M-I-C-K-E-Why Does God Let This Happen?

The Happiest Place on Earth just got a little sadder. The New York Times reports that two monorails collided at the Magic Kingdom of Disney World, killing one of the train operators.

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It was the first fatal crash in the monorail's 38 years of hauling screaming children to 2-minute rides with 4-hour lines.

That fact surprises me considering they will make anyone a monorail conductor. I was four years old and had no monorail training when Mickey gave me a monorail conductor's license.

Said Goofy, "This is the worst accident since someone thought it would be funny to put a real giant squid in the 20,000 Leages Under the Sea ride."

Donald Duck also commented on the accident, but who can tell what the hell he's saying?

The Sexiness of Murder-Threesomes

A local Fox station in Colorado opened a news report with this statement: "A three-way sex encounter ended in a bloody mess early Monday morning".

Is there any other way for a threesome to end?

Apparently a guy brought home another guy to have a threesome with his girlfriend. The two gentlemen (term loosely used (like the dude's girlfriend)) started to fight, and the girlfriend, in order to break up the fight, stabbed them both in their respective backs.

As we all know, the only way to break up a fight is to kill both fighters.

But the men did not die. Instead they drove to the hospital together and were treated for their wounds. So the would-be ménage à death had a happy ending (pun intended) after all. By giving the men a common enemy, the girlfriend brought them together, and everyone emerged a little wiser.

Especially the woman's son who was in the house during the incident. Let's see that kid try to have a normal, healthy relationship.

The moral of this story is BROS BEFORE HOES.

The Subliminal Messages of Walgreens

Today I went to Walgreens, and the more I walked around the store, the more I realized that the Walgreens itself was speaking to its customers. Not in the creepy Son of Sam I-hear-voices-everywhere-I-go type of speaking, but a more subtle yet no less suggestive way of conveying messages.

I will translate some of the Walgreens' hidden messages so that everyone can understand.

Walgreens: The candy isle is the skinniest isle in the store.

Message: If you can't fit down this isle you have no business being in it, fatty.

Walgreens: The soap isle is super wide and far back in the corner of the store.

Message: Hey smelly, stay as far away from everyone as possible.

Walgreens: The condoms are in the back next to glucose meters for diabetics.

Message: Have fun trying to get aroused after picking up condoms next to the old lady who looks like your Grandma. And while you're at it, enjoy the walk of shame up to the front of the store because the drunk bar ho you pick up tonight will probably be taking the walk tomorrow.

Walgreens: The gum and breath mints are right at the counter.

Message: Here's a back-up if you can't afford toothpaste. Or if you forgot it and you're too lazy to go back and get it.

Walgreens: Open 24-hours.

Message: For when you absolutely need the pill that kills the baby inside of you RIGHT NOW.

Walgreens: One-hour photo.

Message: You mean you don't have a digital camera? Then you can shuffle around the store for a while. Have fun playing with the kids' toys, dummy. At least it's technology you'll probably understand.

Stay tuned for more subliminal message translations.

New Ice Cream Flavors?

BBC News reports that police in West Yorkshire are being criticized for improperly labeling and storing DNA, blood, and urine samples in a freezer that they also use for ice cream.

That seems like an unfortunate midnight snack catastrophe waiting to happen. Who wants ice cream that has been stored next to criminal urine?

Although if it catches on, we could be looking at blood or even semen flavored ice cream in the future! And who doesn't love the taste of delicious frozen semen?

Ben & Jerry, I have to say if you're working on that flavor... stop.

The Sexiness of Lightbulbs

The Chicago Tribune reports that Obama, in addition to addressing other climate change concerns, has proposed legislation regarding lamps and lightbulbs. He is quoted as saying "I know light bulbs may not seem sexy, but this simple action holds enormous promise...".

Lightbulbs not sexy, Mr. President? Well I did some digging, and if this picture has anything to add to the discussion, I'd say Obama should do his research before he speaks.

Either lightbulbs are sexy, or this person needed some lighting to go with his or her colon's feng shui.

More Web-Ad Shenanigans

This time an ad for Nestea caught my eye while I was web-drifting. The ad for Green Tea proudly proclaimed "Like a punch in the mouth that feels good."

Who comes up with this garbage? I can imagine the meeting where they came up with ideas for new ads.

Ad writer 1: We need to compare our Green Tea to something enjoyable and pleasureable.

Writer 2: How about a punch in the mouth?

Writer 1: That doesn't sound very enjoyable.

Writer 2: No no, this would be like a punch in the mouth, but it feels good.

Writer 1: "Like a punch in the mouth that feels good." That's brilliant!

Writer 2: I've got some other ideas. We could say it's like a kick to the crotch...

Writer 1: Quit drilling, you've struck oil! Let's run it!

Any clown that comes off the street is apparently able to write advertisements for multi-million dollar corporations. How about this: "Like Hitler but kills thirst instead of Jews"? Eh?

You're right, I probably put too much effort into that ad. It would never work.

Jackson Dead? Not a Chance.

Today Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital after going through cardiac arrest. Early reports have stated that the King of Pop passed away at age 50.

While he may be dead, Jacko is certainly not gone. I predict that Jackson will become the Elvis of pop. People will speculate that he didn't die, but went home in the mother ship to be number 1 on Mars's Top 40. Little boys will claim that Jackson probed them in his spaceship.

Much like those who prefer young, thin Elvis to old, fat Elvis, everyone will have an opinion as to whether young, black Michael was better than old, white Michael.

Hordes of Jacko looke-alikes will come crawling out of the woodwork for Michael Conventions. Maybe Michael Jacks-con 2010 is just around the corner.

Jackson will be to pop what Tupac is to rap. It will be speculated that he faked his own death, and people will search for clues in his posthumous albums. His zombie corpse will be spotted performing "Thriller" at nightclubs everywhere.

Dead? I think not.