Magic Luck Bird Makes Baseball Tolerable

In terms of sports that are fun to watch, baseball ranks somewhere above Chess and somewhere below Paper Sailboat races.  But you know what can make baseball interesting?  Live flying monster beasts blazing out of the sky granting wishes to the home team.

Well guess what happened Easter Sunday, sports fans.  Exactly that.

Some said it was a red-tailed hawk, some said it was a peregrine falcon that fired down from the roof of Miller Park during the Brewers game.  The bird-creature took a chomp on a pigeon on the way down, most likely just for the hell of it, then landed on the grass about 50 feet from the right fielder.

And there it sat with the kind of couldn't-give-a-good-god-damn attitude that bordered on James-Dean-after-a-blunt levels.  Excessive hyphens?  You bet I just did that.

He sat there throughout a three run Milwaukee rally with celebratory fireworks, looking bored by the whole thing.  Then it decided Milwaukee was unworthy of its luck-bringing demon powers and took off, presumably to go place a few bets at the track and bang some super models.

If you could guarantee that the magic luck bird would show up to sporting events, I'd actually watch games.  If that ornithic beast were a Pokemon, it would be a Chansey and a Moltres combined, and you wouldn't be able to catch it because it would eat your pokeballs and poop out nightmares.

Perhaps one day the bird shall return and fulfill the prophecy.  You know the one I'm talking about.  Yeah, that prophecy.

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The End Just Got Nigher

Well ladies and gents, it's a new year and we're one step closer to the Apocalypse.  2012 is coming, and if the Mayan's were good for anything (were they?) it's doomsday prophesies.  Okay, maybe they dropped the ball on predicting their own demise, but let's look at the facts.

Thousands of birds and fish, and now crabs apparently (the water kind, not the pube kind), have died en masse in the U.S., Sweden, Brazil, New Zealand, and Britain.  Scientists say it can be the result of global warming, waste dumping, disease, or in the case of the birds who dropped dead on New Years Eve confusion and fear  over fireworks.

But what's more likely, those perfectly logical scientific explanations, or the end of days?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.

2010 saw a huge influx of high profile UFO sightings, including ones that shut down Chinese airports and produced weird lights and formations over Texas.  Aliens, or angels of death heralding the Rapture?  Californians reported seeing a possible missile launch off the west coast.  The government's response:  "Um...  I dunno.  A cloud I guess?"

Come on, government.  People, can we really trust a group where one of the most powerful people weeps openly all the time.  Like, all the time.  Look up "John Boehner crying".  There's 4000 more results on Google than "John Boehner not crying".  Also his name is pronounced "Bay-ner", not the way it looks like it should be pronounced.  You would think getting called "Boner" his whole life would toughen him up.

No, we can't trust the government.  We can't trust science.  All we can trust is that, come 2012, we're all checking out.  The last step?  Zombies.  Yeah.  Get ready for that.




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