5 Things That Look Like a Penis

I haven't blogged in forever.  But I'm back to entertain you with 5 things that aren't penises, but look like penises.  This may be the most juvenile post I've ever done.

What would Freud say?  Don't care.  This is happening.

1.  This company's logo:

Upside down, if you get what I mean.

2. This wet spot on the pavement:

I also see a tank.  I don't know what that means.

3. This character from Adventure Time:

Seriously?

4.  The tail between this monkey's legs:

It's supposed to be a girl monkey, right?

5.  This water gun that Minkus is holding:

Is this what water guns looked like during my childhood?

Well, I hope you had fun and said, "That is a penis," at least once.

Anyway, I've been taking classes at The Second City recently, and I have a show coming up.  If you're in the Chicago area, grab tickets and come see A Twerk In Progress, starting at 10:30 PM on August 30th and playing every Friday at the same time and place throughout September.

A Guide to Human Evolution

Human evolution can be difficult to understand.  So you have two options.  First, you could say we were magic'd into existence six thousand years ago, riding dinosaurs and using prehistoric beasts as household appliances.  Second, you can read this simple guide.  Now gather 'round children and let me tell you about your great great great great... etc... grand-pappy.

1)  Australopithecus:  His feet were made for walking, and that's just what they did.  His major advancement was the ability to walk upright, which in turn led to the ability to spot predators from far away, to do the cha-cha slide, and eventually to dunk a basketball.  Before you know it, every day he was shuffling.  Ultimately, he died out when potential mates grew sick of him complaining about how his "dogs were barking" and his constant requests for foot massages.

Shuffled into non-existence.  Also there were robots.

2)  Homo habilis (no homo):  The first of the evolutionary chain to get all "handsy".  His new opposable thumbs allowed him to be the first to make the joke, "What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?  This guy!  Seriously, I'm the first one to have thumbs.  You should be impressed."  Eventually his cocky attitude got the best of him when constant thumbs-up gestures to his buddies distracted him from predators and made him virtually undateable.

Also, he wrote jokes for Scrubs, which has been
cancelled several times since the Pleistocene.

3)  Homo erectus (okay, totes homo):  The brainiac of the family tree, and the one with the most hilarious name, Homo erectus never had a chance in high school.  But being a nerd has its advantages.  While Homo habilis was busy poking cheerleaders, H. erectus was busy developing better tools and finding a stable job with a higher salary.  Though they lived at the same time for a while, H. erectus outlived H. habilis, proving that the nerds always win eventually.

An arsenal of stone tools
and six figures, ladies.

4)  Homo neanderthalensis:  The Neanderthal is like that uncle that your brother suspiciously resembles more than your actual father.  He lived at the same time as Homo sapiens, and even managed to bang one or two. In fact, many people alive today have a little Neanderthal DNA floating around in them (not in the sexual way, just... nevermind).  Despite his constant efforts to convince mates that his pronounced forehead was a sign of sexual fertility, the Neanderthal was far too fugly to be a long-term mate.

Above:  Fuggo.  Too ugly to love.

5)  Homo sapiens:  That's you!  You're an upright-walking, thumb-having, language-speaking, building... building, television-watching consumer thanks to all the junk that happened before you.  We've spread out over the whole world, launched people at the moon, and flung our garbage out into space, hoping to find anyone in the universe like us.  So far, no luck.  Scientists say that this is it.  No more evolving for humans, barring some natural global catastrophe, which is unlikely.  Although, Snooki is having a child in December of 2012...

Above:  The end of all things.

Like it on Facebook.

I Answer Stupid Questions Part 6: Giant Hamsters

People have stupid questions.  I have equally stupid or stupider answers.

Click the image if you're having trouble reading.  Or squint like they did in the old days.

Like it on Facebook.

Conversing is Fun 5: Jim Carrey, Late Sneezes, and Familial Relationships

I got a new orange hoodie today.  On an unrelated note, here are some more conversations I've had with strangers.

You were awesome in Liar Liar 2: The Yes Man

Best way to fight a bully: Remind him that
even his parents hate him and think he's a dick.

Listen, buddy.  Nope means nope.

This guy really REALLY wanted me blessed.
I like to think I gave him a nice opportunity.

I'm wearing it right now.  The orange hoodie I mean.

Like it on Facebook.

Fun With Super Bowls

I went to Indianapolis for the Superbowl this year.  I know, I've mentioned several times that I do not enjoy sports (see here and here).  But I'll be damned if I miss an opportunity to make fun of people for caring about something.  I mean, who do they think they are?  Being passionate and all that nonsense.  You might think I'm saying that because I'm jealous because I'll never have something I care about that much.  Well, smarty pants...

Moving on.

I didn't actually go to the game.  But I did have fun in all the madness around the city.  I happened to be captured in the best photograph I have ever been a part of in my life.

Best photobomb ever.

Just look at it.  We honestly had no idea that lady was back there.  But it looks like this photo simply formed around her.  The spotlight hit her perfectly.  I'm looking to the side as if I'm directing your eye to her.  Totally unplanned.  And we seemed to capture the exact moment she is about to say the word "luscious".

But it wasn't all fun in the dark.  The daylight brought out the crazies, too.  Like this lady.

First of all, there go my Saturday plans.  But party in hell cancelled due to fire?  Really?  That's like saying "Pool party cancelled due to wetness".  The whole reason to go to a hell party is for the fire.  I know, I've been to a hell party.  And honestly, hell isn't that bad.  In fact, if you're bad in hell, they send you back here.  You might think that's not so bad.  Well do you want to die?  No.  Do you want to die twice?  Hell no.  (Incidentally, that's where the phrase "Hell no" came from.)

Don't believe I've been to hell?  Take this crazy's word for it.

I'm at least four out of those five things.  Bonus points if you can guess which ones.

Like it on Facebook.

Conversing is Fun 4: Pwned Pervs and Chipwrecked Edition

I haven't blogged in a while.  You can complain if you want, but it won't do you any good.  Best to just get over it and move on.

As always, click the pic to view in full size.

No it doesn't.

I'm not very good at roleplay.

Wow, for a second there I totally thought I was Jennifer.  Sorry, dude.

There are no girls on the internet.  It's a fact.

To be honest, I doubt it can top The Squeakuel.

You may be thinking that these conversations, while hilarious, are a little tame.  You'd be right.  But come on, my family reads this.  For the R-rated stuff and extended convos you'll have to follow me on Google+.  Send me a message and I'll add you to my circles.

Follow it on Facebook.

Last-Minute Costume Ideas

It’s Halloween.  And since I assume this blog’s main demographic is made up of children under the age of twelve, you’re probably going Trick-Or-Treating tonight.  “But oh noes!” you might be saying.  “I forgetted to make teh costumezz!”

Well first of all, learn English.  You sound like a cat meme.  Next, follow my simple guide to creative, last-minute costume ideas.

Something like this.

- Tons of people are going as Steve Jobs because it’s topical.  These too-sooners are a bunch of insensitive jerks.  Instead, you should go as the Cancer that killed Steve Jobs.  Here’s what you’ll need:  a pack of pink balloons (these will be the cancer cells), some tubing, and some tape. 

Take the balloons and tape them all over your body.  Then, affix one end of the tubing to each of the mouthpieces on the balloons, and put the other end to your mouth.  Then, whenever you are feeling particularly malignant in the night, blow into the tubes.  Surprise!  You’re a budding baby tumor.  If you feel especially infectious, find someone dressed as Steve Jobs and spread to his lymph nodes.

Tragically hilarious.

- If you want a costume that’s topical and simple to make, try this one.  Go to your favorite grocery store and pick up some turkey.  You can settle for lunch meat, but turkey on the bone is probably better.  Next rip apart the turkey and spread it haphazardly all over your body.  Now take a look in the mirror and see your awesome Turkey After An Earthquake costume.

- Let’s say you actually have friends (because you’re not a horribly offensive douche) and you just want to dress up with them as something moderately annoying instead of soul-crushing.  Well, this is simple.  Grab two of your friends, three white t-shirts, a dictionary, and a Sharpie.

In Sharpie, write down the word “there” on one shirt, “their” on another, and “they’re” on the third.  Look up the definition of each and supply it to the respective word.  Then head out for the night.  Try to look as pompous and arrogant as possible.  Then, whenever you are talking to someone and they use some form of “there” in conversation, interrupt them and tell them they are using the wrong word and they should consult your shirts.

Hope this helps.  Happy Halloween.