Bump-Bump-Bump-Bumpit™ Up!

It's easy to blame MTV's The Jersey Shore for a lot of things. Racism, stupidity, sexism, abs. But perhaps most unforgivable of transgressions is the popularization of the Bumpit™.

No, the Bumpit™ is not a kinky sex move. It's a glorified hair band that makes it look like there's a giant malignant tumor on your head. If you don't know what I mean take a look at Snooki. On second thought, hers might actually be a tumor.

Best of all, the Bumpit™ website has testimonials. That's right, people who actually took the time to explain how the Bumpit™ has changed their lives. But what is interesting about these testimonials is that they don't really say anything positive about the product.

For example, one lady wrote, "Almost immediately they noticed our model." Not, "they loved the model" or "everyone complimented the turtle shell of hair on her head". Just "they noticed". Of course they did. She probably looked like John Merrick.

Also, note that this quote is from "P.K., Beauty Buyer, Large Corp." Ah yes, Large Corp. Where they make all the larges. Someone should trustbust that monopoly. I'm tired of buying larges from only one corporation.

Ladies, the sooner you can get it through your heads that the Bumpit™ is a ridiculous piece of headwear, the sooner we can get this country back on track.

Ashes to Ashes, Forehead to Toast

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, so I got up early to go to church and get some ashes on my forehead... bahahahaha. Kidding. Totally kidding. Come on. I'd burst into flames if something holy touched me.

But I did do laundry yesterday, and I like to think that Jesus was a fan of fresh linens.

Now I don't mean to make fun of Catholics. After all, I was baptized Catholic. But here we go.

So the priest has to spread ashes in the sign of the cross on people's foreheads on Ash Wednesday. He probably does it all morning, and over a lifetime probably does it hundreds and maybe thousands of times. So why in the name of Xenu does everyone look like they fell head first into their morning burnt toast?

It's a simple shape. Just a +, right? And these guys should be experts. Like the Da Vincis of crosses. But everyone just looks like they took a knock to the forehead from Ali's knuckles.

I'm not saying people shouldn't get ashes on their forehead. I can totally see the benefits. Like you could probably wear whatever you want that day. It doesn't matter how stupid you look because everyone will be focused on that black mark on your noggin. All I'm saying is that maybe these priests should take an art class at the community college. Like fingerpainting 101 or something?