly after that, the earthquake came. A devastating 5.4 on the richter scale, it shook windows and doors really loudly. The death toll hasn't even been estimated to this date.

For the university, it has been a downhill spiral from there. The school has been rocked by scandal, and many of those in charge are still being investigated. Crime rates have skyrocketed, even taking place in broad daylight.

Pat Robertson is getting a lot of criticism for suggesting that Haiti's troubles are rooted in a deal that Haitian slaves made with the devil in order to end French rule in the country. But we students at U of I know the truth. The only way Pat Robertson could possibly know about this: Pat Robertson IS the devil!

AHHHHH! How about that for a Shyamalan twist?

Click here to donate to the Red Cross and help the relief effort in Haiti.