Bump-Bump-Bump-Bumpit™ Up!

It's easy to blame MTV's The Jersey Shore for a lot of things. Racism, stupidity, sexism, abs. But perhaps most unforgivable of transgressions is the popularization of the Bumpit™.

No, the Bumpit™ is not a kinky sex move. It's a glorified hair band that makes it look like there's a giant malignant tumor on your head. If you don't know what I mean take a look at Snooki. On second thought, hers might actually be a tumor.

Best of all, the Bumpit™ website has testimonials. That's right, people who actually took the time to explain how the Bumpit™ has changed their lives. But what is interesting about these testimonials is that they don't really say anything positive about the product.

For example, one lady wrote, "Almost immediately they noticed our model." Not, "they loved the model" or "everyone complimented the turtle shell of hair on her head". Just "they noticed". Of course they did. She probably looked like John Merrick.

Also, note that this quote is from "P.K., Beauty Buyer, Large Corp." Ah yes, Large Corp. Where they make all the larges. Someone should trustbust that monopoly. I'm tired of buying larges from only one corporation.

Ladies, the sooner you can get it through your heads that the Bumpit™ is a ridiculous piece of headwear, the sooner we can get this country back on track.

No Long Haired Freaky Deaky People

Delinquency is like virginity. It needs to be wiped out fast and hard, and the younger the better. But how young is too young? How about 4 years old? (I mean for delinquency, not virginity... yeah.)

Well 4 is old enough for school suspension, according to a school district in a suburb of Dallas. The school suspended a boy from his pre-k class for wearing his hair too long. This has put the boy in a hairy situation. OH MY GOD! HAHAHAH! GET IT? A HAIRY SITUATION? Someone call Conan and tell him I'm available if he needs new writers when he goes to Fox!

I applaud the efforts of the school district. How many times have you seen a pretty lady sitting in front of you only to find out when she turns around that it's a MAN. Plus, if that kid gets close to a jet engine, his head will be sucked in like beer into a Shamwow.

We have to stop this kind of behavior early. Perhaps if someone had taken the Jonas Brothers' virginity early on, no one would care about them and we'd all be better off. Wait... what was this post about?