Tips For Picking Up Girls From A Guy With Game

The world is full of lonely guys.  Why?  Because they don't know how to pick up girls.  Fortunately, I'm here to help.  You may ask, "Hey, why should I take advice about picking up girls from a guy who doesn't have a girlfriend".  To that I say please stop talking to my blog.  I can't hear you through the monitor.

Above:  My greatest
achievement

As for why I don't have a girlfriend, I suffer from a rare condition known as "too much game".  Every once in a while, I have to have a game removal operation.  I donate the extracted game to Parker Brothers or Milton Bradley.  Remember the game Mousetrap?  That was me.  Crossfire?  Right here.

I also tell a lot of lies, as I just demonstrated.  I don't know if that's a thing, but if it is I have that, too.

Girls, you may already be wondering what's in this post for you.  Well I'm helping you by making your choices of men more desirable and increasing the dating market.  You're welcome.  So here are some tips for picking up girls from a guy with game to spare.

- Show her you're interested.  A great pick-up line can signal that you want to pursue her.  Try this one, "I want to put some stuff in you.  Namely several more drinks followed by my peen".  There is no way in the world that can possibly fail.

Tell her the Empire State
Building is located in
Atlantis

- Confidence is key.  Show your confidence by making outlandish, ridiculous statements.  Then refuse to admit you're wrong, no matter what evidence you're presented with.  Claim that Tiger Woods is the 43rd President of the United States.  Say that the best Rum and Coke is made with neither Rum nor Coke.  Say Tron: Legacy was way better than the original and deserved Best Picture.  Don't concede any of your stances at any cost.

- Girls like a bad boy.  You can best demonstrate that you're a bad boy by pushing her down in front of her friends.  Don't hurt her or push her into traffic or anything, just enough to make her fall down.  Every girl is taught when she is little that if a boy pushes her on the playground, he likes her.  Same thing goes for when you're older.

- Make her laugh.  If you're not funny, there's only one other option.  Tickle her.  Tickle her until she pees.  She'll be so turned on by your ability to make her laugh and so embarrassed by the pee that she will need to leave immediately.  So you'll pretty much have to go back to her place.

Above:  People not looking stupid.

- Learn to dance.  The Conga, the Macarena, and the YMCA are all great dances that will have her swooning for you in no time.

- Be tall.  If you're short, quit being so short and start being a little taller.

If you can pull off all of these tips, you are sure to be an amazing pick-up artist in no time.  Or, I don't know, just be yourself or something.  I don't care.

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10 Step Guide to Responsible Drinking

Alcohol companies always tell you to drink responsibly.  But what does it even mean to drink responsibly?  Seems like an oxymoron, right?  Well your mom is an oxymoron.  So here is a step by step guide to drinking responsibly.

1.  Climbing on things isn't a good idea.  It's a great idea. Trees, streetlights, statues, buildings, whatever.  Especially because it's attractive to women.  It goes back to the days when we were all monkeys.  Guy monkey would climb a tree, and girl monkey would be all like, "Damn, I want a piece of that monkey butt".  Same principle applies today.

Ladies?

2.  Drink lots of water.  This is good advice because water tastes great with alcohol.

3.  Don't start fights.  Finish them.  Your drunk-ness will give you Hulk-like strength, perfect for bringing any conflict to a speedy conclusion.

It'll make you green at least.

4.  Program the cab company's number into your phone.  This will provide you the opportunity to make some especially hilarious drunk dials when you forget that you are talking to a burly cab driver and not your ex.

5.  Don't break the seal.  Clubbing seals is illegal, and if you break one you could get in serious trouble.

6.  Don't drink alone.  If you pass out, your face isn't going to draw penises on itself.

7.  Pace yourself.  Drinking is a marathon, which is why a Kenyan will always beat you at it, no matter how much you try.

8.  Cover your drink.  The only purpose this serves is to keep flavor in, so it's not that important.

9.  Remember the rhyme "Beer then liquor, you're made out of wicker.  Liquor then beer... well that's good, too."  It's fun to say.

10.  Above all, don't talk to police.  They prefer to be yelled at, and it's best if you use violent hand gestures to get their attention.

Also, give them bones.
They love it.

Hope this helps.  Now go out there and get you some harmless, legal alcohol.  Drink responsibly.  And sorry about calling your mom an oxymoron.



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I Answer Stupid Questions Part 5

Pancake raft.

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