My Christmas Blog To You

A short blog post for Christmas just for you people going online in the other room to avoid being with the family.

When I was at my aunt's house for Christmas I saw this book in the bathroom.

Plan B?  If God had that we wouldn't be celebrating this holiday.  Amiright?

'Cause it's birth control.  He wouldn't have had a baby.  Get it?  Plan B?

Ah, well.  Merry Christmas, Christians.



Facebook it.

OMG You So Stupid!

Ever hear people complaining that youngsters, especially American kids, can't identify such and such on a map?  Old people love to do this.  Then they wave that fact around like it proves the sad state of our knowledge of the rest of the world.

But that's not the problem.  The problem is, why can't people just read a freaking map?  There are words on most maps, right?  Ask me to identify Zimbabwe on a map.  Well there it is, under the word "Zimbabwe".  This seems more like a literacy problem than an ignorance problem.

If you took the words off a map, I couldn't identify the state of Delaware, let alone a tiny country on the other side of the planet.  Yes, I know which ones are Russia and China because they're big.  I know Australia because it's a continent with one country of the same name.  I know Italy because it's shaped like a stripper boot.  I know Canada because it's America's hat and Mexico because it's America's pants.  Beyond that, I'm mostly clueless.

Is a lack of geographical knowledge really so tragic in this day and age?  You can ask an old person to point to a country on a map, or you could ask a young person to do a google search.  In the time it takes the old guy to raise his boney, decrepit finger to point to the map, I could give you satellite imagery, road maps, and travel plans to anywhere in the entire world, and maybe even the moon.

I'm not saying Americans aren't ignorant of other cultures.  Hell, we went to war with Iraq because we thought it was the same thing as Afghanistan.  But really, who makes maps without words on them?  And, who would buy those maps?  Isn't that the point of a map?  To identify stuff?

 

Follow Jumping Brooks on Facebook.

Excuse Me, There is a Fly in My Unknown Lizard

It's a headline right out of the Simcity news ticker.  Scientists discovered an unknown species of lizard being served in a restaraunt in Vietnam.  Yeah, Vietnam serves lizards.  Luckily in America we have real food.

A scientist recognized that the lizards that were being served were all female.  So he called his American scientist friend and told the restaraunt owner to put some lizards to the side for study.  Which he agreed to do.  And then he got drunk and cooked the lizards up for his customers (that's not a joke, he did that).

So the scientists paid some local kids to find some more lizards for them because this is science, damn it!  Only the most sophisticated data collection can be used.  And Vietnamese children work cheap.

Well, the scientists found out that the reason all the lizards were female is because they reproduce by cloning themselves.  All the lizards are direct clones of their mothers.  They aren't the only creatures with that ability, but it sure is neato.

You may be thinking that the Vietnamese should stop eating these lizards.  You know, for science and all.  But anyone who has seen a Godzilla movie can tell you that if Asians aren't eating lizards, lizards are eating Asians.

Oh, that's Japan, you say?  It's not the same as Vietnam, you say?  Well good for you.  Next time you see an Asian you can tell him that you're one of the "good" white people.  Maybe he'll share his lizard dinner with you.



For updates, pics, videos, and other cool stuff go to Jumping Brooks on Facebook and click the "like" button.

CA I Love You, But You're Bringing Me Down

Hey California.  I think we need to talk.

We've had some great times.  Remember when you gave us Tupac and West Coast rap?  And Disneyland?  So many good memories.

But I feel like we've grown apart these last few years.  To be honest, we made a lot of excuses for you.  Like when you elected Arnold Schwarzenegger governor.  We thought you were trying to be hipster-ironic.  And it was pretty funny.  The Terminator?  What's up with that?

Even when you voted on Prop 8.  I mean, you have San Fransisco, the gayest place in the universe.  We were confused, but maybe it was just self-depricating humor.  Like "Ha ha, I'm so gay I couldn't possibly be with just one other man".

But you've gone too far with voting no on Prop 19.  California, I thought we were cool.  You were willing to allow people to get medical marijuana.  But you're standing in the way of stoners?  Who make up one fourth of your population?  And yes, I did make that number up for the sake of this blog.

California, I'm sorry, but I think we have to break up.  I feel like we're drifting further and further apart.  Literally, the San Andreas fault is moving us further and further apart.

You can keep Hollywood.  We'll find a way to adjust.  I'm sure you'll bounce back, too.  I hear Mexico is nice this time of year.  I'm sure they'd be happy to take you back.

We're keeping the rap, though.

For updates, pics, videos, and other cool stuff go to Jumping Brooks on Facebook and click the "like" button.

Love Mine

Remember those Chilean miners that were stuck underground when the mine collapsed?  No?  Seriously, get outside, you lazy stoner.

Well they have been rescued after 69 days of being trapped underground.  It's a truly inspiring story of human survival and cooperation.  Only a heart of stone wouldn't be touched by their stories.

Like one survivor who the other miners nicknamed "the doctor".  He was a trained paramedic who went around taking care of the others, giving them flu shots, etc.  You might be thinking, "What a wonderful person he is."

Hang on.

Apparently while he was trapped underground, his wife was waiting anxiously at the surface of the site, hoping her husband would emerge safe and sound.  His mistress, however, was doing the same thing.  Yeah, his mistress.  Wife and mistress met and began to fight over the good doctor.  Eventually his wife said that she would be staying with her husband, despite the appearance of this third wheel.

Great.  The doctor was alive.  His wife still loved him and wanted to be with him after finding out about his infidelity.  And he was well on the way to being rescued.  Everything turned out for the best.

Hang on.

The doctor sent word to the surface that when he was rescued, he wanted both his wife and mistress to be present to greet him.  Yeah.  He actually did that.

I don't know if the mine was producing some sort of stupid gas or something.  Seriously, guy.  Did you think this disaster entitled you to a menage trois?  Actually, if it doesn't I don't know what does.

His mistress showed up to greet him.  His wife did not.  She's leaving him.

Thing is, FOUR OTHER MINERS had mistresses waiting for them at the surface.  Speculation is that many are trying to get their hands on the compensation money and the fortune that will come from selling their story after their rescue.

But the real surprise of this story:  Who knew that miners got so much action?  I would think you'd have to be a professional golfer or a talk show host or a politician to pull off this kind of pimp-itude.

Gay Dinosaurs

Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur that is related to the triceratops. It has fifteen horns and is called Kosmoceratops.

Just look at this guy. He looks like he'd be named Kosmo, or at least he looks like someone who would order a Cosmo at a bar.

According to Fox News, scientists say "most of the horns were used to attract mates and intimidate rivals of the same species". Yeah, if those mates were other dude Kosmoceratopses and those rivals were Republicans.

I'm not saying this dinosaur is gay, but look at those horns. Do they look like they could possibly inflict damage? They're all turned downward and look like they'd snap like twigs if they tried to stab something. The thing is just peacocking. And in totally flamboyant fashion.

This of course comes after the news that David Yost, the Blue Power Ranger, whose mascot was the triceratops, just came out as gay. Is every horned dinosaur gay? Without question.

The fossils were found in Utah, which means it died there. This just proves that even in the prehistoric age of the dinosaurs, Utah has not been friendly to the gays.

This is all based on stereotypes of course. But everyone at least has a little gaydar. Come on, doesn't this guy make the needle twitch just a bit?

There Were, Like, THIS Many

If you don't pay any attention to anything anymore, then you might not know that Glenn Beck, conservative talk radio personality and crazy person on television, held a rally to "restore honor" to America. No easy task for a country that invented the krispy kream doughnut bacon cheeseburger.

And to drive home the point, he scheduled the rally for the same place, the Lincoln Memorial, on the same date that Martin Luther King Jr. gave his "I Have a Dream" speech. He claims that he didn't know it was the same date. You might say, "What kind of god dang idiot wouldn't check up on something like that?", but let's be honest. This is Glenn Beck. Racist extrordinaire.

And how did this rally honor King's memory? By fighting for equality, human rights, dignity for all people? Nope. Lower taxes.

But the hilarity doesn't stop there. CBS News commissioned an independent company to analyze images from the rally to determine how many people showed up to the event. After a scientific analysis of the data backed by years of experience, the company said that 87,000 people showed up with a margin of error of 9,000. That was the generous estimate.

Sarah Palin said there must have been over 100,000 people. Glenn Beck said there must have been over 500,000 people. His proof? He took a picture from the Washington Monument and put it on his show and told his viewers to look for themselves. Doesn't it LOOK like that many? There's tons of people. Come on, there can't be less than, like, a bajillion, right?

The company that analyzed the images said that taking Glenn's photo and making an estimate based on that is "like trying to guess how many people are in a line by just looking at them through a doorway".

This has happened all throughout history. Even in the bible there are stories about armies in the hundreds of thousands attacking cities when even the biggest cities at the time barely would have had a million people (the population of the whole world didn't even reach one billion until the 1800s). That is either a staggering percentage of the population devoted to being military personel or a completely inaccurate record made by some guy who was like "Aw man, did you see that? Must have been a million guys with armor and swords and stuff. Write that down. A million. Sounds good."

When you're in the moment, it seems like there are a ton of people with you. They sweat, and stink, and breathe on you, and push, and shove, and whine, and complain. Humans are very good at being a far bigger annoyance than they seem capable of. Glenn Beck is a perfect example of this.

So let Glenn tell you what it feels like, I'll take my facts extra-sciencey please. Maybe I'm in the wrong. After all, what has science given us but the internet and the vaccine for polio?

4 Movies That Are Better if You Approach Them Differently

Some movies are awesome, and some are terrible. But even a terrible movie can be made better if you approach it differently. The following movies are not all abominations, nor are they all masterpieces. But if you approach them in a way that is different than what was probably intended, they become far better. If you've seen them already, watch them again with a different attitude and you'll see what I mean.

Twilight: This definitely fits in the category of "abomination" if you approach it in the way the advertisements would make you believe. They say it's a teenage romantic-horror-drama or some such nonsense.

The way you should approach it? As a comedy. The copious amounts of awkward staring, the stupid voiceovers, the ridiculous dialogue, and the obvious pandering to a certain audience (ahem, awkward teenage girls) are hilarious if you accept that it is meant to be funny. If you don't believe me, watch the scene where Bella gets on Edwards back and they go running up the mountain. It's comedic genius. And indeed the entire movie would be a work of genius if it were intended to be a comedy.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off: This is not an abomination. In fact, it is one of the greatest teen movies of the 80s, and perhaps all time. And if you approach it in the way it was intended to be approached, as a comedy, you will enjoy it. But...

The way you should approach it? As a psychological thriller. One of the fan theories surrounding this movie is that Ferris is the product of Cameron's imagination. If you think about it, Ferries convinces Cameron to get out of bed, break out of his shell, and confront his overbearing father in the course of one day. He is the opposite of Cameron; popular, fun, successful with women, and the entire town seems to rally behind him when he gets "sick". The fact that he is, perhaps, Cameron's alter-ego is not so difficult to believe if you watch the movie with this theory in mind. And it makes a great teen comedy into a film with depth and meaning.

2012: If you watch this movie as an apocolyptic thriller, the way it was most likely intended, you will realize what a piece of garbage it is. Yes, there is some entertainment value in the senseless destruction of the earth and the constant suspenseful moments. But the whole movie is a cliched premise with cliched dialogue and cliche moral lessons. You might assume at the beginning of the movie that the girl who wets the bed will overcome her embarrassing problem, that the main character's divorced wife will get back together with him after her new husband is killed, and that the bad people will all be dead by the end. And indeed you would be right.

The way you should approach it? As a parody. The cliches are so incredibly obvious that you can't help but find humor in them. It's like they just took lines from all apocolyptic and catastrophic thrillers and recycled them into one movie. My favorite was when some scientist says something along the lines of, "For all our advanced scientific equipment, we couldn't predict what the Mayans did thousands of years ago". Oh, the hubris of man. To think that our science makes us invulnerable. Surely the heavens must open up and teach us a lesson in humility. And they do. And that is why this movie is hilarious. The predictability has to be a parody of all these movies. Laughing at this movie is the only way to make it tollerable.

Inception: Okay, we get it. The guy who directed The Dark Knight, with almost the exact same cast of actors, made another great movie. Big freaking deal. And it has an ending that is a bit ambiguous and will keep you thinking for a long time. Woop-de-doo. You know it's a good movie, I know it's a good movie, so let's approach it this way...

The way you should approach it? Watch it, spend one night talking about it with your friends, then NEVER talk about it again. I'm so sick of the speculation about the ending, the fan theories, and all the stupid conversations about how you had that dream that one time where you woke up and you were still dreaming. Oh my God, put a bullet right in my cerebellum before you talk about this movie to me again. Seriously, I get it. It's fun to speculate and bring your own ideas to the plot. That's why I allow for one night of talking it over. But seriously, as an English major I have to analyze things all the time, and your analysis is probably (no offense) pretty basic and far less interesting to everyone else than you believe. Watch it, talk about it, write about it in your diary, then shut up and leave it alone. You are ruining a good movie for me and everyone else.

Watch these films again in the way I am telling you to. There will be no need to get down on your knees and worship me in thanks, just post a comment. And know that you are welcome. You are welcome.

Like a Bandit

Every see a movie like Heist or Ocean's Eleven and think "No way that could happen in real life"?

Guess again, sucker. According to USA Today, four armed robbers made off with millions of dollars from a company responsible for resupplying ATMs throughout the midwest. The best part? No hostages, no violence, and no turning on each other because someone is planning on getting out of the game (cuz once you're in, ain't no getting out).

These god dang ninja-vikings pulled up in a homemade armored van (for only the most serious soccer moms), snuck in behind one of the workers and disarmed him, then waited for the next employee to show up because they knew it takes two codes to open the vault. They packed up the money, left the employees in the vault, and drove off like freaking Road Warriors.

I'm not saying a life of crime is a good thing. But who hasn't had the thought that if it weren't for the whole getting caught and gunned down in a blaze of glory thing, robbing a bank would be awesome. And indeed it is awesome, as these mysterious masters of banditry proved.

Suspects include George Clooney, the ghost of Robin Hood, and Nightcrawler from X-Men.

In My Family, We Don't Need Fireworks

On the 4th of July, many families like to blow off fireworks in celebration. My family doesn't need to. Why, you ask? Well because we are perfectly capable of getting seriously injured and destroying stuff without them.

My aunt, who has a bad knee to begin with, came to our 4th party. So already she was having trouble getting around. But her family decided to bring their 120-150 pound dog, who has torn both of his ACLs and has been knocking on death's door for a solid 3 years to the party. Meanwhile, my dog, a dog of the same age but much smaller and more lively, is in attendence with a 7 month old puppy that my other family members brought.

So old, big dog needs his medicine, which my aunt sticks in a piece of cheese to feed to him. Of course the other two dogs jump for it, and the big dog, sensing he might lose the opportunity to chomp some cheddar, snaps at it, biting my aunt to the bone. The wound became infected. So not only is she on one leg, but now she has only one hand to operate with.

Not long after she got home from the party we got a call from her. She will be starting a new antibiotic regiment in the hopes of avoiding surgery on her hand. In the mean time, my cousin (her son) left his bike in the garage and didn't pull it in far enough. So the garage door slammed down on it, crushing the new bike and somehow blowing out all of the windows in the garage (don't bother to ask me how, I have no idea).

Meanwhile, my other cousin (my aunts daughter) calls from a police station in Madison. Apparently she lost her purse and someone has been using her debit card all night.

So my family managed to injur a hand, destroy a bike and several windows, and lose a lot of money without fireworks. A happy 4th of July indeed.

Angelo and Damon: FB IRL

Just a little comic I made. Enjoy.

Lern 2 Spel, Dooshbag!

Protests serve many purposes. The Civil Rights leaders protested against racism and inequality. The people of Iran protested an election they believed to be unfair. Tea partiers protest tea, or something.

.

Yes, there are a great many worthy causes to protest for. But perhaps none so worthy as the cause that protestors outside of the Scripps National Spelling Bee in Washington are fighting for. They are simply asking that we change the spelling of words.

Yeah, there is an oil spill that is destroying all life in the Gulf, America is still at war, and Lady Gaga is still producing "music". But all of those tragedies of the day don't compare to our need to simplify the spelling of words that have been a part of our language for hundreds of years.

Nevermind the fact that thousands of texts in English exist across the globe that would have to be re-printed. Nevermind having to learn your own language all over again. Nevermind the fact that every dictionary in existence would be outdated. Our kids are failing spelling tests! Well, except for those nerds at the spelling bee.

A worthy cause indeed, protestors. Perhaps we could use all of those useless dictionaries to soak up the oil spill. And stuff Lady Gaga in the pipe for good measure. Brilliant.

Be a fan on facebook!

Dude, I Am So Hungry

After smoking weed, everyone has the same two questions on his or her mind. Where can I get some food, and how can I get it with the least amount of effort on my part? Well you may or may not know that chefs get high, too. Where do they go when the inevitable attack of the munchies rages through their body like super-gonorrhea?

Well it turns out, according to the New York Times, that there are entire groups of restaurants designed for chefs who are a bit stoned. Yep, stoned chefs cooking for other stoned chefs because, well, they're stoned.

I can just imagine a conversation between chef and chef at one of these restaurants:

Chef 1: This is delicious. What is it?

Chef 2: Oh that's a deep-fried hot pocket slathered in barbeque sauce and served over my specially seasoned Doritos casserole.

Chef 1: Mmm, delectible. Is this a grilled gyro inside of a steak burrito with...

Chef 2: That's right, pure ranch dressing. Because everyone knows a stoner can't live without ranch dressing.

Chef 1: Fantastico!

Cooking for stoners has to be one of the easiest jobs there is. Plus you can charge anything. Stoners don't care what they're paying, as long as you offer delivery.

This has been an anti-drug PSA by the Jumping Brooks Foundation for a Sober Tomorrow.

.

.

PS. Jumping Brooks now has a fan page on facebook. Search for "Jumping Brooks: A Blog You Should Blog About" and click the "like" button to be a fan.

Seacrest, Out?

Just wondering, do you find this ad as creepy as I do? "Yes, send Seacrest clips of your children. Seacrest loves them. Mwahahahaha."

How the Census Changed My Opinion on Health Care

As anyone who lives in this country can tell you, the U.S. Census is a racist questionaire form that each citizen is forced to fill out. Even homeless people. My friend worked for the U.S. Census and said that in order to get the homeless on record, they drove around in a van at night and shined flashlights on any drifter on the street, saying, "Hey, can we ask you a few questions?"

Of course, most run away. If someone jumped out of a van and shined a flashlight at me trying to ask questions I'd run, too. (This is not a joke, it's the actual way they do it.)

But it was my experience with the U.S. Census that has changed my opinion on health care. My roommate filled out the form and sent it in. 2 weeks later, we recieved the form again. My roommate filled it in a second time and sent it in. 2 weeks later, a census person showed up at our door and sat down with my roommate and filled it in. 2 weeks after that, a census person showed up again and filled the form out with me. 1 week later (today) I got a phone call from the census person asking me even more questions.

Thats five times we've filled out this stupid form. And everyone knows the only thing they care about is whether or not you're Latino. So when they asked me about my roommate's ethnicity, I had to say he was half Puerto Rican, which made me feel like I was outing him to the government.

I was all for universal health care. I'd love to have socialized medicine. But now that I've seen how incredibly poorly the government runs a stupid little 10 question form, I can't see how they wouldn't mess up health care.

Hey Census people, I'M WHITE! QUIT ASKING!

Suck It, Nature!

If you have allergies, then I don't need to tell you this is one of the worst allergy seasons on record in the country.

If you can manage to read this through your tear-filled eyes and booger-laden tissues, congratulations. The fact is that the trees and plants, much like in Shyamalan's The Happening, are trying to murder us.

This is the latest in a long line of attacks by nature on humanity. Volcanoes, global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, Lady Gaga, swine flu, the list of forces of nature that can and will kill you is on the rise.

My solution: stop breathing out. Plants need CO2 to survive, right? Well lets see how they like it when we stop spewing it from our lungs. Take that, nature!

Volcanoes? Just throw a virgin or two in them. Anime Central is coming up and I'm sure we can find a more than enough specimens to satisfy the bloodlust of volcanoes. Global warming? Well, since you stopped breathing there won't be any more CO2, which means no more global warming. That's what we call a classic two-birds-one-stone scenario.

Earthquakes? According to muslim cleric Sedighi, women showing too much cleavage causes earthquakes. So cover them up ladies.

On second thought, I think we can live with earthquakes.

Come Fly With Me... Or Whatever, I Guess

The FAA just said it will allow depressed pilots who are on antidepressants to fly again.

Why wouldn't you want your depressed pilot to be on antidepressants? Can you imagine flying with a depressed pilot who wasn't medicated?

"We'll be flying at 32,000 feet today, which luckily no one is going to be limping away from if we crash. An oxygen mask will come down, but why bother? It's all pointless anyway. The bag will appear to be empty... like my soul... but air will still come through. But really, we all have to die sometime. So might as well just suffocate and die. Meh. See you in hell."

No thank you. I'll take my pilots highly medicated please. Anything you can do to keep them happy and wanting to live is fine with me.

It's All In A Name

A killer whale killed its trainer at SeaWorld last week in front of a full audience. This has led to speculation about how this tragedy could have been prevented, but no one has suggested the obvious. Stop calling them KILLER WHALES!

Are you going to leave your kid in a room alone with some guy named Muderer Von Kiddierape? No, of course not. Chances are good he's a murderer and/or kiddie rapist.

No one gets killed by the bottlenose dolphin. Do you know why? Because we call them bottlenose! They hear that and think, "Well I'm not going to mess with humans. They just make fun of my nose."

Do you know what the killer whale thinks when he hears us call him a killer whale? He thinks, "I have to kill someone." It's basic psychology.

Sad thing is, this particular whale has already been involved in two other killings. That means this is a serial killer whale. So it's time we start taking it serial and change its name to something like "cowface" whale, or "fatty-fat-fat". If you put someone down enough, there's no way he's going to snap and start killing people... right?

Bump-Bump-Bump-Bumpit™ Up!

It's easy to blame MTV's The Jersey Shore for a lot of things. Racism, stupidity, sexism, abs. But perhaps most unforgivable of transgressions is the popularization of the Bumpit™.

No, the Bumpit™ is not a kinky sex move. It's a glorified hair band that makes it look like there's a giant malignant tumor on your head. If you don't know what I mean take a look at Snooki. On second thought, hers might actually be a tumor.

Best of all, the Bumpit™ website has testimonials. That's right, people who actually took the time to explain how the Bumpit™ has changed their lives. But what is interesting about these testimonials is that they don't really say anything positive about the product.

For example, one lady wrote, "Almost immediately they noticed our model." Not, "they loved the model" or "everyone complimented the turtle shell of hair on her head". Just "they noticed". Of course they did. She probably looked like John Merrick.

Also, note that this quote is from "P.K., Beauty Buyer, Large Corp." Ah yes, Large Corp. Where they make all the larges. Someone should trustbust that monopoly. I'm tired of buying larges from only one corporation.

Ladies, the sooner you can get it through your heads that the Bumpit™ is a ridiculous piece of headwear, the sooner we can get this country back on track.

Ashes to Ashes, Forehead to Toast

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, so I got up early to go to church and get some ashes on my forehead... bahahahaha. Kidding. Totally kidding. Come on. I'd burst into flames if something holy touched me.

But I did do laundry yesterday, and I like to think that Jesus was a fan of fresh linens.

Now I don't mean to make fun of Catholics. After all, I was baptized Catholic. But here we go.

So the priest has to spread ashes in the sign of the cross on people's foreheads on Ash Wednesday. He probably does it all morning, and over a lifetime probably does it hundreds and maybe thousands of times. So why in the name of Xenu does everyone look like they fell head first into their morning burnt toast?

It's a simple shape. Just a +, right? And these guys should be experts. Like the Da Vincis of crosses. But everyone just looks like they took a knock to the forehead from Ali's knuckles.

I'm not saying people shouldn't get ashes on their forehead. I can totally see the benefits. Like you could probably wear whatever you want that day. It doesn't matter how stupid you look because everyone will be focused on that black mark on your noggin. All I'm saying is that maybe these priests should take an art class at the community college. Like fingerpainting 101 or something?

Devil Went Down To Illinois

Few people are still around who remember way back to 2008. It was a simpler time for the students at the University of Illinois. A girl could stumble drunkenly through the streets with fairly little chance of incident. But something was missing. Edible dorm food.

So the students of U of I made a deal with the devil, and the devil provided them with the ultimate evil: California Medley Soup. If you doubt it's evil-ness, taste it. It might as well be the devil's own semen because nothing that delicious could possibly be any less evil.

Shortly after that, the earthquake came. A devastating 5.4 on the richter scale, it shook windows and doors really loudly. The death toll hasn't even been estimated to this date.

For the university, it has been a downhill spiral from there. The school has been rocked by scandal, and many of those in charge are still being investigated. Crime rates have skyrocketed, even taking place in broad daylight.

Pat Robertson is getting a lot of criticism for suggesting that Haiti's troubles are rooted in a deal that Haitian slaves made with the devil in order to end French rule in the country. But we students at U of I know the truth. The only way Pat Robertson could possibly know about this: Pat Robertson IS the devil!

AHHHHH! How about that for a Shyamalan twist?

Click here to donate to the Red Cross and help the relief effort in Haiti.

Drugs In SPAAAAAAACE

A maintenance worker in the hangar of the space shuttle Discovery found a bag of cocaine outside of the men's room. Reportedly, this is all part of NASA's plan to cut costs in this troubled economy. It's cheaper to buy everyone a dime bag and make them think they are in space than actually paying to send people into space.

This calls into question every other space mission NASA has been a part of. Did we really land on the moon, or was everyone involved just stoned? The late sixties were a time of tremendous drug experimentation. Maybe Neil and Buzz just crashed into the Rockies and felt like there was less gravity. Astronauts on the moon certainly walk like they're coked out.

And that water that scientists found on the moon? Who's to say that someone didn't just have a coke sneeze on a monitor and thought it was water?

Of course, it could all be an alien conspiracy to smuggle drugs off the planet. That could also be why they are probing our anals, to see how much blow we can hide up there.

And no, I wasn't stoned when I wrote this.

No Long Haired Freaky Deaky People

Delinquency is like virginity. It needs to be wiped out fast and hard, and the younger the better. But how young is too young? How about 4 years old? (I mean for delinquency, not virginity... yeah.)

Well 4 is old enough for school suspension, according to a school district in a suburb of Dallas. The school suspended a boy from his pre-k class for wearing his hair too long. This has put the boy in a hairy situation. OH MY GOD! HAHAHAH! GET IT? A HAIRY SITUATION? Someone call Conan and tell him I'm available if he needs new writers when he goes to Fox!

I applaud the efforts of the school district. How many times have you seen a pretty lady sitting in front of you only to find out when she turns around that it's a MAN. Plus, if that kid gets close to a jet engine, his head will be sucked in like beer into a Shamwow.

We have to stop this kind of behavior early. Perhaps if someone had taken the Jonas Brothers' virginity early on, no one would care about them and we'd all be better off. Wait... what was this post about?

The Sexiness of Toaster Ovens

With all the debate going on about gay marriage, Quiznos continues to push the borders with their campaign for human-toaster relationships.

We all remember the controversial commercial when the Quiznos toaster oven demanded that a man "put it in me", referring seductively to a sandwich. It seems Quiznos has done it again with a new commercial in which the sex-hungry toaster suggests that it and a woman "run away together" because it has a "long extension cord".

People, I don't feel like I need to explain the dangers of sexual relationships between people and toaster ovens. The one-man-one-woman relationship serves the important function of reproduction. The only thing a relationship with a toaster oven will produce is burnt genitals.

If we all fall in love with toaster ovens, our civilization is doomed to fall. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Kenmore.

By the way, this is the funniest Quiznos commercial I've seen since the Quiznos rats: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOkoA9aBkuw