Last-Minute Costume Ideas

It’s Halloween.  And since I assume this blog’s main demographic is made up of children under the age of twelve, you’re probably going Trick-Or-Treating tonight.  “But oh noes!” you might be saying.  “I forgetted to make teh costumezz!”

Well first of all, learn English.  You sound like a cat meme.  Next, follow my simple guide to creative, last-minute costume ideas.

Something like this.

- Tons of people are going as Steve Jobs because it’s topical.  These too-sooners are a bunch of insensitive jerks.  Instead, you should go as the Cancer that killed Steve Jobs.  Here’s what you’ll need:  a pack of pink balloons (these will be the cancer cells), some tubing, and some tape. 

Take the balloons and tape them all over your body.  Then, affix one end of the tubing to each of the mouthpieces on the balloons, and put the other end to your mouth.  Then, whenever you are feeling particularly malignant in the night, blow into the tubes.  Surprise!  You’re a budding baby tumor.  If you feel especially infectious, find someone dressed as Steve Jobs and spread to his lymph nodes.

Tragically hilarious.

- If you want a costume that’s topical and simple to make, try this one.  Go to your favorite grocery store and pick up some turkey.  You can settle for lunch meat, but turkey on the bone is probably better.  Next rip apart the turkey and spread it haphazardly all over your body.  Now take a look in the mirror and see your awesome Turkey After An Earthquake costume.

- Let’s say you actually have friends (because you’re not a horribly offensive douche) and you just want to dress up with them as something moderately annoying instead of soul-crushing.  Well, this is simple.  Grab two of your friends, three white t-shirts, a dictionary, and a Sharpie.

In Sharpie, write down the word “there” on one shirt, “their” on another, and “they’re” on the third.  Look up the definition of each and supply it to the respective word.  Then head out for the night.  Try to look as pompous and arrogant as possible.  Then, whenever you are talking to someone and they use some form of “there” in conversation, interrupt them and tell them they are using the wrong word and they should consult your shirts.

Hope this helps.  Happy Halloween.

Jumping Ponds: It'll Burn Your Balls, Lad

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 12/4/2010.

I need soap from time to time.  And last time I needed soap, I picked up some Irish Spring Intensify Body Wash.  Now I wasn't really influenced by the stupid commercials that take place in some fictional Ireland populated only with beautiful ginger women running wild in the hills.

My choice was based on three things:  it was cheap, it was soap, and it smelled okay.  I didn't really read the bottle, which, to be fair, says "cools and tingles to shock the senses".

The first time I showered with it, I poured some soap onto my hands.  When agitated, the soap emitted such a powerful smell that I had a coughing fit.  It's kind of like breathing in Vic's Vapor Rub, which if you're not expecting it goes straight to your brain.  I felt like I had a nose bleed.

So, next step was to actually use the soap.  Now, I should have payed attention to the bottle, because "cools and tingles" is like saying the Holocaust was just a bit of a skirmish.  It feels a bit like when you touch something so hot you can't tell if it's cold or hot anymore, you just want to GET IT OFF OF YOU.

When it hit my cock'n'balls the pain was horrible.  You'd think that when they were testing this soap, someone would have had to have tested it on their sensitive parts because, you know, people might want to wash those areas.  If they had tested it, they would have definitely scrapped the whole idea of this soap.

Whatever you do, though, do not use this soap after shaving.  Your face, your legs, your gents, anything you shave.  You might as well soap up with Satan's semen because your skin will burn with the fire of every acid in existence.

I'd rate this product at one flaming testicle.

Jumping Ponds: Birds, Irish Kid F-Bomb, and Love Monkeys

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 3/8/10.

This is a video from my trip with Sarah to Ireland. The first part is near a pond where we met some little Irish boys. One of them was the first person in the world to refer to me as "Hey Mister!" He then proceded to give me facts about the crane in the pond (which I didn't ask for, but he really wanted to show off his knowledge).  Ridiculously cute.

Then I heard him drop an f-bomb. Which is just hilarious. You can hear it in the video. He and his friends were feeding the birds while Sarah and I watched the scene from a Hitchcock movie that ensued.

Later on we went to the zoo where we witnessed the two monkeys that were totally in luurrvv. Very cute as well. Enjoy.

Jumping Ponds: My Roommate

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 1/3/2010.

Just thought I'd introduce you to the dude I shared a bathroom with. He liked to chill out under the tub and watch me pee. Kinda creepy... and crawly. But so long as I didn't bother him, he didn't bother me. Take a look.

Jumping Ponds: Sights and Sounds

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 1/2/2010

Many of the posts on this blog have a cynical tone, but I wanted to show some of the beautiful places and sounds you can experience abroad. This video shows some of the amazing locations and wonderful music of Europe. Enjoy.

Jumping Ponds: British Fashionable

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 1/2/2010.

Want to dress like a British person? That's easy. Just follow my simple guidelines.

For ladies: Put on some black leggings. On top of that, wear a pair of very short shorts or a mini skirt. But make sure it's black. For your top, think American fashion circa 1980 minus the outrageous colors. So pretty much a top that hangs off of one shoulder and shows your bra strap. Make sure it's baggy and loose. Also black, or maybe dark grey. Avoid color at all cost. Bland is grand.

For dudes: Jeans. That pretty much covers your bottom half. Also, a studded belt will help, even if your jeans are tight enough to cut off circulation to everything below the torso. As for everything above the waist, there are options. First, you could get a t-shirt that is a few sizes too small. Keep in mind, it's perfectly acceptable for guys to wear the color purple. If you plan on going out to a club, a button down shirt with a popped collar is a must. And if all else fails, find the fugliest sweater (known in Britain as a jumper) you can find. Literally, the more attrocious and unnappealing the sweater, the better. Make sure it's as itchy as possible, and a few sizes larger than necessary.

There. Now you look like an elegant British lady or a fine English chap. And if you're dressed like that in America, you look like a douche.

Jumping Ponds: The French Speak French. Who Knew?

Re-posted from Jumping Ponds, 12/28/09.

Apparently in France they speak French. Being a speaker of English, some things got lost in translation. Like when I pulled on a door that said "Poussez", which means "push" in some nonsense jibberish language.

But what's really funny is when something in French is said that means something totally different when it is said in English. Like this:

Come on, France. Just because the train is late doesn't mean it's retarded. So offensive.