Conversing is Fun 3

Some more conversations I've had with strangers on the interwebbins.  Enjoy.

Why doesn't anyone talk to dinosaurs?

Who doesn't know Toy Story?
Woody?  Buzz?  Nothing?  Seriously?

People from Jupiter.  Am I right?

Filthy, Filthy Commercials

When the television first became available to consumers, it cost an average family several months of savings to own one.  But they all would have destroyed their precious idiot-boxes with more prejudice than they would a Nazi-Commie with a sour disposition if they knew what today's TV would look like.

Above:  Mad sexual tension.

To an audience that got the heebie-jeebies from seeing a married couple share a bed or use the word "pregnant", even our modern commercials would seem like Satan had emerged from the television to poop in their eyes and make their sons gay.

Don't believe me?  Here are just a few examples of the 50's-mentality-destroying ads we all know and love.

-Here's an ad for Charmin Toilet Paper.  Everybody poops, right?  But imagine talking about the tiny scraps of TP that get stuck to your butthole during an episode of I Love Lucy.  Do you think it would make the audience uncomfortable?  Does a cartoon bear s#!t in the woods and then get picky about the toilet paper it uses?

-This commercial for Always Infinity stands in for all feminine hygiene product ads.  Back when television was new, guys knew nothing about vaginas.  Ask your grandpa when he learned about vaginas.  Go ahead.  Never, right?  And he had to have had sex at least once.  Nowadays, thanks to television even guys know about periods.  They cause women to dress in white and spill blue liquid all over the place.  Which is why you never buy blue Gatorade for a woman when she's on her period and why they warn you about stained sheets during that time of month.

-Even Viagra and other pills for boners get TV time.  I'm sure a soldier returning from World War II would love to hear, "Has your peen stopped working?  Well here's a pill that'll make it roar like a Howitzer.  Now if it works for more than four hours, leave your house, go to the public hospital with your rager, and tell a doctor to take a look at it."  That's treating the troops with the dignity they deserve.

-Of course, if your husband isn't willing to take the Miracle-Gro pill, there's always the Trojan Triphoria to blow your hair back.  Yes, it's a commercial for a masturbation device.  And it's advertised as being fun for guys, too.  In an era where PDA was limited to Ralph Kramden threatening to punch his wife to the moon (Google The Honeymooners, youngsters), I doubt the average TV viewer could have conceived of a machine to have sex with, let alone have the creativity to find out how to please a man with it.

-The commercials for Ashley Madison surprise even me.  Yes, little ol' me living in the modern age with period and vibrator commercials.  It's a website where married people can go to have affairs.  Surely, adultery happened back in the day, but I doubt anyone would dream that it would become a business with a School House Rock style commercial.  But time makes fools of us all.

In the future, who knows.  Maybe our ridiculous commercials about bodily functions, Girls Gone Wild DVDs, condoms, and sex toys will seem as wholesome as commercials for apple pie.  Sexy, filthy apple pie.

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Tips For Picking Up Girls From A Guy With Game

The world is full of lonely guys.  Why?  Because they don't know how to pick up girls.  Fortunately, I'm here to help.  You may ask, "Hey, why should I take advice about picking up girls from a guy who doesn't have a girlfriend".  To that I say please stop talking to my blog.  I can't hear you through the monitor.

Above:  My greatest
achievement

As for why I don't have a girlfriend, I suffer from a rare condition known as "too much game".  Every once in a while, I have to have a game removal operation.  I donate the extracted game to Parker Brothers or Milton Bradley.  Remember the game Mousetrap?  That was me.  Crossfire?  Right here.

I also tell a lot of lies, as I just demonstrated.  I don't know if that's a thing, but if it is I have that, too.

Girls, you may already be wondering what's in this post for you.  Well I'm helping you by making your choices of men more desirable and increasing the dating market.  You're welcome.  So here are some tips for picking up girls from a guy with game to spare.

- Show her you're interested.  A great pick-up line can signal that you want to pursue her.  Try this one, "I want to put some stuff in you.  Namely several more drinks followed by my peen".  There is no way in the world that can possibly fail.

Tell her the Empire State
Building is located in
Atlantis

- Confidence is key.  Show your confidence by making outlandish, ridiculous statements.  Then refuse to admit you're wrong, no matter what evidence you're presented with.  Claim that Tiger Woods is the 43rd President of the United States.  Say that the best Rum and Coke is made with neither Rum nor Coke.  Say Tron: Legacy was way better than the original and deserved Best Picture.  Don't concede any of your stances at any cost.

- Girls like a bad boy.  You can best demonstrate that you're a bad boy by pushing her down in front of her friends.  Don't hurt her or push her into traffic or anything, just enough to make her fall down.  Every girl is taught when she is little that if a boy pushes her on the playground, he likes her.  Same thing goes for when you're older.

- Make her laugh.  If you're not funny, there's only one other option.  Tickle her.  Tickle her until she pees.  She'll be so turned on by your ability to make her laugh and so embarrassed by the pee that she will need to leave immediately.  So you'll pretty much have to go back to her place.

Above:  People not looking stupid.

- Learn to dance.  The Conga, the Macarena, and the YMCA are all great dances that will have her swooning for you in no time.

- Be tall.  If you're short, quit being so short and start being a little taller.

If you can pull off all of these tips, you are sure to be an amazing pick-up artist in no time.  Or, I don't know, just be yourself or something.  I don't care.

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10 Step Guide to Responsible Drinking

Alcohol companies always tell you to drink responsibly.  But what does it even mean to drink responsibly?  Seems like an oxymoron, right?  Well your mom is an oxymoron.  So here is a step by step guide to drinking responsibly.

1.  Climbing on things isn't a good idea.  It's a great idea. Trees, streetlights, statues, buildings, whatever.  Especially because it's attractive to women.  It goes back to the days when we were all monkeys.  Guy monkey would climb a tree, and girl monkey would be all like, "Damn, I want a piece of that monkey butt".  Same principle applies today.

Ladies?

2.  Drink lots of water.  This is good advice because water tastes great with alcohol.

3.  Don't start fights.  Finish them.  Your drunk-ness will give you Hulk-like strength, perfect for bringing any conflict to a speedy conclusion.

It'll make you green at least.

4.  Program the cab company's number into your phone.  This will provide you the opportunity to make some especially hilarious drunk dials when you forget that you are talking to a burly cab driver and not your ex.

5.  Don't break the seal.  Clubbing seals is illegal, and if you break one you could get in serious trouble.

6.  Don't drink alone.  If you pass out, your face isn't going to draw penises on itself.

7.  Pace yourself.  Drinking is a marathon, which is why a Kenyan will always beat you at it, no matter how much you try.

8.  Cover your drink.  The only purpose this serves is to keep flavor in, so it's not that important.

9.  Remember the rhyme "Beer then liquor, you're made out of wicker.  Liquor then beer... well that's good, too."  It's fun to say.

10.  Above all, don't talk to police.  They prefer to be yelled at, and it's best if you use violent hand gestures to get their attention.

Also, give them bones.
They love it.

Hope this helps.  Now go out there and get you some harmless, legal alcohol.  Drink responsibly.  And sorry about calling your mom an oxymoron.



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I Answer Stupid Questions Part 5

Pancake raft.

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Conversing is Fun 2

I like strangers.  And I don't mean that thing you do when you sit on your arm until it falls asleep... well you can google it.  Here are some more adventures with the internets.

Why won't anyone talk to unicorns?

At least I have chicken.

Yeah, beat that comeback.

In west Philidelphia, born and raised.  Gross.

The Top 5 Cool Guys You Buy Stuff From

Everyone knows the ninth circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and advertisers.  But unlike betrayal, advertising requires little creativity.  It's all very much according to formula.  And in recent years, a new formula has been developed to get you to willingly sit through a commercial, then go out and spend some hard-earned guacamole. This is the cool guy formula, and here's how it works.

Cool guy enters the scene.  He does a bunch of cool guy stuff, like saving kittens or bending the physical properties of matter or blatantly ignoring the laws of the universe.  Girls (and some guys) fall in love with him, other guys don't feel threatened because he's just that cool.  By the end you're so charmed that you buy whatever he wants you to because he's just that cool.  Don't believe that this is a trend?  Let's take a look at the top 5 cool guys out there today.

#5  A relative newcomer to the cool guy scene, it's the Progressive guy who likes your jeans.  He's been in only a couple commercials, maybe as a cool foil to the borderline intolerable dorkiness of other Progressive spokesperson Flo.  But I suppose I can't fault them for having two mascots, as Geico has like a thousand.  He's not magical or anything, like some of the other guys on the list.  But he does have a mustache, and that's something.

#4  Another newcomer, it's the Heineken guy who knows everyone in the world.  Just watch his commercial. He knows pirates and cowboys, he shoots basket hoops, he knows Kung Fu, and in a Ron Burgundy homage plays jazz flute while toasting a fine Heineken brew.  If you haven't creamed your jeans by the end of that groovy song, well you must not be wearing jeans.

#3  Beer companies have really taken off with the cool guy formula, as our next cool guy, Keith Stone, proves.  Why is his name Keith Stone?  Because it sounds like Keystone, which is what he's selling, and "Guy who sells horse urine in a can" was taken.  Yes, it was taken.  But don't worry.  Keith Stone is "always smooth".  And if by that you mean he looks like a skinny hipster version of Jack Black who hasn't showered in weeks, you'd be correct.

#2  It's the guy every woman wants her man to be but will settle for him to smell like, the Old Spice guy.  Perhaps the most magical cool guy on the list, he can wander through time and space like a dream and do all the things women complain about their men not doing, like fixing the kitchen or riding a horse backwards.  Just try to hate him.  You can't, can you?  That's because he has a voice like melted marshmallows and a perpetually shirt-free six pack.

#1  Who could beat Old Spice guy?  Well only the most interesting man in the world.  You know he once traveled through time and boned a tyrannosaurus, which then gave birth to him.  That's right, his mother is a tyrannosaurus, and he is his own father.  Isn't that interesting?  And you know what he drinks?  Dos Equis.  And you could be interesting too if you drink the same Mexican filth water.  I don't always smell bulls#!t, but when I do it's probably a cool guy advertisement.

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