I Answer Stupid Questions Part 6: Giant Hamsters

People have stupid questions.  I have equally stupid or stupider answers.

Click the image if you're having trouble reading.  Or squint like they did in the old days.

Like it on Facebook.

Conversing is Fun 5: Jim Carrey, Late Sneezes, and Familial Relationships

I got a new orange hoodie today.  On an unrelated note, here are some more conversations I've had with strangers.

You were awesome in Liar Liar 2: The Yes Man

Best way to fight a bully: Remind him that
even his parents hate him and think he's a dick.

Listen, buddy.  Nope means nope.

This guy really REALLY wanted me blessed.
I like to think I gave him a nice opportunity.

I'm wearing it right now.  The orange hoodie I mean.

Like it on Facebook.

Fun With Super Bowls

I went to Indianapolis for the Superbowl this year.  I know, I've mentioned several times that I do not enjoy sports (see here and here).  But I'll be damned if I miss an opportunity to make fun of people for caring about something.  I mean, who do they think they are?  Being passionate and all that nonsense.  You might think I'm saying that because I'm jealous because I'll never have something I care about that much.  Well, smarty pants...

Moving on.

I didn't actually go to the game.  But I did have fun in all the madness around the city.  I happened to be captured in the best photograph I have ever been a part of in my life.

Best photobomb ever.

Just look at it.  We honestly had no idea that lady was back there.  But it looks like this photo simply formed around her.  The spotlight hit her perfectly.  I'm looking to the side as if I'm directing your eye to her.  Totally unplanned.  And we seemed to capture the exact moment she is about to say the word "luscious".

But it wasn't all fun in the dark.  The daylight brought out the crazies, too.  Like this lady.

First of all, there go my Saturday plans.  But party in hell cancelled due to fire?  Really?  That's like saying "Pool party cancelled due to wetness".  The whole reason to go to a hell party is for the fire.  I know, I've been to a hell party.  And honestly, hell isn't that bad.  In fact, if you're bad in hell, they send you back here.  You might think that's not so bad.  Well do you want to die?  No.  Do you want to die twice?  Hell no.  (Incidentally, that's where the phrase "Hell no" came from.)

Don't believe I've been to hell?  Take this crazy's word for it.

I'm at least four out of those five things.  Bonus points if you can guess which ones.

Like it on Facebook.

Conversing is Fun 4: Pwned Pervs and Chipwrecked Edition

I haven't blogged in a while.  You can complain if you want, but it won't do you any good.  Best to just get over it and move on.

As always, click the pic to view in full size.

No it doesn't.

I'm not very good at roleplay.

Wow, for a second there I totally thought I was Jennifer.  Sorry, dude.

There are no girls on the internet.  It's a fact.

To be honest, I doubt it can top The Squeakuel.

You may be thinking that these conversations, while hilarious, are a little tame.  You'd be right.  But come on, my family reads this.  For the R-rated stuff and extended convos you'll have to follow me on Google+.  Send me a message and I'll add you to my circles.

Follow it on Facebook.

Last-Minute Costume Ideas

It’s Halloween.  And since I assume this blog’s main demographic is made up of children under the age of twelve, you’re probably going Trick-Or-Treating tonight.  “But oh noes!” you might be saying.  “I forgetted to make teh costumezz!”

Well first of all, learn English.  You sound like a cat meme.  Next, follow my simple guide to creative, last-minute costume ideas.

Something like this.

- Tons of people are going as Steve Jobs because it’s topical.  These too-sooners are a bunch of insensitive jerks.  Instead, you should go as the Cancer that killed Steve Jobs.  Here’s what you’ll need:  a pack of pink balloons (these will be the cancer cells), some tubing, and some tape. 

Take the balloons and tape them all over your body.  Then, affix one end of the tubing to each of the mouthpieces on the balloons, and put the other end to your mouth.  Then, whenever you are feeling particularly malignant in the night, blow into the tubes.  Surprise!  You’re a budding baby tumor.  If you feel especially infectious, find someone dressed as Steve Jobs and spread to his lymph nodes.

Tragically hilarious.

- If you want a costume that’s topical and simple to make, try this one.  Go to your favorite grocery store and pick up some turkey.  You can settle for lunch meat, but turkey on the bone is probably better.  Next rip apart the turkey and spread it haphazardly all over your body.  Now take a look in the mirror and see your awesome Turkey After An Earthquake costume.

- Let’s say you actually have friends (because you’re not a horribly offensive douche) and you just want to dress up with them as something moderately annoying instead of soul-crushing.  Well, this is simple.  Grab two of your friends, three white t-shirts, a dictionary, and a Sharpie.

In Sharpie, write down the word “there” on one shirt, “their” on another, and “they’re” on the third.  Look up the definition of each and supply it to the respective word.  Then head out for the night.  Try to look as pompous and arrogant as possible.  Then, whenever you are talking to someone and they use some form of “there” in conversation, interrupt them and tell them they are using the wrong word and they should consult your shirts.

Hope this helps.  Happy Halloween.

Jumping Ponds: It'll Burn Your Balls, Lad

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 12/4/2010.

I need soap from time to time.  And last time I needed soap, I picked up some Irish Spring Intensify Body Wash.  Now I wasn't really influenced by the stupid commercials that take place in some fictional Ireland populated only with beautiful ginger women running wild in the hills.

My choice was based on three things:  it was cheap, it was soap, and it smelled okay.  I didn't really read the bottle, which, to be fair, says "cools and tingles to shock the senses".

The first time I showered with it, I poured some soap onto my hands.  When agitated, the soap emitted such a powerful smell that I had a coughing fit.  It's kind of like breathing in Vic's Vapor Rub, which if you're not expecting it goes straight to your brain.  I felt like I had a nose bleed.

So, next step was to actually use the soap.  Now, I should have payed attention to the bottle, because "cools and tingles" is like saying the Holocaust was just a bit of a skirmish.  It feels a bit like when you touch something so hot you can't tell if it's cold or hot anymore, you just want to GET IT OFF OF YOU.

When it hit my cock'n'balls the pain was horrible.  You'd think that when they were testing this soap, someone would have had to have tested it on their sensitive parts because, you know, people might want to wash those areas.  If they had tested it, they would have definitely scrapped the whole idea of this soap.

Whatever you do, though, do not use this soap after shaving.  Your face, your legs, your gents, anything you shave.  You might as well soap up with Satan's semen because your skin will burn with the fire of every acid in existence.

I'd rate this product at one flaming testicle.

Jumping Ponds: Birds, Irish Kid F-Bomb, and Love Monkeys

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 3/8/10.

This is a video from my trip with Sarah to Ireland. The first part is near a pond where we met some little Irish boys. One of them was the first person in the world to refer to me as "Hey Mister!" He then proceded to give me facts about the crane in the pond (which I didn't ask for, but he really wanted to show off his knowledge).  Ridiculously cute.

Then I heard him drop an f-bomb. Which is just hilarious. You can hear it in the video. He and his friends were feeding the birds while Sarah and I watched the scene from a Hitchcock movie that ensued.

Later on we went to the zoo where we witnessed the two monkeys that were totally in luurrvv. Very cute as well. Enjoy.