Work, Where Business Happens

I have a job.  It's not exactly the job of my dreams, but it ain't terrible and it pays alright.  Office jobs can be monotonous.  It's enough to make you go a little crazy.  But that's irrelevant.  I'm still perfectly sane.  Here's a tour of my office.

This is my cubicle.  It's where business happens.

This is my staple remover.  His name is Jaws.  He helps me do business.

This is the copier.  Her name is Minerva.  She does lots of business with me.

These are the boxes where I pack business that used to happen.

This is my stamp.  I call him Justice.  He gives me most of my power and authority, essential components for business.

This is my letter opener.  His name is Slippy.  Business can't start unless all letters are open.

This is the break room.  Business doesn't happen here.  J/K!  Business never stops.  You should learn that.  Now.  Learn it.

This is my phone.  He's new, so I haven't named him.  But he'll start making business happen soon enough.

This is my hole punch.  I call him Falcon.  Then when I use him I yell "FALCON PUUUUNCH!"  And when people ask what I'm doing, I say "Business".  The stapler and I aren't on speaking terms.


See?  Working in an office doesn't make you go crazy.  But the one thing I can't figure out is why the heck FedEx won't let me ship my blood!

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Recession-Proof Your Life

The economy is in shambles.  It's tough to find financial security in times like these.  Lucky for you, I'm here with some more advice.  I'll tell you exactly how to take your money, cram it down Uncle Sam's star-spangled throat, and watch as he Chocolate-Rains an even greater fortune into your life.

You may be wondering, "Why should I take economic advice from a guy who doesn't have a job?"  Well once again, I have predicted exactly what you were thinking, so check and mate.  I accept your surrender.

Here are some tips to help you ride the recession tsunami on a yacht of financial security without even spilling your Kool-Aid.  (Purple-flavored, of course.)

Above:  Economical and fashionable

-Buy gold.  The value of any type of currency fluctuates, and buying gold is the first step to becoming a famous rapper.  Rap is recession-proof, and a surefire way to keep makin' papers.

-Get a job with benefits.  Jobs with benefits are not like friends with benefits, unless you're a hooker.  Except in either case a doctor might grope and put stuff inside of you.  So I guess that's some kind of benefit.

-Buy low, sell high.  In case you didn't know, the stock market is mostly controlled by wishes and Dr. Seuss type nonsense.  So selling when you're high might actually work better for you.

Wingdanglers up 30 points!

-Spend within your means.  America didn't become the powerful country it is by spending way more money than it could possibly ever pay back.  Wait, it did?  We're trillions of dollars in debt and our credit rating dropped?  Well then...

-Spend beyond your means.  America didn't become the powerful country it is by letting something like an empty piggy bank stop it.  Buy the mansion you can't afford.  You deserve it.  And you'll pay it back someday... maybe... probably not...

-Take advantage of low interest rates.  I'm not sure what that means or how to do it.  I've seen it on several commercials, so I assume it's sound financial advice.

I'm so lonely.

-Write your congressman.  He's lonely, and he misses you.

-Always have a Plan B.  Life is expensive enough without an unwanted pregnancy, so keep a Plan B pill around just in case.

I accept thanks in the form of check, cash, and money order.  It is a recession, after all, and advice this good rarely comes this cheap.

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