The Top 5 Cool Guys You Buy Stuff From

Everyone knows the ninth circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and advertisers.  But unlike betrayal, advertising requires little creativity.  It's all very much according to formula.  And in recent years, a new formula has been developed to get you to willingly sit through a commercial, then go out and spend some hard-earned guacamole. This is the cool guy formula, and here's how it works.

Cool guy enters the scene.  He does a bunch of cool guy stuff, like saving kittens or bending the physical properties of matter or blatantly ignoring the laws of the universe.  Girls (and some guys) fall in love with him, other guys don't feel threatened because he's just that cool.  By the end you're so charmed that you buy whatever he wants you to because he's just that cool.  Don't believe that this is a trend?  Let's take a look at the top 5 cool guys out there today.

#5  A relative newcomer to the cool guy scene, it's the Progressive guy who likes your jeans.  He's been in only a couple commercials, maybe as a cool foil to the borderline intolerable dorkiness of other Progressive spokesperson Flo.  But I suppose I can't fault them for having two mascots, as Geico has like a thousand.  He's not magical or anything, like some of the other guys on the list.  But he does have a mustache, and that's something.

#4  Another newcomer, it's the Heineken guy who knows everyone in the world.  Just watch his commercial. He knows pirates and cowboys, he shoots basket hoops, he knows Kung Fu, and in a Ron Burgundy homage plays jazz flute while toasting a fine Heineken brew.  If you haven't creamed your jeans by the end of that groovy song, well you must not be wearing jeans.

#3  Beer companies have really taken off with the cool guy formula, as our next cool guy, Keith Stone, proves.  Why is his name Keith Stone?  Because it sounds like Keystone, which is what he's selling, and "Guy who sells horse urine in a can" was taken.  Yes, it was taken.  But don't worry.  Keith Stone is "always smooth".  And if by that you mean he looks like a skinny hipster version of Jack Black who hasn't showered in weeks, you'd be correct.

#2  It's the guy every woman wants her man to be but will settle for him to smell like, the Old Spice guy.  Perhaps the most magical cool guy on the list, he can wander through time and space like a dream and do all the things women complain about their men not doing, like fixing the kitchen or riding a horse backwards.  Just try to hate him.  You can't, can you?  That's because he has a voice like melted marshmallows and a perpetually shirt-free six pack.

#1  Who could beat Old Spice guy?  Well only the most interesting man in the world.  You know he once traveled through time and boned a tyrannosaurus, which then gave birth to him.  That's right, his mother is a tyrannosaurus, and he is his own father.  Isn't that interesting?  And you know what he drinks?  Dos Equis.  And you could be interesting too if you drink the same Mexican filth water.  I don't always smell bulls#!t, but when I do it's probably a cool guy advertisement.

Like it on Facebook.