A Guide to Human Evolution

Human evolution can be difficult to understand.  So you have two options.  First, you could say we were magic'd into existence six thousand years ago, riding dinosaurs and using prehistoric beasts as household appliances.  Second, you can read this simple guide.  Now gather 'round children and let me tell you about your great great great great... etc... grand-pappy.

1)  Australopithecus:  His feet were made for walking, and that's just what they did.  His major advancement was the ability to walk upright, which in turn led to the ability to spot predators from far away, to do the cha-cha slide, and eventually to dunk a basketball.  Before you know it, every day he was shuffling.  Ultimately, he died out when potential mates grew sick of him complaining about how his "dogs were barking" and his constant requests for foot massages.

Shuffled into non-existence.  Also there were robots.

2)  Homo habilis (no homo):  The first of the evolutionary chain to get all "handsy".  His new opposable thumbs allowed him to be the first to make the joke, "What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?  This guy!  Seriously, I'm the first one to have thumbs.  You should be impressed."  Eventually his cocky attitude got the best of him when constant thumbs-up gestures to his buddies distracted him from predators and made him virtually undateable.

Also, he wrote jokes for Scrubs, which has been
cancelled several times since the Pleistocene.

3)  Homo erectus (okay, totes homo):  The brainiac of the family tree, and the one with the most hilarious name, Homo erectus never had a chance in high school.  But being a nerd has its advantages.  While Homo habilis was busy poking cheerleaders, H. erectus was busy developing better tools and finding a stable job with a higher salary.  Though they lived at the same time for a while, H. erectus outlived H. habilis, proving that the nerds always win eventually.

An arsenal of stone tools
and six figures, ladies.

4)  Homo neanderthalensis:  The Neanderthal is like that uncle that your brother suspiciously resembles more than your actual father.  He lived at the same time as Homo sapiens, and even managed to bang one or two. In fact, many people alive today have a little Neanderthal DNA floating around in them (not in the sexual way, just... nevermind).  Despite his constant efforts to convince mates that his pronounced forehead was a sign of sexual fertility, the Neanderthal was far too fugly to be a long-term mate.

Above:  Fuggo.  Too ugly to love.

5)  Homo sapiens:  That's you!  You're an upright-walking, thumb-having, language-speaking, building... building, television-watching consumer thanks to all the junk that happened before you.  We've spread out over the whole world, launched people at the moon, and flung our garbage out into space, hoping to find anyone in the universe like us.  So far, no luck.  Scientists say that this is it.  No more evolving for humans, barring some natural global catastrophe, which is unlikely.  Although, Snooki is having a child in December of 2012...

Above:  The end of all things.

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The End Just Got Nigher

Well ladies and gents, it's a new year and we're one step closer to the Apocalypse.  2012 is coming, and if the Mayan's were good for anything (were they?) it's doomsday prophesies.  Okay, maybe they dropped the ball on predicting their own demise, but let's look at the facts.

Thousands of birds and fish, and now crabs apparently (the water kind, not the pube kind), have died en masse in the U.S., Sweden, Brazil, New Zealand, and Britain.  Scientists say it can be the result of global warming, waste dumping, disease, or in the case of the birds who dropped dead on New Years Eve confusion and fear  over fireworks.

But what's more likely, those perfectly logical scientific explanations, or the end of days?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.

2010 saw a huge influx of high profile UFO sightings, including ones that shut down Chinese airports and produced weird lights and formations over Texas.  Aliens, or angels of death heralding the Rapture?  Californians reported seeing a possible missile launch off the west coast.  The government's response:  "Um...  I dunno.  A cloud I guess?"

Come on, government.  People, can we really trust a group where one of the most powerful people weeps openly all the time.  Like, all the time.  Look up "John Boehner crying".  There's 4000 more results on Google than "John Boehner not crying".  Also his name is pronounced "Bay-ner", not the way it looks like it should be pronounced.  You would think getting called "Boner" his whole life would toughen him up.

No, we can't trust the government.  We can't trust science.  All we can trust is that, come 2012, we're all checking out.  The last step?  Zombies.  Yeah.  Get ready for that.




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