Jumping Ponds: Almost America 2

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 9/26/2009

Here's some more stuff that tried so hard and just barely failed at being American.

Best of British Burgers and Chips? I'll have you know that Burgers are a staple of the AMERICAN diet. And they're called Freedom Fries, not chips. Bloody fools.

No colors added, but there's a "U" added instead.

It's not a condom. It's ice cream. For your penis.

Around the 1950's, England changed all the "I"s in the country to "Y"s. Yt's true.

They'rrrrre pretty good!

Jumping Ponds: A Night in Some Shady Places

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 9/24/2009


Tuesday night was quite an experience for me. The evening started off at church. Yes, church.

Well it was a church anyway. That was before it became a brothel and eventually a bar. If you've never had drunk people on your left and a stained glass window on your right, I recommend you give it a try.

But I wasn't there for long. The line for drinks was crazy, so we decided to follow this guy who "knew a place". Turns out this "place" was closed. We wandered about for a while until we ended up at the seediest place I have ever been to in my life. We walked down some stairs into a dimly lit bar decorated in early 80s coke party feng shui.

There was a strip pole and even some beds where you could make out with someone in the privacy and comfort of a crowded room (which people did). The bathroom had a pee trough like Wrigley Field and the stalls had no locks. The festivities began with a pina colada and ended with a shot of absinthe.

I made it out alive... I think.

Jumping Ponds: Fresher's Address

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 9/20/2009

I just attended an address to all Freshers (the English version of Freshman). I can't tell you how spectacular it was.

There was a swine flu advisory, pyrotechnics, and a mascot named Easy Tiger. He is named Easy Tiger because he is a spokesman for safe drinking and sex. And he's a slut.

One would think you would pick a safer animal than a tiger to be the spokesperson for safe sex. Something like a sloth or a koala.

Truth is, I'm probably going to end up sleeping with this tiger. We all are. He's that easy.

Jumping Ponds: Almost America 1

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 9/19/2009

All the things in Britain that are just like America... almost.

Maybe British people aren't as fat because their chips remind them to walk instead of lay, or maybe "Lays" is more offensive of a term in England than it is in America. Incidentally, you can get sausages called "Bangers".

"SFC" stands for "Southern Fried Chicken". But one wonders, the southern part of where? England? Or America? Oddly enough, they also have KFC in Britain.

This is a picture of a barn dance in Britain. Essentially it's just like an American barn dance, except it doesn't take place in a barn, there is no keg, and no one dresses like a farmer. So minus all the things that make a barn dance a barn dance. But there was awful square dancing with a lot of awkward crashes. Joy.

Jumping Ponds: American Stereotypes

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 9/18/2009

So I just made friends from all over the world. Literally everywhere. Like Sri Lanka, Mexico, Canada, the UK, and even America.

So my new friends wanted to treat my American friend, Stefan, and I to pizza from the UK. That sounded fine to us. So they asked what kind of pizza we would like.

Stefan was like, "Pepperoni ok with you?" And of course I was like "YEAH!" (Well, maybe I exaggerate the enthusiasm, but you get the point.)

Everyone started laughing at us. They were like, "That is the most stereotypical American pizza you could possibly order." Apparently every American movie or show where pizza is being ordered, we pick pepperoni. But in other countries, this is not the first choice.

So we got a pepperoni pizza. They also ordered a Hawaiian pizza (pineapple and bacon) and a pizza with chicken and mushroom. Yeah, chicken and mushroom.

All the pizzas were great. Of course they weren't as good as authentic pizza from Chicago, but they were far far above any pizza chain like Papa John's or Domino's.

As for the stereotype that all Americans love pepperoni pizza, we'll call that one true.

Stay tuned for more stereotypes.

Shutting Down My Blog

Hello faithful minions.  I am taking this opportunity to inform you that I am shutting down my blog.

Wait.  Why are you crying?  Oh, no no no, honey.  Not this blog.  Dry your tears.  Jumping Brooks will continue on as usual.  I mean my other blog.  Jumping Ponds.

Hi fives.  For traveling.

As you may or may not know, I started another blog called Jumping Ponds when I studied abroad in England.  When I got back, it kind of fell out of use.  I tried to do different things with it, but in the end it went stagnant.  So I'm shutting it down.

Over the next few weeks I will be moving all of the posts from that blog to this one, one post per day.  I'll also be fixing some of the links and pictures that aren't working anymore.  I won't be linking the old posts to the Facebook fan page or my Twitter, so don't worry about spamming.  But if you want to re-live some of the memories with me, stop by once a day to see what's going on.  The first one will come later today.

So... um... sweet.  Let's murder a blog.