Conversing is Fun 2

I like strangers.  And I don't mean that thing you do when you sit on your arm until it falls asleep... well you can google it.  Here are some more adventures with the internets.

Why won't anyone talk to unicorns?

At least I have chicken.

Yeah, beat that comeback.

In west Philidelphia, born and raised.  Gross.

The Top 5 Cool Guys You Buy Stuff From

Everyone knows the ninth circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and advertisers.  But unlike betrayal, advertising requires little creativity.  It's all very much according to formula.  And in recent years, a new formula has been developed to get you to willingly sit through a commercial, then go out and spend some hard-earned guacamole. This is the cool guy formula, and here's how it works.

Cool guy enters the scene.  He does a bunch of cool guy stuff, like saving kittens or bending the physical properties of matter or blatantly ignoring the laws of the universe.  Girls (and some guys) fall in love with him, other guys don't feel threatened because he's just that cool.  By the end you're so charmed that you buy whatever he wants you to because he's just that cool.  Don't believe that this is a trend?  Let's take a look at the top 5 cool guys out there today.

#5  A relative newcomer to the cool guy scene, it's the Progressive guy who likes your jeans.  He's been in only a couple commercials, maybe as a cool foil to the borderline intolerable dorkiness of other Progressive spokesperson Flo.  But I suppose I can't fault them for having two mascots, as Geico has like a thousand.  He's not magical or anything, like some of the other guys on the list.  But he does have a mustache, and that's something.

#4  Another newcomer, it's the Heineken guy who knows everyone in the world.  Just watch his commercial. He knows pirates and cowboys, he shoots basket hoops, he knows Kung Fu, and in a Ron Burgundy homage plays jazz flute while toasting a fine Heineken brew.  If you haven't creamed your jeans by the end of that groovy song, well you must not be wearing jeans.

#3  Beer companies have really taken off with the cool guy formula, as our next cool guy, Keith Stone, proves.  Why is his name Keith Stone?  Because it sounds like Keystone, which is what he's selling, and "Guy who sells horse urine in a can" was taken.  Yes, it was taken.  But don't worry.  Keith Stone is "always smooth".  And if by that you mean he looks like a skinny hipster version of Jack Black who hasn't showered in weeks, you'd be correct.

#2  It's the guy every woman wants her man to be but will settle for him to smell like, the Old Spice guy.  Perhaps the most magical cool guy on the list, he can wander through time and space like a dream and do all the things women complain about their men not doing, like fixing the kitchen or riding a horse backwards.  Just try to hate him.  You can't, can you?  That's because he has a voice like melted marshmallows and a perpetually shirt-free six pack.

#1  Who could beat Old Spice guy?  Well only the most interesting man in the world.  You know he once traveled through time and boned a tyrannosaurus, which then gave birth to him.  That's right, his mother is a tyrannosaurus, and he is his own father.  Isn't that interesting?  And you know what he drinks?  Dos Equis.  And you could be interesting too if you drink the same Mexican filth water.  I don't always smell bulls#!t, but when I do it's probably a cool guy advertisement.

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Making Fun of Silly Hats

I am amazed at how the media managed to get people to care about the royal wedding.  But I am even more amazed by pictures of the outrageous hats that attended the wedding.  So I've taken it upon myself to make fun of some of my favorites.  Here we go.


This person looks like she is crafted entirely out of wicker.  And like wicker, I’m guessing she’s very pretty to look at and very noisy when you sit on her.

This picture is deceptive because she’s wearing the hat right-side up.  The hat is so baller that it turns the rest of the world upside down.

Oh look, the black smoke monster from Lost showed up and attacked m’lady’s head.

Remember in The Brave Little Toaster when the giant electromagnet came to kill everyone?

The hat is actually normal sized, her head is just extremely tiny. 

“Here’s what I’m thinking.  We are going to turn your head into a battleaxe.  Brilliant?  Thought so.”

Captured on film:  the exact moment that Fawkes the Phoenix exploded in a cloud of ash to be reborn.

The barbed wire keeps the foreigners out of her hat.

Anakin Skywalker wouldn’t stand a chance in a pod race against that.

“Just  because I’m dressed like a river doesn’t mean you can park your canoe on my head."

This is what happens when even your brain is trying to escape your ridiculous headwear.

So PETA has no problem with wearing slugs on your head?

She is required to stand in front of railroad crossings to stop pedestrians.

Behold!  The Kraken!

“I murdered that purple dinosaur and wore his entrails upon my head as a crown.  I felt nothing.” 

Magic Luck Bird Makes Baseball Tolerable

In terms of sports that are fun to watch, baseball ranks somewhere above Chess and somewhere below Paper Sailboat races.  But you know what can make baseball interesting?  Live flying monster beasts blazing out of the sky granting wishes to the home team.

Well guess what happened Easter Sunday, sports fans.  Exactly that.

Some said it was a red-tailed hawk, some said it was a peregrine falcon that fired down from the roof of Miller Park during the Brewers game.  The bird-creature took a chomp on a pigeon on the way down, most likely just for the hell of it, then landed on the grass about 50 feet from the right fielder.

And there it sat with the kind of couldn't-give-a-good-god-damn attitude that bordered on James-Dean-after-a-blunt levels.  Excessive hyphens?  You bet I just did that.

He sat there throughout a three run Milwaukee rally with celebratory fireworks, looking bored by the whole thing.  Then it decided Milwaukee was unworthy of its luck-bringing demon powers and took off, presumably to go place a few bets at the track and bang some super models.

If you could guarantee that the magic luck bird would show up to sporting events, I'd actually watch games.  If that ornithic beast were a Pokemon, it would be a Chansey and a Moltres combined, and you wouldn't be able to catch it because it would eat your pokeballs and poop out nightmares.

Perhaps one day the bird shall return and fulfill the prophecy.  You know the one I'm talking about.  Yeah, that prophecy.

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Conversing is Fun

I like to converse.  Here are a few conversationings I had with strangers on the internet.  Nothing shady about that.

Brazilians?  Gross.

It's a harsh world.

Lucky guess?

Life, Careers, and Time Travel

Job hunting is like syphilis.  It sucks.  Fortunately, I only have to deal with one of those things.  Can you guess which one?  No, jerk, it's not syphilis.  What are you some kind of comedian?

It's job hunting.  And it leaves less time for blogging, which is why I haven't posted in a while.  But don't worry.  When Al Gore invents time travel, I'll just go back and write a few more posts.  Oh wait.  China just banned time travel.  Which consequently bans me from driving my DeLorean over 88 mph.

I'm not lying.  China banned time travel.  Well, okay.  They banned the concept of time travel from being used in television, movies, books, etc.  They said it encourages certain ideologies and makes a mockery of important historical events.

For the most part, I agree with this move.  Time travel was the death of the show Heroes and has only been effective in, like, two things: Back to the Future and Doctor Who.  Oh, and of course my Time Machine Joke of the Day.  But considering China will soon be our overlords, I'm concerned that by the time we get this time travel thing figured out, it will be banned outright.

Which means you won't be able to go back and tell yourself to wear gym shoes that one day, or don't stand behind that horse, or that chick is actually a man.  Every decision you make, you're stuck with it.  Thanks, China.  At least Flying Rainbow Poptart Cat will cheer me up.

I'll try to do more blog posts.  More "I Answer Stupid Questions" coming soon.

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I Answer Stupid Questions Part 4

Ever wonder what you'll name your kids one day?  Why not turn to the World Wide Interwebs for suggestions?

Well... because you might get suggestions from me.

As always, click the pics to enlarge.  Enjoy.

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