Jumping Ponds: Fresher's Address

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 9/20/2009

I just attended an address to all Freshers (the English version of Freshman). I can't tell you how spectacular it was.

There was a swine flu advisory, pyrotechnics, and a mascot named Easy Tiger. He is named Easy Tiger because he is a spokesman for safe drinking and sex. And he's a slut.

One would think you would pick a safer animal than a tiger to be the spokesperson for safe sex. Something like a sloth or a koala.

Truth is, I'm probably going to end up sleeping with this tiger. We all are. He's that easy.

Jumping Ponds: Almost America 1

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 9/19/2009

All the things in Britain that are just like America... almost.

Maybe British people aren't as fat because their chips remind them to walk instead of lay, or maybe "Lays" is more offensive of a term in England than it is in America. Incidentally, you can get sausages called "Bangers".

"SFC" stands for "Southern Fried Chicken". But one wonders, the southern part of where? England? Or America? Oddly enough, they also have KFC in Britain.

This is a picture of a barn dance in Britain. Essentially it's just like an American barn dance, except it doesn't take place in a barn, there is no keg, and no one dresses like a farmer. So minus all the things that make a barn dance a barn dance. But there was awful square dancing with a lot of awkward crashes. Joy.

Jumping Ponds: American Stereotypes

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 9/18/2009

So I just made friends from all over the world. Literally everywhere. Like Sri Lanka, Mexico, Canada, the UK, and even America.

So my new friends wanted to treat my American friend, Stefan, and I to pizza from the UK. That sounded fine to us. So they asked what kind of pizza we would like.

Stefan was like, "Pepperoni ok with you?" And of course I was like "YEAH!" (Well, maybe I exaggerate the enthusiasm, but you get the point.)

Everyone started laughing at us. They were like, "That is the most stereotypical American pizza you could possibly order." Apparently every American movie or show where pizza is being ordered, we pick pepperoni. But in other countries, this is not the first choice.

So we got a pepperoni pizza. They also ordered a Hawaiian pizza (pineapple and bacon) and a pizza with chicken and mushroom. Yeah, chicken and mushroom.

All the pizzas were great. Of course they weren't as good as authentic pizza from Chicago, but they were far far above any pizza chain like Papa John's or Domino's.

As for the stereotype that all Americans love pepperoni pizza, we'll call that one true.

Stay tuned for more stereotypes.

Shutting Down My Blog

Hello faithful minions.  I am taking this opportunity to inform you that I am shutting down my blog.

Wait.  Why are you crying?  Oh, no no no, honey.  Not this blog.  Dry your tears.  Jumping Brooks will continue on as usual.  I mean my other blog.  Jumping Ponds.

Hi fives.  For traveling.

As you may or may not know, I started another blog called Jumping Ponds when I studied abroad in England.  When I got back, it kind of fell out of use.  I tried to do different things with it, but in the end it went stagnant.  So I'm shutting it down.

Over the next few weeks I will be moving all of the posts from that blog to this one, one post per day.  I'll also be fixing some of the links and pictures that aren't working anymore.  I won't be linking the old posts to the Facebook fan page or my Twitter, so don't worry about spamming.  But if you want to re-live some of the memories with me, stop by once a day to see what's going on.  The first one will come later today.

So... um... sweet.  Let's murder a blog.

Making Fun of Korean Boy Bands

Remember boy bands?  Me neither.  Like many of you, I've forced those memories into oblivion.  But it seems that boy bands live on in a mystical place known as South Korea.

Actual Starcraft Tournament.
Not a joke.

With 10 confirmed members (at times having up to 13), Super Junior is a South Korean boy band bound to become an unstoppable, homoerotic army that spreads destruction and K-Pop like a swarm of sexy Zerglings on a Terran base.  Yes, that's a Starcraft joke.  Because Koreans love Starcraft.


With songs like "Mr. Simple", they've already proved they can master saying the letter "L".  What's next?  Flying through the air with hand rockets?

Yup.

My only solution is to make fun of them one by one in the Kim Jong-illest way possible (I know that's North Korea, but I'm out of Starcraft jokes).  Here we go.

It may look like he stands out, but this guy would be in perfect camouflage for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air opening credits.

I'm pretty sure this is South Korea's colorful, feathery answer to Robert Smith from The Cure.

Is that guy wearing a tube top?  Yep.  Does that guy have blonde bangs?  Yep.  Is that even a guy? ... Not convinced.

I'm sorry officer, I was just trying to OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL?  Did I just get pulled over by a cheetah-policeman in fishnet stockings?

"Listen, Korean Superman.  We understand if you forget your costume one time.  But when you keep showing up to crime scenes naked... I can see your bulge, dude.  There are kids here.  Seriously."

Okay, now don't look.  But there is something... DON'T LOOK!  There is something on your head... and it's... OH DEAR GOD IT'S EATING HIM!

I have found Carmen Sandiego.  Turns out she is a blonde South Korean man with no eyes.  I seriously have no idea why it took so long to find her.  Probably the most conspicuous person I've ever seen.

Remember that scene in Home Alone when Joe Pesci walks in the door and a blow torch lights his head on fire?  This is the Korean re-enactment of that scene.  And it's pretty much spot-on.

Every boy band needs that working class guy who appeals to farmers by wearing a cow hat.  And this guy just screams blue collar, manly-man's man, man.

I'm glad to see the lady from The Weakest Link is still getting work.  But she's still known as the "bitchy" one.






You pepper random English words into your songs to be trendy and expect me to not make fun of what you wear?  Not on my watch.

Like it on Facebook.

Recession-Proof Your Life

The economy is in shambles.  It's tough to find financial security in times like these.  Lucky for you, I'm here with some more advice.  I'll tell you exactly how to take your money, cram it down Uncle Sam's star-spangled throat, and watch as he Chocolate-Rains an even greater fortune into your life.

You may be wondering, "Why should I take economic advice from a guy who doesn't have a job?"  Well once again, I have predicted exactly what you were thinking, so check and mate.  I accept your surrender.

Here are some tips to help you ride the recession tsunami on a yacht of financial security without even spilling your Kool-Aid.  (Purple-flavored, of course.)

Above:  Economical and fashionable

-Buy gold.  The value of any type of currency fluctuates, and buying gold is the first step to becoming a famous rapper.  Rap is recession-proof, and a surefire way to keep makin' papers.

-Get a job with benefits.  Jobs with benefits are not like friends with benefits, unless you're a hooker.  Except in either case a doctor might grope and put stuff inside of you.  So I guess that's some kind of benefit.

-Buy low, sell high.  In case you didn't know, the stock market is mostly controlled by wishes and Dr. Seuss type nonsense.  So selling when you're high might actually work better for you.

Wingdanglers up 30 points!

-Spend within your means.  America didn't become the powerful country it is by spending way more money than it could possibly ever pay back.  Wait, it did?  We're trillions of dollars in debt and our credit rating dropped?  Well then...

-Spend beyond your means.  America didn't become the powerful country it is by letting something like an empty piggy bank stop it.  Buy the mansion you can't afford.  You deserve it.  And you'll pay it back someday... maybe... probably not...

-Take advantage of low interest rates.  I'm not sure what that means or how to do it.  I've seen it on several commercials, so I assume it's sound financial advice.

I'm so lonely.

-Write your congressman.  He's lonely, and he misses you.

-Always have a Plan B.  Life is expensive enough without an unwanted pregnancy, so keep a Plan B pill around just in case.

I accept thanks in the form of check, cash, and money order.  It is a recession, after all, and advice this good rarely comes this cheap.

Like it on Facebook.

First Blog Post MASHUP!

Some of you may be fans of my Conversing is Fun series.  Some of you may be fans of my I Answer Stupid Questions series.  But for those of you who are fans of both, prepare to have your mind blown right out of your butt.

Omegle now has a feature where someone can ask two strangers a question, then spy on them while they converse about it.  That's right.  I can now answer stupid questions while conversing with strangers!  It's my first ever blog post mashup, and it's going to be the greatest mashup since chocolate met peanut butter.

Without further ado, let's converse some stupid questions!

Blue Box Blues, baby.  It's the cheesiest.

Honk you, goose.

TRANSFORM!

Like it on Facebook.