Recession-Proof Your Life

The economy is in shambles.  It's tough to find financial security in times like these.  Lucky for you, I'm here with some more advice.  I'll tell you exactly how to take your money, cram it down Uncle Sam's star-spangled throat, and watch as he Chocolate-Rains an even greater fortune into your life.

You may be wondering, "Why should I take economic advice from a guy who doesn't have a job?"  Well once again, I have predicted exactly what you were thinking, so check and mate.  I accept your surrender.

Here are some tips to help you ride the recession tsunami on a yacht of financial security without even spilling your Kool-Aid.  (Purple-flavored, of course.)

Above:  Economical and fashionable

-Buy gold.  The value of any type of currency fluctuates, and buying gold is the first step to becoming a famous rapper.  Rap is recession-proof, and a surefire way to keep makin' papers.

-Get a job with benefits.  Jobs with benefits are not like friends with benefits, unless you're a hooker.  Except in either case a doctor might grope and put stuff inside of you.  So I guess that's some kind of benefit.

-Buy low, sell high.  In case you didn't know, the stock market is mostly controlled by wishes and Dr. Seuss type nonsense.  So selling when you're high might actually work better for you.

Wingdanglers up 30 points!

-Spend within your means.  America didn't become the powerful country it is by spending way more money than it could possibly ever pay back.  Wait, it did?  We're trillions of dollars in debt and our credit rating dropped?  Well then...

-Spend beyond your means.  America didn't become the powerful country it is by letting something like an empty piggy bank stop it.  Buy the mansion you can't afford.  You deserve it.  And you'll pay it back someday... maybe... probably not...

-Take advantage of low interest rates.  I'm not sure what that means or how to do it.  I've seen it on several commercials, so I assume it's sound financial advice.

I'm so lonely.

-Write your congressman.  He's lonely, and he misses you.

-Always have a Plan B.  Life is expensive enough without an unwanted pregnancy, so keep a Plan B pill around just in case.

I accept thanks in the form of check, cash, and money order.  It is a recession, after all, and advice this good rarely comes this cheap.

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First Blog Post MASHUP!

Some of you may be fans of my Conversing is Fun series.  Some of you may be fans of my I Answer Stupid Questions series.  But for those of you who are fans of both, prepare to have your mind blown right out of your butt.

Omegle now has a feature where someone can ask two strangers a question, then spy on them while they converse about it.  That's right.  I can now answer stupid questions while conversing with strangers!  It's my first ever blog post mashup, and it's going to be the greatest mashup since chocolate met peanut butter.

Without further ado, let's converse some stupid questions!

Blue Box Blues, baby.  It's the cheesiest.

Honk you, goose.

TRANSFORM!

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Conversing is Fun 3

Some more conversations I've had with strangers on the interwebbins.  Enjoy.

Why doesn't anyone talk to dinosaurs?

Who doesn't know Toy Story?
Woody?  Buzz?  Nothing?  Seriously?

People from Jupiter.  Am I right?

Filthy, Filthy Commercials

When the television first became available to consumers, it cost an average family several months of savings to own one.  But they all would have destroyed their precious idiot-boxes with more prejudice than they would a Nazi-Commie with a sour disposition if they knew what today's TV would look like.

Above:  Mad sexual tension.

To an audience that got the heebie-jeebies from seeing a married couple share a bed or use the word "pregnant", even our modern commercials would seem like Satan had emerged from the television to poop in their eyes and make their sons gay.

Don't believe me?  Here are just a few examples of the 50's-mentality-destroying ads we all know and love.

-Here's an ad for Charmin Toilet Paper.  Everybody poops, right?  But imagine talking about the tiny scraps of TP that get stuck to your butthole during an episode of I Love Lucy.  Do you think it would make the audience uncomfortable?  Does a cartoon bear s#!t in the woods and then get picky about the toilet paper it uses?

-This commercial for Always Infinity stands in for all feminine hygiene product ads.  Back when television was new, guys knew nothing about vaginas.  Ask your grandpa when he learned about vaginas.  Go ahead.  Never, right?  And he had to have had sex at least once.  Nowadays, thanks to television even guys know about periods.  They cause women to dress in white and spill blue liquid all over the place.  Which is why you never buy blue Gatorade for a woman when she's on her period and why they warn you about stained sheets during that time of month.

-Even Viagra and other pills for boners get TV time.  I'm sure a soldier returning from World War II would love to hear, "Has your peen stopped working?  Well here's a pill that'll make it roar like a Howitzer.  Now if it works for more than four hours, leave your house, go to the public hospital with your rager, and tell a doctor to take a look at it."  That's treating the troops with the dignity they deserve.

-Of course, if your husband isn't willing to take the Miracle-Gro pill, there's always the Trojan Triphoria to blow your hair back.  Yes, it's a commercial for a masturbation device.  And it's advertised as being fun for guys, too.  In an era where PDA was limited to Ralph Kramden threatening to punch his wife to the moon (Google The Honeymooners, youngsters), I doubt the average TV viewer could have conceived of a machine to have sex with, let alone have the creativity to find out how to please a man with it.

-The commercials for Ashley Madison surprise even me.  Yes, little ol' me living in the modern age with period and vibrator commercials.  It's a website where married people can go to have affairs.  Surely, adultery happened back in the day, but I doubt anyone would dream that it would become a business with a School House Rock style commercial.  But time makes fools of us all.

In the future, who knows.  Maybe our ridiculous commercials about bodily functions, Girls Gone Wild DVDs, condoms, and sex toys will seem as wholesome as commercials for apple pie.  Sexy, filthy apple pie.

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Tips For Picking Up Girls From A Guy With Game

The world is full of lonely guys.  Why?  Because they don't know how to pick up girls.  Fortunately, I'm here to help.  You may ask, "Hey, why should I take advice about picking up girls from a guy who doesn't have a girlfriend".  To that I say please stop talking to my blog.  I can't hear you through the monitor.

Above:  My greatest
achievement

As for why I don't have a girlfriend, I suffer from a rare condition known as "too much game".  Every once in a while, I have to have a game removal operation.  I donate the extracted game to Parker Brothers or Milton Bradley.  Remember the game Mousetrap?  That was me.  Crossfire?  Right here.

I also tell a lot of lies, as I just demonstrated.  I don't know if that's a thing, but if it is I have that, too.

Girls, you may already be wondering what's in this post for you.  Well I'm helping you by making your choices of men more desirable and increasing the dating market.  You're welcome.  So here are some tips for picking up girls from a guy with game to spare.

- Show her you're interested.  A great pick-up line can signal that you want to pursue her.  Try this one, "I want to put some stuff in you.  Namely several more drinks followed by my peen".  There is no way in the world that can possibly fail.

Tell her the Empire State
Building is located in
Atlantis

- Confidence is key.  Show your confidence by making outlandish, ridiculous statements.  Then refuse to admit you're wrong, no matter what evidence you're presented with.  Claim that Tiger Woods is the 43rd President of the United States.  Say that the best Rum and Coke is made with neither Rum nor Coke.  Say Tron: Legacy was way better than the original and deserved Best Picture.  Don't concede any of your stances at any cost.

- Girls like a bad boy.  You can best demonstrate that you're a bad boy by pushing her down in front of her friends.  Don't hurt her or push her into traffic or anything, just enough to make her fall down.  Every girl is taught when she is little that if a boy pushes her on the playground, he likes her.  Same thing goes for when you're older.

- Make her laugh.  If you're not funny, there's only one other option.  Tickle her.  Tickle her until she pees.  She'll be so turned on by your ability to make her laugh and so embarrassed by the pee that she will need to leave immediately.  So you'll pretty much have to go back to her place.

Above:  People not looking stupid.

- Learn to dance.  The Conga, the Macarena, and the YMCA are all great dances that will have her swooning for you in no time.

- Be tall.  If you're short, quit being so short and start being a little taller.

If you can pull off all of these tips, you are sure to be an amazing pick-up artist in no time.  Or, I don't know, just be yourself or something.  I don't care.

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10 Step Guide to Responsible Drinking

Alcohol companies always tell you to drink responsibly.  But what does it even mean to drink responsibly?  Seems like an oxymoron, right?  Well your mom is an oxymoron.  So here is a step by step guide to drinking responsibly.

1.  Climbing on things isn't a good idea.  It's a great idea. Trees, streetlights, statues, buildings, whatever.  Especially because it's attractive to women.  It goes back to the days when we were all monkeys.  Guy monkey would climb a tree, and girl monkey would be all like, "Damn, I want a piece of that monkey butt".  Same principle applies today.

Ladies?

2.  Drink lots of water.  This is good advice because water tastes great with alcohol.

3.  Don't start fights.  Finish them.  Your drunk-ness will give you Hulk-like strength, perfect for bringing any conflict to a speedy conclusion.

It'll make you green at least.

4.  Program the cab company's number into your phone.  This will provide you the opportunity to make some especially hilarious drunk dials when you forget that you are talking to a burly cab driver and not your ex.

5.  Don't break the seal.  Clubbing seals is illegal, and if you break one you could get in serious trouble.

6.  Don't drink alone.  If you pass out, your face isn't going to draw penises on itself.

7.  Pace yourself.  Drinking is a marathon, which is why a Kenyan will always beat you at it, no matter how much you try.

8.  Cover your drink.  The only purpose this serves is to keep flavor in, so it's not that important.

9.  Remember the rhyme "Beer then liquor, you're made out of wicker.  Liquor then beer... well that's good, too."  It's fun to say.

10.  Above all, don't talk to police.  They prefer to be yelled at, and it's best if you use violent hand gestures to get their attention.

Also, give them bones.
They love it.

Hope this helps.  Now go out there and get you some harmless, legal alcohol.  Drink responsibly.  And sorry about calling your mom an oxymoron.



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I Answer Stupid Questions Part 5

Pancake raft.

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